Some days I miss abusive ex

[Lavenderfowl]

just that. I hate feeling like this. He was a nasty bastard and I am well rid of him. There is absolutely no chance of going back to him, I mostly can't even look at him I'm so angry about what he did.

But some days I miss the good bits...

That’s perfectly normal. Abusers are not abusive all the time and they can be very charming and love bomb. It’s also. Tonal to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought or hoped you had. Do the freedom programme.

I understand this. But you’re missing the attachment and not the person.
When you leave you go through stages of grief and one of them is to remember the good times with rose tinted glasses almost.
That’s all this is. It’ll pass. Next week you might be angry again, or sad. Eventually you won’t feel anything. Take care of yourself and remember you’re better off without him.

Write down all the things he did that was abusive and how bad he was and read it back to yourself any time you feel this way. Then feel grateful he’s gone.

Hi I’m 9 years out of an abusive marriage and I still feel like this regularly.
I miss the family we created, how our families got on so well. The feeling of being a unit and also the feeling of being loved by him.
but… then I remember how he treated me. The things he would do and they way he used our children to punish me when I left.
I agree with keeping a list if the things he done to you. It’s easy to forget the bad stuff and hang on to the good.

Totally normal. If there weren’t any good bits then you wouldn’t have had any relationship. Just because it’ was an abusive relationship it does not mean you won’t feel the loss of it - even if that is just the loss of ‘being in a relationship’. You are completely normal to have a bit of relationship grief. I mean, it didn’t end how you wished for a start

The good parts in an abusive relationship are also part of the abuse. In my case anyway, that was what drew me back in and kept me there

Give it time. Time will fade the memories. Keep busy, do things you enjoy, make new memories. Your old memories with him will fade further and further into the background.

Am 2 years out of an abusive wife and TBH hate her with a passion now but do still miss the family unit etc... Just focus on the things they did wrong and get a bit of hatred back - channelled the right way its amazing

You are not alone. Sadly the most abusive ones are also the most likely to lovebomb to draw us in and try and make up for the bad stuff. And the good stuff is addictive.
Decent guys are usually in the middle which doesn’t feel enough sometimes

I get this - though haven't fully left yet. It's weird isn't it?

I don't trust my partner at all. He is quite a horrible person and did something truly awful to me. I know I dislike him and yet still put the good times on a pedestal, even though they actually weren't amazing.

I do sometimes miss the fun nice moments of course there were many of them. Keep a note on your phone of all the mean nasty things they've done it helps

Yes

Thanks everyone, it is all such a headf*ck isn't it...and trying to navigate an emotionally stable path through it is so difficult sometimes. It's only recently that I have been able to appreciate how spectacularly good he is at lying and manipulation - I find I have to make myself notice it if that makes sense, like looking AT the car windscreen rather than through it?

I'm way too scared to look for someone else - we were together for 20 years, nearly four years out - but sometimes the longing for someone else to look after/out for me is so strong, and that's when it happens.