no spark in the relationship

[Llian2]

I have been with my partner for 3 years now and we have a son that is 1 years old. we are both 37 .

my partner is no longer interested in sex. we went over a year without sex. and now I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex since then. we never have date nights and only do nice things like days out with our son
we get well with our son but as a relationship nothing seems to be there. he never kisses me even when we have sex I feel like he is doing it as a chore and he doesn't really want to. I honestly don't know what to do anymore because I have spoken to him so many times and he has already told me i think I'm something special because I told him I feel like he only had sex with me to have a child because now he is no longer interested in any type if intamacy with me. I feel like we are just excisting as parents but not anything else. but I feel like he needs to let me get on and meet someone else and have a healthy sex life because right now I feel like I'm 80 and it's not healthy not to have a sex life so young. what are your thoughts on this?

What is stopping you from ending the relationship?

I honestly don't know there isn't anything stopping me I ques sometimes i think things will change but I think it will always be like this and it's already making me feel miserable. maybe we are better off as just friends co parenting.

@babystarsandmoon I honestly don't know there isn't anything stopping me I ques sometimes i think things will change but I think it will always be like this and it's already making me feel miserable. maybe we are better off as just friends co parenting

You’ve already given it time for things to change and it sounds like you’ve spoken about it many times before.

Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t care to fix the issue when they know it’s making you feel down.

@Llian2 Have you asked him to have relationship counselling with you? Does he accept that your lack of sex is an issue?
If he doesn't understand that it is a problem or takes on board your points then I would move on. If he agrees to counselling hopefully that will help you get to the cause and you may be able to fix it.
Personally as a guy I don't understand his behaviour towards you, I have very very very rarely turned down sex with a partner. It is such a lovely intimacy that makes you feel so much closer. Though sadly I completely understand the situation you are in and the damage to your happiness and self esteem that the rejection creates.

I found myself asking for affection and intimacy recently. When I realised what I'd done, I was mortified. No-one should ever have to ask for love and affection, it should be given readily. The other person shouldn't withhold this in a relationship. If they do, it's controlling behaviour.
I left.

Based on your timeline (3 year relationship, 1 year old child), it sounds like you got pregnant and had a baby relatively early on in the relationship and perhaps before you fully knew each other. There certainly seems to be a fair amount of coldness and hostility from him. It’s hard to see how you can build a relationship when there is so little affection and kindness there. Some of the most functional people and families I know involve divorced parents co-parenting sensibly and reasonably so hopefully that’s something you can achieve.

You obviously have different needs. So either negotiate, accept it or leave. Only options and it’s up to you and how you feel really.

@GarrynotsoGorilla he knows its a issue between us and is always full of excuses. it's always an excuse. but it's constant it's always me asking why are you just not interested in sex I tell him I find it very weird. couples counciling is something we could Try.

@Llian2 Getting him to accept they are excuses and he honest about the real reason is the challenge, once you have that you can move on knowing you did all you can if there is no addressing it. How are you feeling in yourself? How are your emotions around this?

@GarrynotsoGorilla feel unattractive and miserable and just excisting in the relationship tbh. the fact I have to ask him for any type of itamacy must mean there is a problem. I just can't keep talking to him about it it shouldn't be like this. it should come naturally when it doesn't.

Sounds like he may have developed a Madonna/Whore complex. As the mother of his child he sees you as the Madonna and not an object of lust. Happens a lot.

@Llian2 I agree, this is not something you should have to ask for, and I know how it makes you feel so unwanted and unattractive. I am sure it is very much not the case and this is all to do with him. I know a lot of MN will blame porn or an affair by him for some of this, so you think that is a possibility?

@GarrynotsoGorilla he has always had an issue with his weight since we have been together so it may be that but it's unfair to not show me affection if he knows the reason why it's like this. he's the one that should be trying to change things instead of not doing anything about it and expecting me to be ok with living with someone that shows no affection whatsoever. like we are room mates.

@Llian2 His weight has no bearing on losses, cuddles, intimate touches. It might on PIV sex if very overweight. I can really sense your pain and upset in how he is towards you. I hope you can find something that helps resolve this for you. Here if you need to talk more x

@GarrynotsoGorilla thank you x

Want: Sexual Fantasies by Anonymous https://g.co/kgs/WSRqA97 I recommend reading this, collated by Gillian Anderson. There are letters from women in similar situations.

@b0zza1 why are you posting that?

Sorry if that wasn't clear. It should have read 'There are letters from women in similar situations to you.' ie Women in marriages where their husbands don't seem to want to have sex with them.

It is a book of letters written to Gillian Anderson and whilst they detail the fantasies of the woman writing the letter, they also describe the situations the women are writing from (and some were sexless marriages).

I found it a very empowering book and thought that you might find some insight from shared experience - in the same way we do on mn.

@b0zza1 thank you