Splitting jobs around the house

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to vent and not sure whether I am being unreasonable...

My boyfriend and I live together, and I am finding jobs around the house to be quite an uneven split.

I work full time in a job I don't enjoy (Monday-Friday) and at weekends work self employed to build up a business that I hope to eventually leave my other job for.

My partner works full time too (Monday-Friday).

I am one of those people who needs to be in a clean and tidy space in order to feel good. I understand that sometimes I can be very regimented with things, which can annoy my boyfriend. Although he does some bits around the home, I do feel that sometimes only I have eyes to see the things that need doing around the house.

It has been a full on week, and as much as I try to keep on top of things, there is always something that needs doing.

This weekend, I have worked yesterday and today. He has had the weekend free, and yesterday chose to see his friend. Ofcourse I do not have a problem with this, but he hadn't walked our dogs or done anything around the house except clean half the bathroom. When I got home knackered, we then walked the dogs together.

Today I was working and he messaged his friend to see if his friend wanted help with his gardening. The house was a mess this morning, and I really wish his help could start with me at home.

I have just got back and the place is a mess, dogs arent walked, washing up isnt done, dust is all over the surfaces, bed isnt made. He has put some washing in the machine though.

I just feel that sometimes he will do that one token thing (like put the washing machine on, or clean half of the bathroom) to say that he does help. I am just tired of doing the majority of everything, but am not sure whether it is a petty fight I want to pick.

Am I being unreasonable?

So firstly, I'd say you have to acknowledge that how you want the house to be isn't necessarily the right way, so he isn't nt doing anything wrong by not putting housework at the same level of priority as you do.

However, he wants to live with you (I assume) and that takes compromise. You have to accept how you are (which you've done) and how he is without assigning blame or judgement. You are who you are. He has to do the same.

In order for it to work peacefully, you have to accept that it probably won't be him who does "his half" of keeping things how you need them to be to live with him, but it could be his responsibility to ensure someone does it (a cleaner).

You have to accept that you've chosen someone with different standards and needs and priorities to you when it comes to housework and accept that he won't meet your criteria for tidyness around the house, and that a cleaner is the only way to get near to that standard. And it will only ever be near to that standard unless you have a housekeeper that attends daily.

Get the Fair Play cards and have a proper time to discuss this.

I could not live with someone who didn’t see the mess and the jobs that need doing

Whose are the dogs? If they’re jointly owned then so are the responsibilities that come with them.

Realistically, you are 2 people without any children who are out of the house most of the time. The house shouldn’t be getting wrecked.

You presumably are both home in the evenings every day. Just do a quick tidy up together then. If you cook, he loads dishwasher and wipes down the counters. One day a week, you each take a bathroom. It shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes to clean a bathroom. You each wash your own clothes. Every Sunday evening, one of you hoovers and the other mops the kitchen floor. I wouldn’t expect him to be using his weekends to clean the house. Do it together in both your free time.

He'd rather go off and help a friend than help keep your home tidy and clean.

It sounds like you're incompatible. You want a clean and tidy environment and he can't be bothered.

He's not going to step up and clean to your standard.

You can

Compromise and have a messy home

Do most of the cleaning yourself and forget the weekend side gig.

Live separately.

Split up.

I wonder if your frustration may in part be that you’re working 7 days a week whilst he quite rightly has some down time. I think you need to assess how feasible it is to continue this amount of work for any length of time. If you want to continue with it, something has to give and housework is probably the easiest way. Whilst your partner should be supporting you with setting up your business, having him spent weekends cleaning to get things to your level, may not be fair. Equally, you could arrange for a cleaner to come in and help, but I’d expect to pay for most of this yourself.

Life can be hard when you’re working full time and being able to relax and see pals at weekends, is part of what makes things bearable. He might want to spend time with you at weekends but as part of him supporting you, he acknowledges you’re busy and goes to see a friend. I think if you’re expecting him to stay home alone and get things to your standard, this may cause a lot of unnecessary fall outs.

Ultimately, I’d try to ensure you’re both cleaning a bit and tidying as you go. As a couple with no children, the house shouldn’t be too bad at any time, after all, you’re out at work most of the time. Devote ten mins each per day to ticking essentials off and maybe look at a rota. I think it would be unreasonable to expect everywhere is pristine whilst you’re working such a lot and maybe you need to lower your standards for now. It’s really not worth friction if he’s a decent partner. As long as kitchen / bathroom is clean, you’ve got clean clothes and the hoover goes round a bit, no one will die. Keep on top of the clutter as that always makes the house feel better.

Regarding the dog(s), he may feel he doesn’t see you much and it’s a chance to do a bit of something together and to actually enjoy having a dog as well. He may think you’d benefit from some fresh air with him, after working so much. If he’s been out with pals and not had chance to walk them, that’s fair enough. Unless he insists you accompany him even when you’re exhausted, this might just be you seeing it as him leaving the job to you, rather than it being his attempt at spending quality time with you.

You aren’t being unreasonable; there are so many posts on mumsnet about this same topic. Many men just don’t want to do the boring cleaning jobs, and expect women to do them, even if they work full time. It’s just the way our culture has been in the past, but things are changing. Make a list of all chores that need to be done and split them equally. You may have to drop your standards a teeny bit for example put up with a bit of dust etc. It will take time for new habits to form but keep at it.

Why shouldn't OP expect him to pull his weight evenly?

You need a conversation with him OP to duscuss what you both understand by partnership. He needs to pull his sweight. Don't let this drift, it will only get worse. At some level he might even welcome a constructive line in the sand about what he has to do, especially if he is a bit clueless. Don't take on the whole mental load either - he needs to take responsibility.

His standards and expectations of housework don’t align with yours
doesn’t sound like he’s leaving it expecting you to do it he just genuinely isn’t bothered

Because he isn't that way inclined and there are no rules to say that everyone must be as clean as the OP.

They both have the responsibility of finding some middle ground they can both happily exist. OP might have to accept that a cleaner does the majority of his part of that and that won't be to the standard she wants it, but will likely be better than it is now.

Most people have slightly different standards of cleanliness and different focuses and yours sounds much higher than your BF's. You can emphasise what's important to you and ask him to step up but, if you ultimately don't have the same level of understanding of what a clean and organised house is, more will fall to you.

I have slightly higher standards than my DH. I wipe down more surfaces, do more dishes. He's not a slob but I don't think he's cleaned the shower or oven, for example. (I will say he appreciates a pristine made bed more than me.) However, I don't mow the lawn or fill up the cars or take them for checks. He does. You could look for a balance that way.

Sometimes it is just incompatibility and, if it's bad without the added stress and chaos of kids, you should maybe consider this. It is part of why they recommend living together before marriage.

This may or may not be helpful, but I'm similar to your other half in this, and my other half sounds like you. We find it's been helpful to recognise that if chores aren't done (on both sides) it's not from a place of maliciousness, but rather tired ness/ lack of spoons. We have an agreement that sometimes I'll be having a week where I can't get anything done, and vice versa. Communication is the key, and also understanding/compromise. Finding a middle ground where you are both happy and working towards that.