Unexpected online friendship, do I need to stop?

[WhatKindOfForkeryIsThis]

So this is going to sound bonkers. For context I’m 52, together with DH for 20 years, married for 15, DS 16 & 14 who are the light of my life. I’ve always had a busy brain and suspect some kind of ADD; now I’m also menopausal and don’t sleep much. DH was diagnosed with ASD about 10 years ago after a couple of debilitating anxiety attacks. I was blindsided by the diagnosis - he’s kind, funny, loyal and for the most part easy to live with. We do however lead a very quiet life.

Last summer after a couple of years of listening to DS14 going on about forking and skewering and pestering me to sign up to chess.com I finally caved. For a while I did puzzles and played the bots and then t took the plunge and started playing “strangers on the internet”. This was a big deal for me as I don’t really do social media, and especially not private/1-on-1 things. Chess.com matches you with randomers and mostly I just play them once and move on, but sometimes people request a rematch and you find you’re well-matched in terms of ability and/or playing style. I’ve picked up a few regular opponents like this. One of these started using the chat function to make a few comments on the game and I replied, warily and out of politeness, and since then it’s gradually developed into a fairly intense online conversation, with rarely a day without a message. It’s all innocent and mostly lighthearted - probably 60% is chess-related, there’s a chunk about language (he’s Dutch and more used to American English), another chunk of “cultural learnings” and then some personal stuff. A bit of teasing and a fair few smiling/laughing/winking emojis. I have no idea if this guy’s getting anything else out of our interactions, quite possibly not. He seems straightforward, married, 3 DC, ten years younger than me, practising Christian, works in IT. I was suspicious at first because I let DS choose a username for me which identifies me as female, and that’s fairly unusual for the site, but there’s been nothing inappropriate. We only mention spouses or family if it’s relevant to something else.

However I have become emotionally overinvested. It takes up a lot of my mental bandwidth and I can almost feel the dopamine rush when I see a move or message - I think the ADD is a factor here. (The game itself gives me a hyper-focus like very little else.) Describing my life to a stranger has also made me question things that I probably wouldn’t have questioned otherwise. Mostly my professional career - I’m over-specialised in something that is supposed to be vocational but the ADD plus general lack of confidence make it hard work for me. But also my life with DH, in a way that has never happened before. Added to this, the quantity of the messages feels disloyal and also the fact that they tend to be concentrated in the margins of the day when DH is asleep, and which have always been my private time, even before menopause.

So I come onto MN and read that messaging married men multiple times a day is really Not On, and also about limerent crushes, which is definitely a possibility here. I have been trying to limit the amount of attention I give it (including a couple of times when I asked for, and got, a break of a week or two) but I can still feel withdrawal if he goes quiet without explanation. I was hoping that the intensity would naturally fade with time and then I can keep an uncomplicated friendship, and I think it may yet do, but it’s going to take a while. So perhaps the sticking-plaster approach would be better overall?

(thanks for reading - longer than I expected…)

All I can say is that I've been on the other side and didn't like it one bit. My (ex) husband got more and more obsessed with online chess, to the extent that he'd be up doing it most of the night, leaving me go to bed alone. Everything got neglected because he was "just" doing his moves. He got into exchanging messages with multiple women while I was asleep and eventually, as his behaviour around his phone started to change when I was around, I discovered he was cheating (and before anyone accuses me of snooping, I asked if I could look at his phone - his error was that he'd not emptied his deleted messages). I kicked him out there and then.

If you don't want to ruin your marriage, OP, tread very carefully. I believe these days that there are options you can set on your phone/PC to limit screen time or limit access to certain apps.

Just because you’re enjoying speaking to this person doesn’t mean you’re in love or they’re “the one” etc, It just sounds like you’re craving connection or socialisation in life.

I would maybe focus on trying to find something in real life that you can do. Join a local group, gym, walking club, etc and try and fill that void with real life people.

Reading what you’ve actually done, the type of messages etc - I don’t think you’ve done anything ‘wrong’. On the face of it, it seems pretty innocent.

The bit that would worry me, and makes it sound more like an EA, are the feelings you’re having towards him.

what you need to remember is that it’s not real. You don’t even know what’s each other look like (or if he even is who he says he is).

i think if you put an end to it now (and yes id rip off the plaster) then you can have a clear conscience going forward.

IMO there’s nothing wrong with small talk/politer messages with a stranger in the situation you describe. However if you’re starting to get feelings it crosses the line and is no longer innocent

It's probably limerance.

Once you understand limerence ymthen you can detach yourself more easily

Do you ever talk about things like Dutch news stories or happenings, places of interest or sporting teams etc. As saying you are from Holland/Finland/Sweden is a classic Nigerian catfish tactic.

My dh plays online chess pretty much every night. If I found out he was conversing with a Dutch woman about his job issues and our children etc I would see that as infidelity. It’s an emotional affair.

Honestly whilenit might be hard - You should go cold turkey and stop this now.

You chatting to a Dutch guy about language, chess and cultural stuff sounds perfectly harmless to me, though I agree with pps that it suggests a lack of connection with others in your life, and that it might help to find ways of connecting with RL people.

Just delete your account, OP. Find a real life chess club or another hobby that you enjoy. You are risking too much for what is essentially a completely meaningless interaction with a stranger.

I agree you should find a real chess club. I don't think you are likely to fall for anyone there. I think it is just that your brain is making up rose tinted fantasies about what this anonymous stranger might be like. He's probably leaving his partner looking after the kids and home while he is sitting with his face in his computer. Not such a great catch really.

It's non-sexual, words on a screen with someone you'll never meet... it's not cheating. You could have the same kind of confiding friendship with a woman. Even having a crush isn't cheating.

