Toxic mother in law

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt like my mother in law was/is resentful of my relationship with her son.

She told her partner that she is more important to her son than me and he’d always chose her.

She encouraged me to file for divorce whenever we have a big argument.

She said during a Mother’s Day lunch that I cooked during dinner that I wasn’t her sons mum so I should have cooked but I’m the mother of his children.

She knows her sons gets frustrated with me because I’m forgetful (brain fog) and straight after a situation she purposely asked the same question 4 times and he just answered and she looked and smiled at me.

wr were going to her for dinner and when we arrived she huffed and said I thought it was just me and the boys.

I could go on…

She told her partner that she is more important to her son than me and he’d always chose her.

How do you know?

She encouraged me to file for divorce whenever we have a big argument.

Stop telling her about your arguments.

Because her partner told me and eventually she admitted it.

I live away from my family so thought I could just sound off a little.

she has a huge sense of entitlement. Even to the point that when she lost her sister there was a discussion about funeral cars and she screamed at her other sister despite them having 4 seats in total including them in the funeral car that she should have her seats for her family because they were closer.

Quietly her from your home and never darken her door. Take yourself and the kids out any time your DH “organises” for her to visit and let him take the kids to visit her himself. Don’t say anything, just be absent or busy. Don’t allow your kids to see you tolerating being treated badly.

OP I don't understand why you're sounding off to her if you think she's toxic.

Her partner shouldn't have told you she said that, they're obviously stirring. People act in strange ways when they're grieving.

I don't understand the repeated question thing but you seem to be looking for reasons to dislike her.

Throughout life we have to put up with people we don't necessarily get on with. She's your husband's mother and your children's grandmother so unfortunately you're stuck with her.

I would learn to ignore her comments and just get on with it.

What is your Partner's viewpoint?

Is he an only son/child?

I can see your side and it's difficult as there are only really 2 options:

1. Ex-communicate her but this in itself is difficult and may cause further issues.
2. Limit contact. Don't share your family information with her. Just keep it polite and civilised.

Do you react directly to her when she makes any comments?

Either way, you need to explain to your Partner how you're feeling. He needs to support you on this.

You need to alter your relationship with her. Take a step back leave your dh to communicate with her and don’t attend every visit. Don’t do things/help her just keep your relationship cordial . Ask your dh to not discuss your personal life with her and to defend you if she makes shitty comments. View her as an acquaintance rather than a family member.

Oh yes. I know that one. My mother in law seemed jealous of me “taking” her son. Wanting him to herself because she wanted him live with her so he could look after her. “When you get divorced …”!! I rarely said anything back to her because I didn’t want to cause any rift but it was hurtful and enraging. Lots and lots of snide digs. Years later it turned out she was on the autistic spectrum so couldn’t really regulate these things and, actually she did love me in her own way. She’s been ill with dementia for many years now and I miss her. With the benefit of age and hindsight I, personally wouldn’t cut her out without actually standing up for myself calmly and politely in that moment. It comes down to your self esteem and not allowing really toxic behaviour but also letting some things go because it’s her problem not yours. Only you can decide if it’s worth making a relationship with your MiL for you and for your children’s and husbands sake.