If you started a new relationship after having kids when did your DP begin sleeping over, if at all?

[onewayoryourmother]

Hi all, DP and I have been together year after meeting when we were both n final stages of divorce.

i have my kids all the time and he has his 50/50 so its very rare we get a sleepover together as we dont sleep over when either of us have the kids.

Combined DC are age 13-16 (four of them) we have met each others kids and get along, our kids have also met each other for some days out and got along.

Neither DP or I want to blend the families, in five years all the kids will be adults and we mutually agree that our focus is on us maintaining separate homes until then and not turning DC lives upside down further.

Currently DP comes here maybe once a week then goes home round 11 - often he’s then back in the morning as we’re doing a lot of DIY at mine.

i still feel awkward at the idea of him staying over but I don’t know if I need to? Oldest (16, 17 in a few months) says she doesn’t mind him staying over AS LONG AS YOU DON’T have sex (she’s autistic and very blunt). Youngest doesn’t really mind.

im mindful that their Dad was and angry and difficult man and whilst DP is the opposite I still feel protective of my girls’s space.

But at some point I’m thinking it might be ok for him to sleep over. Or would it not? My kids are 14 and 16, both girls. My bedroom has an en suite so there would be no bathroom sharing. Am I being selfish to consider him sleeping over now and again?

It was fairly easy for us as all our 6 young DC got on ( ages 6, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12) and constantly begged for sleep overs. After about a year, we had regular sleep overs until partner moved in 3 years after meeting. 23 years on they are all pretty close.

Thank you Mamisled, that’s good to know.

I’m happy our DC get along and that my girls like DP. I think I had an unconscious bias that a new relationship after divorce could only ever be harmful for the kids but I can see now that - as long as it’s led by the kids - that isn’t automatically the case.

Just wondered if anyone else had any thoughts?

Been with DP 3 years, I have mine 50 50 and him EOW, so we do have evenings kid free, but he has slept over since probably 8 months in, but infrequently. We won't move in together until my oldest is at university in 2 years.

My kids are ok with it, we have a don't ask don't tell policy re sex 🤣

Let the kids lead it. If they're happy about sleep overs then let them know that if they want to change that at any point, they can but it sounds like they're more than happy. Keep dedicated time for them and make sure they know that they still maintain control over their home environment

Blended families can be amazing. I'm lucky enough that the kids in ours call each other step siblings ( something we've never said) and they're now young adults that text each other and go out independently of us as parents. We just took our time and let the kids control the stages and it worked really well

I think many situations are ok and it’s all down to how you handle it, and being transparent. I’m a lone mum (no involvement from their dad) to tween girls. I left it six months before introducing them to my boyfriend and now he stays over. I just frame it like my version of a playdate really — this is my friend who is staying. They like him and I think they know I love him, but he is not in the core unit and never will be. It’s like they have ‘best friends’ at school and he’s my best friend.

We had a long chat a few years ago where we agreed never to have a stepdad, never to have a man living with us, so they are not in doubt it could become anything of that sort. As a result they are more sanguine about all this.

Six months after I started seeing him i mean, not since the divorce!

Thanks everyone. You’re confirming my thoughts that letting them lead is the way forward.

I’d love it if the kids got on as adults like some posters are describing here, and meant something to one another but that’s not for me to dictated.

They all know that living together is not on the cards which I do think makes it more relax. My youngest has SEND and is home schooled and needs a lot of support.

2026 will be exam years for my kids, then 2027 for his oldest, 2028 for his youngest then 2029 and 2030 for his again.

They all need the stability of their own homes and that’s what they’ll have. It’s nice to think of a future living together after that, though.