AIBU?

[YourMintFish]

Looking for some advice really. Been in a relationship with my currently partner for 18 months on and off, with 2 breaks initiated by me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who live with me, and see their dad every other weekend. I’ve always made it very clear to my current SO that having space and time to myself is massively important and that without it I start to go a bit stir crazy. SO wants to move in and I’m not so sure. He’s been spending bigger chunks of time at mine with me and the kids and everytime he does we fight constantly, he doesn’t see it as fighting but I do, and he gets really offended when I ask why he thinks we’re constantly bickering. So to cut a long story short he is massively anxious, so comments on everything I do. Example, I had a longer shower than normal the other day, just so I could get a bit of time on my own. I come out the bathroom to “that was a long shower” or everytime I look at my phone he asks “is everything ok” to a point now where I intentionally don’t look at my phone around him because it drives me mad. Or if I go upstairs for a wee and take longer than usual he either comes to “check I’m ok” or he’ll ask if I’m ok when I come back downstairs. These are just a few small examples but I kid you not it is constant. He follows me around EVERYWHERE, it’s like having a constant shadow, and in the end I get snappy and irritable because I feel like I’m being watched constantly. It’s like having constant surveillance cameras on you. The other night I was meant to be having some time to myself in the bath with a book, after 45 mins he comes in, announces he’s finished his work and sits on the toilet like it’s prime chatting time. To which I awkwardly said that I wasn’t going to be able to read with him sat there, so he begrudgingly left. Then came back half an hour later for a wee and to ask if I was getting out soon. Safe to say my relax time was over. Then he was moody all night because he wanted to spend time together and I’d prioritised bath time over him. So AIBU at getting annoyed at him, and wanting some time to myself.

Why are you with this man? Don’t let him move in

He’s very sweet and thoughtful when he’s not in my home and he’s great with my kids, they adore him, I guess that probably why I’m questioning it. It’s only when he’s at the house that he starts behaving like this. My kids dad was a narc, so I have absolutely zero intention of letting current SO move in.

Why would you even consider letting this loser move under your kids roof? Put them first and don’t let this moody pathetic twat wreck their childhood.

Tbh why are you still with him? He sounds a complete dickhead. He’s already training you to walk on eggshells and moderate your behaviour to appease him.

He is great with your dc because he himself is a moody teenager....
Raise your bar.

You sound grateful he likes your dc..
When I met dp (now dh) he said he felt privileged he was welcomed into their lives..not bickering like a twat in their home.

Ltb today and don't look back..

I think you don’t sound compatible. You like space. He likes company. Neither is wrong, but you’ll drive each other crazy.

I’m sensing a theme 🤣 I’ve ended it with him twice because of this behaviour but he always wrestles his way back in. Even completely blocked him on everything last time, but my dad guilt tripped me into speaking to him again. I guess I know in my gut he’s not worth it, just needed confirmation I wasn’t being the arse.

Put your foot down and say he can stay at yours every other weekend and in the week you will meet once for a date away from your home, see how he reacts. He sounds clingy and pathetic watching you all the time. Why does he want to spend more time at yours, doesn't he have any friends or hobbies.

I couldn’t live like this. He is making you feel claustrophobic and he doesn’t even live there full time!

The fact you’ve binned him off twice in an 18 month period speaks volumes. I think it’s just a matter of holding firm and not letting him weasel his way back in next time you bin him off!

I have a friend like this. She's like this because she has had a history of emotional and physical abuse and abandonment from family and partners. She's hypervigilent to your moods, microreads facial expressions, and always expects that you're going let her down/reject her.

I really like her but it was intolerable and so I had to try and build a secure attachment with her for it to work as the close friends we had become. I took advice from a friend that had an autistic child and looked up more methods of establishing trust and routine with autistic young people.

Practical things I did was tell her when I was working so she was never left wondering why I hadn't answered her for hours on end. I'd let her know when I planned to leave and stick to that time so she got used to being together, and then me leaving, and her not assuming that something has gone wrong. I make sure I make time for her and schedule it in each month. I'm more spontaneous with other people.

These things were extra. I couldn't have multiple friends with this level of need. But I really like her and I find the extra work worth it. Now, it's become routine and also she is more resilient when things change because we've built that trust.

I know for a fact that she still has the same struggles with new people, but it doesn't bleed into our friendship inappropriately. We've reached a good place.

He sounds like my toddler.