It might however be very upsetting for your husband to feel you're talking about him in a negative light with another person, it's a betrayal of sorts. He might also feel insecure that you have a crush on this person. If you know either of those things are true and you are continuing to do them knowing it would hurt him then you should probably stop.

Try to unpick what unmet need this friendship is satisfying and how else you might meet this need.

Fade out your Dutch guy, tell him you are cutting down on screen time/ taking a break for the summer. Make a new chess account with a different androgynous name so you can still enjoy the game if you feel like you don't want to give that up.

I think this chatting is probably waking you up to things you need, feelings you haven’t been admitting to etc - casting light on things inside you that you probably need to acknowledge and give more regular attention to within yourself.

Disconnecting from the online thing and keeping a track of when you feel the pull or like you miss ‘him’ (if he’s even a him!), what you’re really hoping or wishing for, how you feel about not getting that etc might help you grieve/let go of the limerence-type feelings and work out what you really want/need in real life.

Sounds harmless enough I suppose but really what you need to think is how you would feel if it was your husband doing this and not you.

if you feel you get something from it, i.e. the chess playing games, et cetera would it be worth considering deleting your current account and returning with a username that doesn’t identify you as a female or perhaps it would be better if you found a real life place to play chess or if that doesn’t allow another site.

I had a similar experience a couple of years ago on a different paired gaming app. DP and I were going through a rough spell and online gaming became a distraction from the tension at home. I became drawn into the chat function and ended up spending far too much time online once I realised you could match with and chat to real players. Many were catfishers, which was obvious, but I spoke to genuine people too. So I fully get what you mean about the dopamine hit and enjoying the attention/conversation that's lacking at home.

However, let me share my experience with you as a warning. I formed a friendship with one person in particular who became like my online counsellor, and I found myself offloading onto them (and they onto me). They then began indicating in their messages that they were developing romantic feelings towards me (despite being old enough to be my parent) and started pushing to meet up IRL (despite both of us being married). At first I was flattered, although I didn't feel the same given the age gap, and I admit I enjoyed the attention. Ridiculous I know, because if in real life a much older person tried it on with me, I'd be disgusted and run a mile! But as PPs have said, it's not "real" online.

Anyway, I realised after a few weeks that I was being manipulated by this person to view my life and my marriage badly (don't get me wrong , there were issues to resolve, but this person was trying to convince me that the issues were unfixable). They became more and more intense, and I suddenly got this huge "ick" factor. I politely told them I would no longer be playing, that I needed to prioritise my real life over the virtual one. I then deleted my profile and deleted the game. It didn't automatically fix my marriage woes, but taking myself offline stopped tainting my perceptions of my real life, and now I'd go so far as to say my relationship is the best it's been in years. Worth noting that my DP did express when we were working through things later that they were hurt by how much time I was spending online - your husband will start to notice and may eventually become concerned about it.

My advice is to stop playing completely. Cut it off before it gets more intense, delete the app and find a real-life chess club to play in. Or maybe start playing with your husband and reconnect with him that way. Although the messages you're exchanging now are innocent, it's a slippery slope, and you're already showing signs of becoming too drawn into the online world based on the feelings you've described. And it's honestly not worth jeopardising your real life for an online fantasy world.

The same thing happened to me - and unfortunately I did go as far as meeting my online friend.

Now he’s gone out of my life, my real life is so much better and I’m happier than I’ve been in years, although it took over 6 months to get over what happened with the man I met online.

I would just stop OP. Stop playing and talking to him. It will take months to stop thinking about him but it will go away.

It sounds to me, as though there is something majorly missing from your relationship with your DH. Otherwise you wouldn't be investing in chat with another man like this. Do you want to address that? I would say you either need to work on fixing your relationship with your DH, or think about going your separate ways. This other guy is someone you'll never meet, but he has been the catalyst to help you realise that there's something missing in your real life. What you do with that realisation is up to you, and whether you still feel any connection (worth saving) with your DH. Do you do stuff together? Holidays? Date nights?

A friend of a friend has her husband leave her for a woman who lives in Australia that he met playing words with friends!! They flew out to meet each other in South Africa in person then told both spouses it was over

Thanks everyone for wise words and sharing experiences. You’ve been kinder than I was expecting but it’s the advice I needed to hear. I’ll stop, and try and embrace the peace.

I have had inappropriate RL crushes before, though not for a while now. I’ve noticed an element of wanting to actually be the object-person, not just be with them. So maybe I’m actually hankering after being 42 again, and living in a more egalitarian country with good cycling infrastructure?

DH’s autism probably needs a thread of its own, but I do feel that the diagnosis gave him an excuse to not even try certain things
any more, and I resent that slightly. We don’t do much couple stuff at the moment because of work and parenting but this will change when DS are both at university. I have been worrying about the empty nest - I’ll miss the boys hugely- but maybe it could also be an opportunity.

My friends are happily married from meeting on online chess, they've been married for about 10 years now and are a great couple. So don't dismiss that this can definitely spark a relationship

To the fact you need to ask says it all, if it was purley innocent you would not need to question it, you like the attention so either stop or carry on

but thinking deeply what is that voice inside you saying?

It does sound like hormonal limerence. It's very common.

I think it's OK to chat online but then I read your comment "However I have become emotionally overinvested..."

Perhaps consider a slow withdrawal of the amount of contact, you can still maintain contact but limit it to say once a week. It's only a chat and you are unlikely ever to meet realistically.

This is an emotional affair because you are developing feelings ,including the dopamine hit . I think you know it . Go cold turkey and forget it .