I received a message from my ex from years ago, only to find out he's now died.

[Goingforalaydown]

A bit of a strange one.

When I was a teenager (I am now mid 30s) I dated a nice guy for about 3 years, we broke up and it was teenage heart break but I wasn't ready for any commitment. We vaguely stayed in contact for a few years then because of life stage changes etc drifted apart.

Around 2 or 3 years ago, so I guess 22 or 23 I decided to delete my Facebook account. I don't use social media so it looked inactive anyway. As I went to check a few things I found a folder in my message section called something like 'messages from people not on your friends list' or something similar.

In it was a message from this man, he sounded like his same old self. He was asking how I was, what was happening in my life and various other things. I thought it odd but sent a reply saying that I was great etc but that I was actually logged on to delete my account and only use found the message. Wished him well then proceeded to delete the account. I can't remember precisely what he said or I said.

Fast forward to more recently and I remade Facebook a few months ago, mostly for marketplace. I happened across his sisters profile and this lead to realised he has died. I look on Google and find the obituary. 2021, some type of cancer. He would have been about 34.

I realise that he sent the message before he died and I sent my reply after he died.

I don't know why but this has got to me, I suppose I'll never know what he wanted to say. Or if he needed something from me. And I wonder if he died wondering why I didn't respond to him.

His illness was not made public so I had no idea he was ever unwell. And obviously I never saw the message or I would have replied.

Then I think, perhaps it's a blessing that I didn't, as he had a wife and children and I wouldn't want to have put myself in the way if that makes sense, I can't imagine contacting your ex when terminally ill is the done thing. I don't know.

Anyway it's just made me feel odd, and I can never ask anything.

I suppose it must feel 'undone' not ever knowing what he really wanted. I'm sorry, he was young and presumably your first love. hopefully you can move past it. he probably was just feeling sentimental knowing he was nearing his end.

wishing you well my love, must be hard. sorry

Perhaps he was trying to reconnect or perhaps he was just checking in with you to let you know he was ill. Unfortunately you will never know.

In my limited experience of being with someone who is terminally ill, I think it's quite normal to reminisce and try to reconnect with old friends or even to try to make amends.

You can only have the knowledge that you did not intentionally not reply - you did not know the message existed.

Perhaps an option is to add a message onto his online obituary saying how you have just learnt about his passing?

It has obviously been a shock to you and all you can do now is remember the good memories you've shared. He must have been a nice guy for you to feel like this and post about him.

It's amazing how some people touch so many lives and don't realise it.

It’s just sad isn’t it, I would feel the same. Knowing that you replied to a ghost, that it was sat in a forgotten inbox for years, the passage of time and someone from our past dying young.
Not the same but I was looking through old fb messages once and clicking on the profiles of the people to see what they are upto now, and a few had died years before. It was a sad eerie feeling

He was probably looking to have a final chat, I don’t think there’s anything dishonest (to his wife etc) about it; he was dying and probably looking back over people that had once been significant in his life and wanting some closure. I would consider that perfectly normal. It’s a shame you missed his message, I would be a bit upset too.

That's sad OP but don't feel guilty. He wasn't important enough for you to want to keep in contact and that shouldn't be any different because he died.

I would think this.
He was probably reflecting of his past and people he remembered fondly.

I would take it that he thought very well of you and that was his motivation.

Very sad though for him and his family.

Mind yourself, it is really perfectly normal to feel a surprisingly sharp grief for people when this happens.

Strange though that may seem if we haven't even thought of them for years.
It's the nice memories that we attach to them of a simpler time that brings a bittersweet sadness.

I think he was probably doing a closure type reaching out - and very likely sent this type of message to many people from his past.

I’m sure he would have liked to hear back from you, but probably heard from others and, as you say, he had a wife and children.
It sounds as though you ended things on amicable terms so I wouldn’t stress. There was nothing that really needed saying.

Depending on how long before he died he sent the message ,he might have wanted to reflect on younger times. But if he didnt know he was ill, he might just have been prompted to chat .I had a an ex pop up as a people you might know suggestion ,it could have been something like that .

It’s a shame you weren’t able to speak before he died but I think he probably had more important things on his mind

I would send his window a nice message if it were me and explain you’ve only just found out