Husband and conversations

[ThePartyArtist]

This keeps coming up:
If I want to ask my husband about something that requires planning, and just start talking about it he gets really annoyed.

He seems to not cope with it being unannounced that I want to have a conversation where his input is expected.

However I feel these chats can happen organically when there's time, I shouldn't have to ask if it's ok to now talk about something that needs his input.

We now schedule conversations about things that need decisions. Eg. I have to ask when's a good time to chat about choosing a hotel to stay in on an upcoming trip. If I just chat to him about it he gets annoyed.

This morning I showed him ideas for a place to go on a date and he got cross that he hadn't expected it.

It's hard to explain but often I see a window to discuss a nice thing (eg.a place we could go together, while we have a cuppa) and he says he didn't realise our cuppa was going to be a planning meeting.

However he also rarely uses initiative to plan things and thinks I plan things too far ahead so it doesn't happen unless I do it.

I end up putting the legwork in behind the scenes then showing him options as he seems to get annoyed if he has the whole task.

Today I tried to chat to him about having a child free few nights away when we have the opportunity. He didn't expect the conversation then so got cross and is saying we don't necessarily need to go away, it's annual leave and money and we could be childfree at home whilst still working!

Is he ND ?

I know autistic people often have difficulty being faced with unexpected communication.

No he's not

for very big topics then there is some sense in scheduling a time for a chat but for other stuff no….Is he like this with other people/ family/ work… if so he has anxiety and he needs to take responsibility, get it treated and not take his anxiety out on others ….

if it’s just you….. well….. sad times. He does not see you as an equal. He is controlling you .

my ex was like this… I spent all my time second guessing when to talk about things. I used to have to keep lists of things that needed discussion. Ridiculous.

Sounds tedious and confusing.

How did you manage to get married and have kids?

Is it that he doesn't want to do the things you're suggesting so being awkward about it? What happens when it's something he wants?

Is he usually doing something like scrolling on his phone/reading something etc? Is it a case of he doesn’t want to be interrupted?
If it’s deep heavy subjects you’re wanting to discuss then I can kind of understand him wanting to schedule a time, instead of when he’s trying to enjoy his cup of tea but if it’s nice things then it’s weird!

So you aren’t allowed to talk about things at the drop of a hat and it has to be scheduled.

But also you try to plan things too far in advance.

What exactly is just the right amount of planning according to His Lordship? He sounds like a petulant arse to me.

If he doesn't cope with it, he doesn't cope with it. Having a diagnosis of ND wouldn't make it more or less OK.

It's something you just have to accept.

However, he doesn't get to dictate the timeline in which you do all planning. You're the one doing it, and because you're effectively having to make an appointment to discuss these things, he does that on your timeline. If you want to plan years in advance, that's for you to decide. He doesn't get to complain he's not doing the work/admin

I'm a bit like your DH, although I really try my best not to. My brain is constantly busy and buzzing, going 100 miles an hour, thinking of all the things on all of my to do lists all of the time. When my partner starts a conversations that does require headspace and planning and big decisions, I feel really overwhelmed really quickly, specially if the kids are around and/or I'm in the middle of doing something. However I try not to get cross and calmly ask if we can talk about it at a better time, and plan for it later that day or week. I try my best, but I can't help it. If I'm already overwhelmed and my partner starts a conversation like that or ask for a decision to be made quickly, I just shut down and completely reject the decision making or the conversation, it's just too much to handle. It can come across as childish, but I really feel so overwhelmed by it that I just feel like I'm crumbling under the weight of all the decisions and tasks to do at all times. 😪

Edited to add: I'm not ND, not diagnosed anyway

Having a diagnosis of ND wouldn't make it more or less OK.

Well I beg to differ in that if he was doing this because he was ND it would mean it is not something being done deliberately to be obstructive.

But I agree even if he were doing it because he was ND it is still a difficult behaviour to cope with.

My DH can be a bit like this. When he has time to sit down and rest he doesn't always want to talk about things that need discussion or planning. He wants to make small talk or to switch off.

He works a full on stressful job where he is constantly on zoom calls and spends his whole day 'thinking' and sometimes when in conversation with me he just doesn't want to have to 'think' too much.

So if we need to talk about something that is going to require him to think and plan then I will just say 'when is a good time for us to chat about our upcoming break?' and then he will tell me.

I fully understand and respect this need. We all need time to switch off our brains, especially if they have been whirring all day with other stuff.

My dad does this - ‘oh let’s talk about it nearer the time’ when I try to arrange dates for a visit. It’s a way of avoiding commitment/connection for him - maybe similar with your DH.

I’m long over chasing these kinds of avoidant people, but appreciate it’s difficult when it’s your DH. No suggestions, sorry, except to keep an eye on whether this really works for you and whether he’s up for conversation about how it affects you - if he’s not, there’s no relationship to speak of.

It kind of sounds like he’s checked out - he just doesn’t seem interested in doing these things. How is he when you do manage time away on holiday? Is he present? Or does he seem uninterested then too?

Tbf, y ex used to always want to plan stuff it felt like we could never just enjoy anything even simple stuff because we always had to be planning the next thing I found it very tiresome.