Going through my first break up

[OutOfTheOrdinary]

I've been with ex-dp since I was 18, we've been together for 8.5 years and have two small children, one who is autistic.

I've not been happy since even before I had DC1, about 2 years in I was going to leave, when I had DC1 I was making plans to leave with the help of my health visitor, when I had DC2 I made plans to leave and I just never did it because he's all I've ever known and its always just been me and him. I never had any friends or any kind of social life. He struggled a lot with his mental health and was very unhappy, we argued a lot and we never behaved like a couple who love each other, we didn't hold hands there was no affection etc and ultimately we are just very different people.

Anyway, I really worked on myself, made friends, built a life for myself and I had a talk with him a month ago and finally told him I wasn't happy, he asked for a chance to try and do better and for the last month he's been a totally different person but the feelings just haven't come back so I finally told him yesterday that I wanted to end things

He took it as best as I could have possibly hoped for, told me I deserved to be happy and not to feel guilty etc and that he feels a huge sense of relief knowing what's wrong now as I've been off with him for a while. He doesn't know what to do about the children and living situation but said we can figure it out in time. He's been so kind.

I know in my heart this was the right thing to do, all my friends and family and have been telling me for years to do it so why do I feel so guilty? This is my first break up and I've not stopped crying all night, I've hardly slept, I don't know what I'm feeling I just feel awful. I've got to go to work today too and my eyes are so puffy.

Any advice please?

Only that it does get better. It's hard because not only are you now facing the unknown but also you do hold guilt for being the one who said those words.

Try and think of small things to look forward to. Whether that is arranging coffee with friends or activities with the kids.
Eventually you will find a routine that works and your kids will be fine if you are able to keep the arguments etc away from them.
And there will be some, you are about to head into difficult times as you try to detach your lives from each other.

Its been over 2 years since I had to tell my husband that our marriage was over and saying those words were the most horrific thing I have ever had to do. We'd been together for almost 17 years and had 2 children.
We now live in separate homes and our kids are doing brilliantly. Yes, we still have gripes at each other sometimes as we don't do things the same way anymore and he doesn't have to care about how things impact me, only the kids. But my life is much happier than it was before even though I still cry sometimes.