Am I too soft?

[DollyOakley16]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. We don't live together. As far as I was concerned I just knew he had alcohol issues. I got fed up with him being a twat on drink. He's an evening drinker. I ended it for three months. I was doing fine. I have a 20 year old son who i adore and who lives with me. He pursued me relentlessly saying he would change. He's ok on beer but not spirits. I agreed to go back as long as he didn't drink spirits. For two weeks he was doing great and being all nice. We had a small win on the lotto on Saturday night. I was at my home. I had been with him earlier and made dinner and had a couple of glasses of wine. The next morning he rang me and it was obvious he had been up all night drinking. I told him so and told him not to ring me. Its the next day now and I don't know what to do when he contacts me. Two bloody weeks. I just know for a fact he drinks bacardi when I'm not around. Do I just ignore this or give him a final ultimatum or end it for good?

You know the answer. You’ve already given him an ultimatum and he ignored it. Why give him another chance to let you down?

He prioritises alcohol over you - that’s the reality

You’ll be a lot happier once you realise you can’t control other human beings.
Educate yourself about addictions, and while you’re at it, try not to judge, it may well be that you suffer some sort of other addiction in a different area yourself that you are not acknowledging. Try not to become the pot calling the kettle black.

Excuse me? So I'm supposed to accept an alcoholic partner when alcohol caused lots of rows in my relationship? Just because I had a couple of glasses of wine does not make me one. You must have a problem yourself as you are so defensive!

I spent years trying to change an alcoholic husband, my suggestion is you run.

You can’t change or control his alcohol use. Ultimatums are pointless. Just end it.

Be thankful you don't live together and end the relationship.

Agree here with @Inwiththenewness - you can’t control what he does.

Ultimatums are usually a total waste time of time, and - as you have well discovered - trying to introduce rules like “beer is ok but spirits aren’t” to an alcoholic is a hiding to nothing.

It’s very hard to see someone you love go through this. Have you looked at seeking support for yourself? Al-Anon is very good and may help you work your way through it.

It’s easy to say leave him but I know harder in reality. But that said, you’ve already managed just tickety boo without him for three months so maybe you have, in fact, already left him. Perhaps the past two weeks was a relapse rather than a rekindling.

Nah, stay with him he sounds perfect. No problems, no red flags and such a lovely personality.

or maybe, listen to the wise women who know what your life will be like if you do stay

Eh?

“I don't know what to do when he contacts me.”

Yes you do - you end it for good. He prioritises alcohol above you. By your own admission, you had three good months without him. So put your own and your son’s well- being first. He isn’t going to change, so walk away.

Don't be a 🌵.

@Inwiththenewness wasn't suggesting you have an alcohol problem. Read what she actually said properly.