Got myself in a bit of a situation with social media group and someone's feelings for me

[Arniesaxe]

I'm a gay female, 40s.
Since breaking up with my partner I've got back in touch with an ex and we've met up and had sex. Very casual, which suits us both. We plan to meet up again soon.

I've followed another gay female on social media for years, nothing serious just lighthearted posts that I found amusing, but we also agree on a lot of political and feminist issues and have conversed about that. Although we haven't met, I'd say we're friends.

Recently she told me she has a group, mostly women she knows in real life, that have a WhatsApp group just for chit chat, but that depending on work and other things they try to 'meet' (video call) a few mornings and a few evenings a week, and just whenever there's a few of them with free time they'll have a call in the group. Most women on it know one another in real life and live close to one another but she'd decided to open it up to others that she knows and likes. She asked if I'd like to join it.

I've joined. And It's quite nice actually. I split with a partner a few months ago and I've quite liked just having people to chat to while I do morning chores of a weekend, and on an evening It's nice to speak to people just about how our days have been. It's very lighthearted, the woman who started the group has a rule for no heavy topics, we want to keep this as a fun social thing. I also like that there's no pressure-if someone can't make a group call or is quiet for a bit that's fine. This suits me, I haven't had a great last couple of years and sometimes I've just not felt like it and have said so and nobody has minded.

I've been in the group about 6 weeks now.

On the very first group call I was in I obviously introduced myself and I mentioned that I was seeing someone casually and that I'd just come out of a long relationship.

Anyway, one woman in the group mesgd me privately not long after I joined, just asking how I were.

A week or so later she asked could she call me for a chat-she did. We get along well, I like her.

One evening we had a group call while I was on my way out for a few drinks with friends, so I was dressed up, whereas usually on the group I am in lounging about clothes or sports wear. this woman sent me a msg with emoticons indicating 'hot' and 'eyeballs' etc. I asked what she meant and she said I looked nice. I thanked her.

Another time, she did the same thing when a similar situation happened.

She's also messaged asking if I am okay, privately several times when I've mentioned something in the group-as I've said, no heavy topics but I have mentioned things going wrong (hard to think of examples but once I said I wasn't feeling so well that day, another time I saw something not nice on a morning run and told the group on the morning call), she becomes concerned about me.

Sometime later she asked could she take me for a coffee date, I thanked her for asking but also politely said I wasn't ready for anything like that. She said 'even as friends', I left it.

Since then she mentioned in the group that she was going out for drinks and later on that night asked me if I'd let her take me out. To be fair, she apoligised for this the next morning saying 'dutch courage' had made her do it.

A few days ago she messaged me saying how cute my dog was and had I had her since a puppy? I sent her a photo of my dog as a pup to which she replied something like 'lovely just like you'.

I tried to laugh it off but then she continued and said that she worried in group calls as others could tell she was looking at me.

I replied saying that she was attractive too but I am just not in that place, I don't want anything relationship-wise. She's responded 'I don't even know if I do but surely we could just go out and have fun'.

I'm worried. She's best friends with the woman who set up the group.

I do see this woman as a friend especially now, and I just feel like this could end in a mess. I have tried to tell her no to a date. She's still persisting. I also really like her, much as I can't possibly know her well yet she's kind and funny and seems like a nice, genuine person. I don't want to hurt her and I certainly don't want bad relations within the group.

I guess I am just going to have to tell her no, more firmly?

I have had it before where I've seen someone casually and they've developed feelings for me and I have hurt them, I really don't want that. I could see it ending badly for the friendship group and perhaps the woman who runs the group would then hate me for hurting her best friend. I want to just keep it as friendly, nothing else.

FWIW my last relationship was abusive and dysfunctional toward the end and I'm just not in the place for a new relationship-which although she's said otherwise, I do believe is what she wants. She seems to really like me hence the compliments and concerns if I am okay when something bad has happened. I don't think something casual would work-maybe if I explain this to her? But then I have a feeling she'll just dismiss it.

Apologies, this sentence-'I do see this woman as a friend especially now' refers to the one who invited me to the group.

I have also been off work for two weeks and when I am back I won't have as much time to join group calls or be as active in responding, so perhaps this will help me gradually dwindle contact, maybe?

Say you did get together and it goes wrong. You’ll
have lost the whole group. She needs to
listen to your concerns and back off.

