5 mins from I want to move back to I’m never moving back home

[Lardybumbum]

I had asked my partner of 17 to leave the family home in February because he’s been lying about getting into debt. In the months since we spoke about us a couple and his problems and and he got into therapy for his problems and we were working towards him moving in. He had said he’d start moving his stuff back in last week but it didn’t happen and he didn’t mention it. So today he came over and reiterated he wanted to move home but within five minutes he’d decided he wasn’t moving back ever and had told our two ND kids 15&7 he wasn’t coming home.

i don’t even know how to process this. I feel totally blindsided. Things weren’t perfect but the issues I thought we had weren’t really the kinds of things we could work on while living apart and while he is already is personal therapy, couples counselling is off the cards.

Now I’m sat here wondering wtf has happened and his explanation for the sudden change just doesn’t make sense. He claims
he had no confidence in our ability to work things out and he felt awkward coming back. I don’t see him changing his mind.

I’m left now dealing with our kids. Our oldest is doing her year 11 exams this week and how is this going to be affected by his decision? Our youngest took it very well but he won’t show his dad emotion only me so I suspect he’ll be upset eventually.

And I just don’t know how to feel. I’m terrified for the future because I’m disabled and unable to work and the house is in his name. He maintains he won’t put us out but that will change as soon as the next girlfriend comes along. I have no savings left because they were spent on survival post-disability and he is so bad with money he won’t become able to afford an apartment and support his kids. He’s so naive about the costs of having two homes.

I’m so heartbroken right now. I feel so sick and I don’t know what to do. I thought we’d grow old together tolerating each others issues but clearly it was only me tolerant of our issues, not him.

Anybody? I’m so alone and have no one to talk to

Well you asked him to leave and he did. If anybody asked me to leave my home I'd not be moving in ever again.

That is very strange behaviour OP.

If I'm reading it right things were still on track for him moving back even though he hadn't started the process last week but when he came round he dropped this bombshell instead?

Do you think he has met someone else and he hasn't had the guts to tell you he was having second thoughts?

A very dirty trick to play on your DC as well as yourself.

You need to take legal advice as to what rights you have as regards staying in the family home.
You need to find out what benefits you might be entitled to that you aren't already claiming.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

Ok breathe
first things first you have a year 11 doing important exams so you need to just focus on that right now.

he isn’t kicking you out and between you you have two children to home and feed so don’t panic

concentrate on your daughter’s GCSEs and in between research your options calmly

it might be easier for you two adults to focus on the needs of your children first

Pretty awful of him to tell the DC when his child is about to sit GCSE’s. I guess he has decided the relationship is over. It is a worrying time for you as you’re unable to work. Hopefully he won’t want to sell the house anytime soon.

you say he was talking about moving back but within 5 minutes had changed his mind. Did you say anything during those 5 minutes that may have caused him to change his mind?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but I wonder if, no matter how bad he is with money (and that's something we can't judge based on no information) the pressure of being the sole wage earner alongside the financial strains of three people with varying degrees of disability are simply too much. You say he is bad with money and got into debt - but not why. Perhaps he is vascillating because walking away from his family isn't what he wants to do at one level, but when faced with the situation he simply can't cope mentally with this. Being the breadwinner, and knowing that is the future for you for ever is not easy - you are terrified about the future, but maybe he is too. Bad financial decisions or poor spending habits are not always a case of just not controlling your spend, and there are often psychological underpinnings. The fact that he is in personal therapy suggests that there may be more going on here.

My disability is new and he doesn’t have to care for me. I look after the children and I do contribute to the house financially and do all our budgeting. Our kids are very easy to look after so they’re not really adding to his burden.

He was asked to leave a few months back to allow him the time and space to work on his own mental health which is usually always the reason he ends up in debt. He was like this before we met so it’s not a new thing but it’s something that couldnt continue any more. In that time I’ve been the full time Single mum trying to get my health to a place I can return to work and I was almost there before his breakdown and asking him to leave.

