Why can’t I leave?

[Wellthisisannoying]

I’m married to a man who for years has just continuously disrespected me.

we have children.

He has taken drugs, gambled, gone to the pub after work for ‘one drink’ and come home at times 48 hours later completely hanging. I’m so done. He went out today to the shop and said he’d be 10 minutes and 2.5 hours later and he’s in the pub with his mates when we were meant to be spending the day as a family. He’s even been in situations where there was some evidence he may have cheated which he flatly denies. He has told me for years the all night benders will stop and they haven’t. When I thought he had cheated I applied to end the marriage and saw a solicitor. He managed to ‘convince’ me that he would stop doing the going out and holidays with friends without me and just basically living like a single man. So I gave him another chance. Last week he went to the pub and didn’t get home til 6am. The sun was up. I don’t trust him anymore so I’m even more anxious about it but also feel he should be trying hard to make this work but it’s like the minute he thinks I’m ok and things have returned to normal, he just gets back to his single life. I’m so sad. I’m so done. But I have stayed everytime and I don’t know why.

this post isn’t about being told to leave, I already know I have to, but something inside me makes me so anxious to just get on with it. Terrified of being by myself with children, terrified of being alone forever. This is just an honest post I guess, about how difficult it has been for me to leave this man.

I guess I hope someone can tell me they’ve been there and when they left it was OK. How do I just sever ties when we have to live together to sell the property. Solicitors advice was don’t leave whatever you do. So it equals putting up with him and trying not to feel any kind of positive emotion toward him because the only thing that works is my anger toward him that stops me falling for his BS all over again. I know he won’t change. That would have happened by now.

I've been in s similar situation. You need to make him as uncomfortable as possible. Make him sleep on the sofa, don't cook or do anything else for him. He is now a single man living in your house.

Is there a possibility that he'll leave under his own steam? How involved is he with the kids?

In the end, for me, the police got involved and encouraged him to leave.

Unfortunately I’ve asked him to leave when I applied to divorce and he didn’t go. He has a lot of evidence I guess that if he acts as though it’s business as usual we will go back to normal. I don’t know whether he does all this to manipulate me or if he’s even that switched on about it but it seems to be a routine we have envelopes over the years. I am so done

*developed

You will be fine on your own and have the kids anyway so not really alone. You will feel a Hugh relief, you won't have to think about all the what ifs and uncertainty he brings to your life. You will be able to plan and enjoy life with more certainty and eventually may meet someone who brings good things to your life. I wish you well

Evidence of what? You don't need a reason to leave a marriage. As per PP stop doing stuff for him.

I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship, I held on for years because of the kids, finances etc. I'm doing just fine! You will be fine!!

You can grey rock him and try to disengage so his behaviour doesn't bother you.

I would start accepting that his behaviour isn't going to change. If he says he's 'nipping out', assume he'll go on a bender.

You've already had legal advice so start gathering all the information needed for divorce. Wikivorce has lots of information.

Thank you. Grey rocking is good advice I will try to do that. He’s still not back. Not surprised at all.

At a practical level, do you have a spare room he can move into while you go through the process of separating and getting the divorce started? If so, I’d make him up a bed there and take advantage of his absence to move his stuff in there.

He’s not going to improve, as he’s shown you before, and if you can get to a stage where you just treat him as a lodger and stop feeding him or doing his laundry you will at least feel like you’re clawing back some control over things.

You can do this, because the reality is that he’s been living like a single bloke for so long despite your marriage that you already know how to do it. He just needs to leave. Does he have parents or other family he could go to so you and the kids aren’t exposed to his behaviour?

There are places he can stay. But he won’t go. He thinks if he is still living here I’ll eventually cave as I have time and time again. He’s already on the sofa. He’s always slept on the sofa even right at the beginning. I can never understand why. His choice.

so… grey rock… treat him like a lodger… no cooking or washing for him. How about managing the kids? Do we start some sort of schedule where he deals with them on set days and vice versa? Or is that too early?

Knowledge is power. See a different solicitor!
Live as if he doesn’t exist. No cooking for him, no washing etc. separate food cupboards just as if he is a house-share lodger type person.

He’s acting like a bachelor with benefits so start your separation (under the same roof) today.

Many couples do this as their pre-cursor for divorce. You can tell him what your plan is if you think you should but you must absolutely stick to it.

Withdraw everything you do for him. Work out a new game plan with the children’s routines which does not rely on him. Have back-up plans with family or friends/other school mums.

You can do this. Start today. Your new life will begin.

He has just rocked up. I locked the front door last night and he implied I had locked him out as though he had tried to come home but couldn’t get in. I am certain he still would have knocked the door in that state and I was up most of the night wondering where he was. He makes my blood boil. I have tried to be calm and let him slope off to the couch to sleep off his most likely cocaine induced hangover. I am so done here. I am thinking of what a brighter future will look like for me and the children. Starting by booking mediation as soon as possible to get the ball rolling for the financial order. All this bad behaviour is just more evidence I need to assure myself I am making the right decision. I just have to stick with it this time. I have made a list of all the reasons why I have to leave him. Starting with the misery he has caused me for many years now

Good luck @Wellthisisannoying you can do this! I’m in the same situation kind of. Knew I had to leave but kept getting guilted to stay, waiting around- don’t know what for, and him refusing to go and things eventually go back to ‘normal’. It’s tiring- but I have finally decided I am done. I know things won’t get better and I finally see I am better off with him not around me or the kids- I am happier and a better mum when he isn’t here me I’m not waiting around for him. It’s scary the unknown and the messiness-
but I keep telling myself that so many people
do this, and in worse situations, and they come out the other side better and happier! I stayed for my kids, but I realise now I am allowing him to ruin their childhood and I don’t want to be part of that! You need to build yourself up, find your inner strength, read daily quotes of positivity and strength etc and you will see that you are opening the door to better things!

@Becausemymumtoldmeso we sound like we are in similar situations. It’s easy to go back to the normal routine for the sake of what seems like an easy life but unfortunately the reality is that the relief is always short lived followed eventually by repeated behaviours. Leaving will cause a huge amount of upheaval but I know in the long run it’ll be easier that the constant chaos his behaviour brings. Good luck with your situation