Something changed in our sex life. Did he cheat?

[MrsS2b]

This is a long one, I just need to clear my chest. Don’t know where I stand. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 long years. Sex was great when the relationship first started. With our work commitments at the time we would only see each other of a weekend. The sex was personal, intimate, romantic and full of passion. Fast forward we now have 2 children, of course bedroom antics change as life changes. It’s gone to every few weeks, sometimes a month or two at a stretch and that’s okay. However it’s normally just sex, a quick race to finish before our kids wake or cry in the night. We’re both tired we work long hours and soon as we’re in bed we are asleep. We hardly ever have child free nights and if we do it’s right to bed to sleep. However this weekend he’s been away with his friends, Thursday and returned Sunday. We had sex last night and something was different. It was amazing, the Romance was back there, it was filled with passion, felt intimate and personal again. He touched me differently, held me different, kissed differently and we both finished at the same time. It was all round amazing. Probably the best in a very very long time. Something just felt off, there was no race to get changed afterwards. He laid there holding me, kissing and cuddling telling me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. He never wants to be apart again. Something feels suspicious. I love this man so much, I have never ever doubted him. He’s never gave me a reason to, he’s got my trust 1000%. He’s only ever been true and loyal. I don’t even know why I’m questioning it. Why do I think he cheated? But there’s something there that I can’t shake. The guilt is eating me up. The guys who he was away with at the weekend know me personally, their friends of my family. Fiancé and my dad share friends and are in the same social group and that’s how met 9 years ago. Fiancé is the same age as me however his friendship group ages from 30s (our age) to mid to late 50s, age as my dad. Some of those friends the older ones have known me my whole life, some of the younger ones I’ve grown up with. I know if anything happened they’d be the first to pull him back in line or at least tell me. I know I’m being stupid but my gut and my heart are telling me differently. We’ve got the most amazing relationship filled with so much love. He’s never given me a reason to doubt him. I feel guilty and wrong for feeling this way. Do I approach him and potentially loose everything we have or am I being stupod and just need to forget it.

It could be because he’s had a break away from the house and a few days to be himself without work and the kids.

Maybe the weekend away gave him the chance to think about things or discuss things with friends?

Why not just have a conversation with him where you say everything you've said here apart from the concern about him cheating. And ask him if he's felt the same way about your sex life taking a back seat. Ask him if he felt differently this last time and ask him if he knows why.

You can ask open ended questions and get your reassurance without asking him if he cheated or mentioning your worries around that

We had a little conversation last night. I asked if everything was okay as he felt a little off. I didn’t not mention cheating. He said he realises how things have changed in our relationship as we give every bit of time to our kids. Said he knows how much we need to have us time more as he just really missed me and he realised more how much he’s got at home and never wants to be apart from me. Said he spent the weekend hearing his friends bad mouth their relationships, hearing how their wives and partners was giving them a dogs life for being away and how toxic everyone’s relationships are appose to ours. He felt so smug and happy he has none of that and at that time he just wished to be back home to show me how he loves me. I feel I’m being very unfair to him

I have had this exact thing happen in my relationship with my DH.

He went away for a wedding that I couldn't attend with him as it was in school term time and someone needed to be here for the kids. The wedding was in Spain and the stag do was a couple of nights before the wedding so DH was away almost a week in total. He came home and he was so loving and passionate and just kept telling me he loved me so much. The sex was amazing. When I jokingly said he should go away more often if he is going to be like this when he comes home. He said that being away from me and the kids he just missed us. He missed me being with him at the wedding. He also said that lots of the other men were moaning about their wives and partners and it made him realise how lucky he was and what a brilliant marriage we have. Just said it made him appreciate me so much and that he couldn't wait to get home.

Honestly, sometimes when men are with other men it can do them the world of good and sometimes being away from one another can make people miss home and make them realise how good they have it.

Well after he's said all of that and you still think he's cheated, then, kindly, you do need to have a look at yourself.
Why are you choosing to see him reconnecting with you as him being 'a little off'? He explained how he feels to you. Did it feel like he was being dishonest?

I'm afraid I would believe your instinct.

When I met my first H we were students and spent uni holidays in our respective home cities. After returning from one of the holiday breaks I knew instinctively he had been with some one else because the sex was different. I didn't ask him if he had. I just said " you've been with some one else" and he admitted he had got together with his ex g/f from his home city ocer the holiday.
I should have finished things there and then but I didn't.

Our relationship was new. You on the other hand have a long term previously very close relationship with your fiancé. And you obviously know him very very well. And you are tuned in to him. So I would believe your instinct that something happened when he was away.