I think that if she was a man you might be more inclined to see it for the unwanted borderline harassment that it is.

You need to be clear in case she struggles with your nice replies. Something like,
"Sorry if I've misread messages, but I wanted to let you know my feelings. You are a nice person, but I don't feel attracted to you in a romantic way and will not be interested in a romantic relationship. I do not want to lead you into believing otherwise or cause confusion."

I do feel that way, as a newcomer and with them mostly all knowing one another in their 'real life', I am grateful to be included and certainly dont want to get anyone's back up or upset anyone.

This woman who is doing this has actually said to me 'I haven't even told X (woman who runs the group, and her best friend) about me fancying you!'

I kind of wish she would! As I think she'd share my concerns and would probably see what I was trying to say.

I thought I kind of had. I mean I could be totally wrong and she just wants to meet for drinks/sex! I just know how badly these things can end

I might ask her for a chat and try to make myself clearer. I don't want to come over as all heavy and serious either though...

Another reason it wouldn't work is she lives a good hour and a half from me.

@Arniesaxe - her behaviour is out of order. You’ve made it absolutely clear you’re not interested but she’s refusing to take no for an answer. That wouldn’t be okay in a man and it’s not okay in a woman. As to what you do about it - that’s very tricky. @Enough4me’s message is a good suggestion but unless she cools it, unfortunately it looks like you may have to back away from the group which is a shame.

From what you’ve said, I don’t know why you’re saying she is a nice person. She’s harassing you and sounds creepy as fuck.

Yes when I am back at work I won't be able join many morning calls. I work flexible hours but a lot of them work shifts so ring when they get in from night ones, early in the morning and I won't be available, so there is that. And I'll have overall less time-so this will be a natural backing off from me.
I was thinking 'this is nice, a happy little circle for chatting' as I live alone and don't see a lot of people. But spanner in the works now! I thought I'd made it clear, but she's obviously enamored with me, from what I know she's a divorcee who has been single for a few years. I don't want to hurt her and I didn't like sending those messages turning her dates down but I did it. I'll do it again.

She just seems very sweet and kind to everyone in the group, obviously loves her family and friends and works in a very care-focused setting. Was very welcoming to me. But I know what you mean.

This is why I kind of wish she'd tell her close friend who 'runs' the group! She's very no-nonsense and if she told her my replies to her messages I think she'd say something like 'Back off mate, she's said no!'

You’ve said no but maybe theres been a mixed message somehow. You may need to keep saying : No thanks I really don’t want to. Please don’t contact me personally, we can be friends in the group but no more.
Then don’t reply to any more individual messages.

Thank you for the responses everyone. I admit that I find this sort of thing difficult to navigate, and was half expecting responses saying that I should fully be able to handle this alone, as a grown up! For some reason I just haven't developed the approach correctly.

Just say you aren’t interested in that way and don’t want to meet up. And then you need to stop taking her calls and responding to messages outside the group. Healthy boundaries, end of.

It sounds like you really value this group so I wouldn’t do anything to mess up the dynamics of that.

So I think she should have dropped it after you declined. But as she didn't, I think if this comes up again you'll need to be pretty clear. Being generous maybe she has taken "I'm not ready for a relationship" at face value and is thinking you may shortly be in a place to date. I think you may need to say something like "we're not a romantic match", if you know what I mean. Make it clear that regardless of timings you're not into her.

I think you were I’ll just have to hero reiterating that you are not interested so please stop sending the invites and compliments.

Yes, you’re being too nice.
They asked.
You said ‘No’ and they just won’t leave you alone.
None of this is very healthy.
Id start giving her a wide birth/ un answering messages
( of course then you’ll get - ‘are you avoiding me’ )

This whole scenario is weird to me. You’ve never met any of these people, even the organiser whom you describe as a friend purely on the basis of agreeing with her views on SM, and she’s added you to a group of her RL friends who videocall several times a week — that’s quite a strange scenario even before we get to the fact that one of them is continually harassing you for a date. I think you sound quite vulnerable, just out of an abusive relationship, and as if this whole set up isn’t doing you any good, if you’re worried about being ostracised by the group or dealing with the anger of the ‘organiser’ if you turn down this woman more sharply.

Bluntly, OP, these people are all but strangers to you. The one you consider a ‘friend’ you’ve never met! Don’t become too dependent on this set up, or let it modify your behaviour towards someone who is sexually harassing you.