I didn’t really say anything in that time between saying he wanted to move
home and them he wasn’t other than to ask why he hadn’t already.

he says there isn’t anyone else (don’t they all) but I think I believe him as he has spent most of his time with us and just sleeping at his mums.

i am terrified of having to go to speak to the dwp. We get universal credit so I think him leaving just takes him off the claim but I don’t know. It’s a bank holiday so need to deal with that tomorrow.

i have no legal rights to the house, I’m aware
of that and it didn’t bother me when I had savings because i always had more money than him and all furniture is mine but the rental market has changed since i last needed a place of my own and nobody takes uC locally. He’ll just have to evict us and he won’t do that to his kids

the practical stuff aside I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. He says it’s not that he doesn’t love me but it certainly doesn’t feel like any kind of being loved.

@Lardybumbum I do appreciate what you are saying, but you are speaking from your perspective.... the disability is new (but didn't spring from nowhere, so some poor health for some time?), you don't need care (will that be for ever, or just now?), the kids are easy to deal with (but notwithstanding that he is the sole breadwinner for three people), he's had longstanding mental ill health (so something that he struggles with on an ongoing basis)....this is all where you are in your thinking, not where he is in his thinking. I am not suggesting that this isn't a serious blow to you, or that it is easy for you and hard for him. We all put our own thoughts first. But something is going on that you aren't seeing, and if he is spending all that time with you, you are confident that there isn't someone else (and it does sound like there isn't) then it is something about the home situation that he can't face. He may not be perfect. I am sure you aren't either, because none of us are. But the more you say, the more it sounds like it is something in the home situation that whilst home is where he wants to be, he simply can't face it and can't explain it.

I don't know if this will help, but if he can't explain it verbally, perhaps ask him to put it in writing to see if it is something you can both work on. maybe he could work on that with his therapist? You sound like there is still something to be saved from this in your mind, and if that is the case, then it's worth a try. Obviously, if there isn't, then you need to cut this now and move on - the sooner the better in terms of settling things longer term. You can decide to end the relationship now. And that would be perfectly reasonable. But perhaps moving back in to deal, or start to deal, with these issues you say there are is more what you want than what he needs? It only takes one person to break a relationship, but it takes two to make it work. One isn't better than the other - but you need to be sure that this is what you want.

One last comment - it may be a reach, but saying he isn't moving back ever isn't quite the same thing as ending the relationship. He's moved out and from what you say, simply sleeps somewhere else. That doesn't sound to me like someone who is ending a relationship or even seriously thinking about it. I still think there is more to this, but only you can decide if that matters to you.

If there’s more to it then he isn’t communicating that with me.

I think that was my point! Just because you want him to explain, or to be able to explain, doesn't mean he can. So you either accept that and call it quits or you try to find a way that he can communicate what he's feeling to you. You may be able to feel that you have confidentally explained where you stand, and can do that. It doesn't mean he can. Albeit that you are scared about the future and upset, you are articulating yourself well and with clarity. That is a skill not everyone has at the best of times, and from what you have said, he isn't as clear and articulate as you are at any time. And do remember that articulacy in others can be very daunting for some. In many ways it might be easier for someone like him to have a good reason - "I met someone else", "I don't love you any more" - those are tough things to hear but they are clear. But you gave him a shot at a clear reason, you believe he doesn't have one, so it is entirely possible he actually can't articulate what he's feeling. Apart from anything else, many men are bloody rubbish at it.

The issue here is, do you care? Not, are you scared of the future? You'll manage that I am sure, no matter how scary it feels. But is that the future you want? And if it isn't, where is your line in the sand - how far are you able to go and what will you do to try to find that communication?

Having to leave your home and life as you know it is incredibly unsettling. If I was your DP and currently managing ok I’d be very hesitant to move back in. What’s his guarantee that you won’t just ask him to leave again?

Thank you @PhilippaGeorgiou i think you’ve explained that really well -
I had t really thought of it that way.

If someone behaves like a dick there has to be consequences. If he returns he knows that I have boundaries and crossing those have consequences. It wasn’t just I don’t like your tshirt get out. It was putting up with a lot of shit debt and lies about debt and it couldn’t go on. If he stays away then it’s his choice and his loss.