Unhappy marriage

[Lilysunflower]

Hi everyone looking for advice! I 53(f) have been with my husband 63 for 28 years. Over the years I have constantly asked for more help around the house and although he may make an effort for a couple of weeks it soon slips back to me doing everything this includes all household chores,gardening, decorating all finances and literally running our whole lives from birthdays to holidays. I work 2 jobs and I tired, my health has taken a turn for the worse lately and whilst he will say things like sit down you do too much or give my aching joints a massage he won't physically pull his weight. On top of this I always try to make him feel special with by arranging special occasions like concerts or theatre shows that he wants to see i arrange romantic weekend away yet whenever I mention something for me it's conveniently forgotten most recently just a simple trip to the cinema. It seems the romance and respect has gone from the marriage. As I write this we haven't even been speaking for almost 3 weeks no row just not together ( this I will admit is my doing) because I've given up I'm fed up with his little comments that I'm always moaning or he will make comments that me feel bad that I've voiced my opinion so now I'm wondering do I want to stay in marriage for another 20 years or should we part ways. This is so hard because he is the love of my life and I know that he truly loves me ( he's just selfish) he has many good qualities he supports me if im having a hard emotional time, if im ill he will take physical care of me ( not the house or cooking) hes affectionate and I don't know if living without him would be worse but his gaslighting me and lack of help are making me.so unhappy. Am.i wrong for feeling like this or am.i the selfish one. Sorry for long post I've been bottling this up and no-one to talk to.

I'm sorry to hear that OP💐

It's been 28 years and I would accept that he's not going to change. I find it very telling that he looks after you when you're ill but won't cook you food. Does that mean you have to drag yourself out of bed and cook for both of you?

It's a complete and utter lack of respect. If you care about someone you don't put your feet up while they struggle.

You've made his life very comfortable, you've cooked, cleaned, shopped, handled the bills and organised treats and events.

He's accepted all this while giving nothing back and now you're unwell hasn't stepped up.

I would move on.

You are definitely not the selfish one, you have done your best for decades. Have your read the book the 5 love languages”? Just a thought, eg maybe your primary love language is acts of service, maybe his is physical touch… in this case maybe neither of you are showing the other love in “their language”

It must be so hard after being with someone for so long but he isn't going to change. You have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life or not.

It annoys me when one person in a partnership doesn't pull their weight. They know they are not. It's like saying their time is more important than yours. They are too important for chores. If they lived alone they'd have to do it.

I'm in a very similar position, similar age.
I know all about the gaslighting.

It's very hard to know what to do.

The thing is you have let him get away with it for so long that he doesn’t really see the need to change and I doubt he will. It would probably come as a big shock to him that you are suddenly unhappy with his lack of effort.

I don’t think you are wrong Maybe read him the riot act and give him 6 mths to really show you if he is willing to put the effort in. If not, at least he can’t say he didn’t know and you gave him the opportunity.