Parenting driving our marriage apart

[kitchen456]

I’m really struggling 😢

My son (7) is on the pathway to diagnosis but he absolutely has a strong PDA profile and it’s our biggest challenge. It’s driving our whole family apart.

As soon as he starts a meltdown he tries to break everything in the house, smashing the TV, throwing hard objects at light bulbs, swinging cupboard doors to break them off, throwing chairs etc. my husband cannot cope with this and also loses it. He cannot control his anger and the whole situation is out of control. This obviously makes my son even worse and then I’m left to pick up the pieces.

My husband says things like
What is wrong with you
Why do you ruin everything
You’re the rudest child I’ve ever met
I cannot live with you anymore

I try to tell my husband to walk away and leave the room but he won’t, he keeps chipping away at my son telling him off. I then snap and tell him he’s making it worse but then he snaps at me and it’s everyone against him.

He can be aggressive and nasty when he’s angry and I think I’m getting to my limit when this involves our children. He doesn’t see anything wrong. He thinks my son is the problem and I’m in the wrong for having a go at him.

We’ve done all the research together. We know what strategies to follow and to be low / no demands but we’re not perfect and I just don’t know what to do.

I’m worried for my son and his relationship with his dad. I’m worried for my marriage and I’m worried about how to stop the meltdowns and him breaking everything and attacking me.

Is there a way forward? 😭

Does your husband agree with the strategies when he's calm? Does he understand the point of trying to parent in a low demand way?

If he does, but he cannot or will not actually put that into practice, then he needs to go because he doesn't have control over himself and isn't taking responsibility for that or doing anything to improve the situation.

I’m sorry OP this all sounds really difficult. I think as humans we are all guilty of sometimes being triggered by things and losing our temper, the kind of aggressive destructive behaviour you mention from your son would cause that reaction in most people, it’s not ideal but it is part of life, usually I would say he needs to walk away from those situations if he finds those triggering but that then leaves you with it.

Would he be open to seeking help with his own emotions and responses? If so, I’d start there.

How can you be a responsible parent whilst also making no demands of your child? What consequences does he face for smashing the house up?

I appreciate you're doing your best and I'm not excusing his behaviour, but expecting your husband just to stand back or walk away while his home and possessions are destroyed really shouldn't be your solution to this.

Thank you for your reply.

yes he does agree. He’s also done lots of research and understands the approach we need to take but the second it kicks off he loses it. he also feels really guilty when things are calm again.

He’s always struggled with anger and his reactions and having children has escalated that massively. He’s had some counselling before but now refusing to do it or marriage counselling again.

Thank you for your reply.

Respectfully, if you don’t have understanding or experience of PDA, pathological demand avoidance, you won’t understand why our approach is low / no demand. The meltdowns and explosive behaviour is essentially a panic attack so it’s hard to get through to him.

my husbands approach to my son smashing stuff up is pinning him down and pushing him away from things whilst screaming at him.

I also don’t want our things destroyed but equally I can’t stand back and watch my husband be rough with him.

i don’t know how to stop things in the moment

I am not sure of the resources you may have access to, and I am sure you have had countless visits to the GP? But you must be exhausted trying to navigate this as a family.

I understand the reactions from your DH, and you.

Is there a specific trigger that you have noticed?
Have you noticed a pattern over the years?
Are you able to reach to your DS understanding on what is acceptable and what isnt? Or is he ignored after an incident?

What do you feel is working? and what is not?
Hold a diary if you can so that you can see what time of day there are triggers, and what sort of surroundings are working, and what is not.

Is your DS on the autism spectrum? PDA often comes along with AD.

This is so hard but it's unfortunately quite common with parents of ND children. And obviously the end result is that you are criticising each other's parenting over the head of a melting down child which will only increase his anxiety and therefore his behaviour, and you don't need me to tell you that.

He needs to learn how to manage his own emotions - it's very hard to co-regulate with an autistic child who is having a meltdown because you have to be completely on top of your own reactions and just staying really calm even if you don't feel it.

Are you able to work out triggers for the meltdowns so that you can head them off before they begin?

Would your DH be willing to strategise with your DS? So when they are both calm they could talk together about strategies both of them could use, and make it something they do as a team?