I'm just so tired

[donttellmewhaticantdo]

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7. Been together since we were teens, so have essentially grown up together. I just feel like we are nearing the end of our relationship. I think I've outgrown him.

We have been arguing a lot lately. We have always argued. He is very argumentative and confrontational. I'm the opposite. I just want an easy quiet life. He will stand and argue his point for 30 minutes, while I just sit and listen, barely saying any words at all. He goes over his points again and again, puts words in my mouth then carries on, going around in circles. He wears me down basically so I just surrender so I can stop him from talking and going on and on.

He usually chooses to do this in the evening. The time I most look forward to after putting the children to bed so I can relax and unwind. So we spend the evening arguing for hours and I just end up having to go to bed to get away from him, then the evening is over. I have started to dread coming downstairs after the children are asleep, because I wonder what he's going to bring up next to have a discussion or argument about.

He is very strong minded about parenting. He hates the children watching tv (they don't watch a huge amount but I need it sometimes for my sanity), any food I buy He will check all the ingredients in it and say I shouldn't buy that because such and such is so bad for you. If I buy anything low fat for myself, he will go on at me about how full fat stuff is better etc. I can understand some things and we have made changes so the children aren't eating so much processed food with bad artifical ingredients, but there's always a comment about something.

We don't have sex that often, maybe twice a month. I just don't want to anymore. I don't feel any emotional connection to him anymore. He makes me feel guilty about it and tries to talk me into it. I have given in many times just to avoid the sulking and arguments. He has stopped asking so much lately, as we have both been ill and then I had my period, so I've had a nice break from it.

I just feel stuck. I don't want to be with him any more. But I don't want to rip my family apart. Our children are so young and I'm completely financially dependent on him. I do have a job, but the hours are not possible unless he is at home to look after the children. I'm just stuck.

You're not arguing, he's ranting at you. An argument involves two people.

He sounds very dominating. If someone criticised what I bought I'd hand over shopping duties to them - yippee. But that obviously isn't an option.

Talking you into sex you don't want is coercion.

What would happen if you told him to put a sock in it?

My ex husband used to rant and it really grinds you down. Hence why he is an ex!

He likely has very low self-esteem himself and so is controlling on so many levels as it makes him momentarily feel powerful. Problem is he never feels powerful for very long, therefore it’s a constant never-ending superior attitude that will grind you down. He has to put you down to make himself feel better. The evening arguments are about that too. You will have to leave. Take your time, sort out finances, even if it takes a few years. You can get a new life. It’s best for the kids to see their mom happy and healthy. That’s the best thing you can do for them.

Yes that's what it is. I feel like I'm put down about everything. Every decision I make is questioned or I'm made to feel stupid for doing something or saying something. I used to be a very bubbly, sociable person, outgoing and had lots of friends. Now I'm just a shell of who I used to be. I have one friend who I don't see much since having kids and she doesn't have any so it's difficult. He makes out that it's strange that I don't initiate play dates or get invited for play dates, he says things like "do you just not talk to other mums? I dont understand how you cant just talk to them or arrange something" . He doesn't understand how it can be with other mums and how hard it is to make friends with people. He's very chatty and can stand and talk to a stranger for an hour. I'm just not like that.

We've just had a massive row because I went out last night and he took the kids to his mums and stayed the night there. I'm in the wrong because I didn't thank him for me getting to go out and have peace while he looked after the kids. He doesn't really go out much but I wouldn't expect a thank you from him for looking after the children.

I've told him I'm not happy, it didn't go down well. He said everything he does is for us and that I'm never grateful. I admitted that I'm not perfect. I do get overstimulated and can be grumpy when he gets home, but it's not aimed at him, it's usually just because I need a minute to get myself together. I always apologise and say "sorry for what I said, I was overstimulated " or I phone him just to vent sometimes, but that usually ends up in an argument because rather than just be there to listen, he needs to give solutions, whereas I just want support, I don't want to know how to solve the problem.

I've taken myself up to bed as we're not going to solve anything tonight and I'm exhausted. But I dread tomorrow as it's just going to carry on again.

The kids can definitely sense it. I try not to discuss things with him in front of them. But he follows me around as he needs things fixed there and then and won't let it go. I'm just so scared to leave as I've only ever been with him. He's all I know.

Now I'm just a shell of who I used to be.

This is it OP. This is your one and only life and the only childhood your children get.

Do you want the rest of your life to be you ground down to a husk being followed around the house and bullied?

Life doesn't have to be like this.

Why are you not in marriage counseling?

You should go to marriage counseling immediately. You both need to try something different for your children as well as yourselves. It sounds like everyone is miserable. Stop the merry-go-round. Try something different. Best wishes.

You know this is not a healthy relationship for you or your children. Do you want your children to think this is a 'normal' relationship and settle for this shit when they get older . Leave him...he won't change so you need to take the power back, for you and your kids