This is exactly us too. I also joked about him going away every weekend if this is how he returns. He was laughing telling me how one of his younger single friends was trying to get off with a girl and she left him hanging. Talking about how desperate he was saying he was cringing watching him as he’s not long separated from his kids mum.

I am now believing it’s done him the world of good like you said as he really is such a good guy

Other than being extra affectionate and loving when he got home my DH was the same and normal family life resumed. I trust him 100% and him cheating didn't even cross my mind.

We are each others best friends too and would never do anything to hurt one another. If he had cheated I would know. It would be something he would feel so much guilt for it would make him feel physically ill. If he had come back quiet and withdrawn I would have knowing something was wrong and I would have questioned what was up. But the fact he was so happy and loving didn't make me question him.

Did not feel dishonest at all. It’s just something I’ve not really experienced with him in our years of being together which has lead me to have suspicions. Yes our sex was like how it used to be so that wasn’t unfamiliar however him expressing his feelings. His words he’s using, his body language. He’s never shown that side to me before. I thought I knew everything about him, I know he’s not a man of words or a man of showing his emotions or feelings. I know his act of love, how he’s been since returning home is not the man I know and that’s what’s caused my feelings. And yes, there is parts of me which feels awful evening thinking this way with how he’s expressed himself. It’s just taken me by surprise. Last night he told me more of his feelings towards me, told me how much he loved me more than he did on the night he proposed. It just didn’t feel right or “normal for him”

Ok, then have a follow up chat with him about how it's a change that's he's sharing his feelings with you. Would you like it to continue in the future?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. You’re bound to be tired after doing it all while was away and it can make you sensitive, paranoid. He sounds like a good’un.

I've known it to be like this after ending an affair and regretting it ever happened.

If you get that kind of sex each time he cheats I’d be setting him up with women myself

If something doesn’t sit right then it would be wise to observe him a bit more closely. No need to mention it just observe.

Something clearly happened when he was away. Perhaps he cheated. Perhaps he had conversations with other men that shifted his view of your relationship. Hopefully it is a good change but time will tell.

You’re kidding yourself if you think the men he was out with from his and your dad’s social group (golf, cricket?) would be the first to pull him up. Why didn’t he pull them up as they all slagged their wives up? Why were they all joining in rather than pulling each other up on it?

I think your instinct is probably bang on the money. It’s his badmouthing of literally all of his mates that’s suspicious. Makes him look good. All moaning about their toxic little wives were they rather than discussing the football or whatever? Can’t see it myself.

I recently realised we’d let our sex life slide a bit so have been initiating a bit more and trying new things. Definitely not having an affair, husband is still a bit bewildered tbh.

I can see where you are coming from and would probably feel the same. I would do nothing for now but see if his behaviour changes in anyway going forward. See if he’s doing furtive glances at his phone or messaging more? Or protective about his phone? Or avoiding the other holiday people in case they reveal something? Or love bombing (guilty conscious?) Etc. If nothing materialises, then take the win!

When mine comes back from hanging out with a spesific group of mates he has who all hate their wives he’s like that. To be honest he is always quite passionate ect but I know if he’s going out with the boys from his old work I’m in for a good time. Something about hearing how other men hate their wives and how they’re witches (they’re literally not, they just are sick of their shit). As these men are in their 50s it could be that? Not saying it’s all older men but it’s an opinion a lot of them have to the point it’s a meme - boomer/gen xer who hates his wife.

You obviously know him best, but it sounds pretty heartfelt and honest from what you've put. Unless you have further concerns I wouldn't torture yourself wondering.

Hmm. I’d like to believe the best in him but that gut feeling? Don’t let it go.

He had a refresh and refound himself a bit enjoy it !!

From what I saw it’s a worrying trend amongst the post millennials as well re secretly not liking their GFs/wives - more prevalent there I’d say from what I’ve seen unfortunately…

They probably just want to have a moan and bond together through complaining. It's not that uncommon and doesn't mean they hate their wives.

This is why people shouldn't talk about their relationships tho. It only makes others smug and happy that they have it better in comparison 😅.

I have a collection of what I call ‘guilt shoes/bags’ from my ex. Whenever he’d go away for a couple of days with friends or colleagues, he would ALWAYS bring me back an expensive gift. 9 times out of ten he would also cut the trip short because he ‘missed me so much’ and we would have a lovely time when he was back.
He was a serial cheat. Again and again and again. He’s not around any more but at least I’ve got a nice collection of shoes !