We’re long distance so when he’s here he doesn’t know anyone because I live 3 hours away from where he lives (where we’re both from) so he has no friends up here, he’s self employed too, and doesn’t drive. So when he’s a mine the only entertainment he has is me and the kids. I on the other hand have quite an intense and busy job, as well as the kids ect, so I’ve a lot of responsibility. Probably another reason why we’re not very compatriots.

My god he sounds like my ex. Suffocating my every move every hour of every day. He turned abusive in the end.

Stop letting people interfere with your brain and life. DF or not. He does not have to spend his life pondering to a needy man does he? Get your life back, set the bar higher and dont let this man reel his way back in. The more you toss him to the side he will just get better at manipulating you, like your dad seems to be able to do by talking you round in taking someone back. Its your life.

As a pp has said. You're already moderating your behaviour around him to facilitate his insecurities. It starts there, but where does it end? You having to wear an air tag while walking the dog or going to the shops randomly? I know someone who is in that exact position. It's become her normal, and she does it to keep the peace.

Everything points to, he doesn't trust you. Have you asked him why?

If space apart is what you need for your needs being met, he's definitely not meeting them. Being nice to the kids is important but your overall relationship needs to feel secure with both of you understanding how to meet, engage with and grow with eachothers needs, because they do change over time.

If I say I need a long soak and time with my book, my H will make sure everything is in place for me to do just that. He will get the kids to bed, tidy up and leave me the fuck alone. Because I'd be signalling that I need some serious down time. And vice versa. We anticipate that the other has individual needs and wants and we always try to work with it. No sulking because the other wanted to spend the evening together. It was more important in that moment to give the other space so everything else can flourish and find a balance again.

You both need to discuss what your balance looks like. If either doesn't agree or agrees but doesn't follow through the relationship is most likely doomed to path of resentment.

@MyOliveHelper thays really useful thank you. I do always try and let him know where I am going to be if I’m not going to text him back for a while ect. But I think, like you said, you have to be able to put the work in. And I really don’t think I have it in me to do so. I spent 12 years with my kids dad who wasn’t the best either and have spent a long time healing from him. Starting again with a similar type person is just not something I want to do, if I’m being brutally honest.

That's fair enough. I make a pointed effort to discourage any close bond with people who are similar to my friend because I don't have the capacity for that level of clinginess from another friend.

Ditch him. Red flags abound. He’s controlling and that never ends well.

Do the freedom programme.

I think you need someone a bit more self sufficient. This guy seems to be doing your head in.

Have a good long hard think about how this happened:

I’ve ended it with him twice because of this behaviour but he always wrestles his way back in. Even completely blocked him on everything last time, but my dad guilt tripped me into speaking to him again.

Firstly - what the fuck has your dad got to do with your relationship with your boyfriend? Tell dad to keep his nose out of your business.
You feeling like you have to do what your dad says may be at the root of your issues.

Second - what does "he wrestles his way back in" actually look like? He keeps phoning and texting? He turns up on the doorstep? You agree to meet to "discuss" things but he won't accept it is over? You don't feel like you have the power to end it for good unless he agrees with you that it is over? You feel like you need his permission before it is really over?

So everything is great except when he's at your house. And you're asking if you should let him move in? Give your head a wobble @YourMintFish . He's not an independent man, he's like a toddler or a dog following you everywhere which can be cute when it's a toddler or a dog but not when it's a man! I would have ended things on the spot because his neediness is really pathetic.

Just wanted to clarify, dad didn’t talk me into anything, he went over to SO to drop his things off and he was crying and telling my dad how much he loved us all ect. My dad told me and it was me that allowed communication open again because i felt I’d been too harsh completely cutting him off. It is however always SO that’s begins communication between us again. He’s always really emotionally available at the start and (like all
men do) makes all these promises that swiftly go back to this controlling behaviour after a couple of months. He won’t be moving in.

Thanks all anyway. I know what I need to do. Get rid and actually cut off entirely this time. Starting therapy next week, so I’ll use that to keep me from opening up contact again.

It’s an observation I’ve made before, in my almost 60 years on this earth I’ve never ever heard a grown adult man described as ‘sweet’ other than on MN when someone is describing the good points of their abusive controlling manipulative partner.

It seems the go to word regarding these useless men and I wonder if it’s a deliberate way they behave to blur their twattiness

I felt claustrophobic just reading your account of time with this man.

Oh God, OP. I'd have buried him under the patio by now. That level of clinginess would do my head in.

It's like managing a toddler who won't let you go for a wee without them!