Marriage advice needed

[Darceybeau]

Been married for 15 years but together 25 years. Had ups and downs over the years but mostly a happy marriage. We have had several rounds of ivf which have sadly failed and we have decided not to do any more cycles. We self funded our ivf cycles.
At the moment it just feels like we are roommates rather than anything else. There is no affection, no kissing or cuddling and no intimacy. It feels like we are just used to each other being there and we take each other for granted.
On a few occasions I have tried to initiate but have been shut down which hurt and knocked my confidence. I am not ready to live a sexless life. I feel I am lusting after strangers and I am feeling pretty low. We went away on holiday in March and i was hoping we would be able to become intimate as usually on holiday we have a very active sex but there was nothing.
I feel like I don’t even know how to address this with my dh at all. Please can anyone help?

Counselling?

Your both trying to come to terms with a different life than that which you envisioned.

You have to focus on bringing back intimacy and romance into the relationship. Get to know each other again and get to a stage where you desire each other.

You can't do that alone so it might be an idea to have a conversation with your husband and ask where he is. Don't talk about sex, talk about your relationship.

@Darceybeau So sorry to hear about your IVF struggles. It takes a massive toll on you both, and and you both probably need time to grieve what you have lost. On top of that your sex life has no doubt been functional based around your ovulation cycles and that will have no doubt taken the shine off that intimacy.
I really feel for you right now because I know what a lack of intimacy and affection can do to your mental health and how it drags your confidence and esteem down.
If you want to fix the relationship you need to sit down and talk about it, face into it and find ways to bring back the passion. How about a weekend away somewhere quiet and have a meal in and just start with your feelings about the IVF and it's impacts on you? Then try to get him to open up? Or counselling?
I hope you can find everything you need going forward x

I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a difficult time. I would try and focus any conversations not about physical intimacy but about rebuilding a new life with IVF off the table - reconnecting as a couple. But first is counselling individually something you’ve had / would consider? Would your partner? Some support to help you process what you’ve been through, and then if they’re willing, perhaps couples therapy may help address the lack of connection between you. You’re probably both grieving what you’ve lost, and your joint goal has come to an end - and you need to find a new shared goal. If that’s what you both want.

I think you need to tackle this head on, you can’t wait for him to bring it up as he’s clearly withdrawn. How about sitting him down and saying something like:

“There’s something really important I need to talk to you about. It’s hard for me to bring up, but I’ve been feeling really distant from you lately—not just emotionally but physically too. I know we’ve been through so much together, with the IVF coming to an end, and I’m struggling because I miss feeling close to you. I miss affection. I’ve tried to initiate, but you’ve pushed me away and that’s left me feeling hurt and unwanted. I don’t want us to drift into being just roommates - I want us to build a new future together. I want us to find our way back to each other, and I’d really like us to talk about how we’re both feeling and what we need. Can we try and talk this through together?”
I really hope you can work this through.
💛

Yes, IVF takes its toll on a couple, but let’s be honest, it was the OP making all the physical sacrifices.

He’s now being cruel by rejecting her, withholding affection, and refusing to communicate.

Could it be that he’s somehow applying blame to the OP? Could he be being unfaithful? Has anything else changed @Darceybeau?

Honestly I think this is really unfair.

TTC, Infertility & IVF really change how you see sex. It changes it from something that is exciting & about pleasure into something that is purely functional, something that has to be done to make a baby, it’s a means to an end, scheduled based on ovulation tests and the calendar rather than by desire, a job on a list almost. Thankfully my husband & I weren’t trying for years and years for our children but even we said after trying for our first it had become a different beast entirely. Sex had stopped being spontaneous or exciting it had literally become a job, on both sides, not something we did because we wanted to but something we did because we had to in order to get what we wanted.

My husband felt that just as much as I did.

Coming to terms with the fact you cannot have children and are not going to have children is a huge thing, I would never judge someone for how they handle that kind of life change.

There does need to be communication here but I wouldn’t rush in with he’s in the wrong, this sounds really tough all round.

@Lorlorlorikeet I did suspect something about a year ago but he completely denied it. I just feel so lonely and I feel like I can’t talk to anybody in real life. Not many people are aware we had ivf etc so I can’t really ever explain everything in real life. Ivf does take it out of you both physically and mentally.
I feel completely drained with everything.