Some of you might remember me from a few months back, the woman who found out my partner was into crossdressing. I found out myself while he was away in a hotel, via his search history which included a bid on Ebay on stripper heels, links to self bondage and sissy porn.
So, he swore to me he would never do it again. Which I genuinely believe he hasn't as he has had no time alone except for work within this time. However he continued to play it down, any time I brought it up. When quizzed about the heels for example, he stated that he bid on a pair because he saw them in a porn video and wanted to try them.
Part of me knew all of these denials, mimimisations were likely to be untrue so I have not stopped digging since. I have driven myself to the brink of insanity in an attempt to get to the bottom of it. And I now have.
I asked to see his ebay purchase history 3 days ago, he wouldn't let me have his phone. At this point obviously we all know there is more to hide. I eventually got him to hand it to me as I threatened the relationship would be over if he didn't. Well. 6 years worth of womens shoes, latex dresses, skirts, socks, gloves, straps, harnesses, chains, the lot. He continued to downplay it saying he has no desire to dress as a woman. I countered this by saying your purchase history says otherwise.
Thinking that must be the worst of it, I asked him to explain everything to me. Why he bought the clothes, why he lied etc. Good, open conversation ensued, with him eventually saying that he wants to make it work and so will be transparent and offer up some information. Showed me Amazon purchase history, he had ordered suspenders, stockings, a set of Pleaser ballet boots and a maids outfit. I looked at the date of the order and it turned out to be a weekday he was working, so completely sober. His story about only wanting to do it whilst using Cocaine no longer has legs.
He continued to insist none of it was sexual. I told him that if I find out it is, we are over. He insisted. Yesterday after having pretty much a breakdown he eventually gave me the truth- whenever we argue he feels disgusted and ashamed of himself, takes himself off to sniff, dress and bond himself up. He fantasised about me doing this to him, by the sounds of it, keeping him locked up in a cock cage and made to beg for my affections and interest again. To humiliate him further by dressing him up as a woman, binding him up in a degrading position and punishing him, verbally degrading him etc. Leading to pegging him whilst verbally abusing him. So, a forced feminisation, humiliation fetish.
I am livid. I have kicked him out and he has gone to stay with his Mum. The lies these men will tell to downplay their fetishes, the denial, the blame shifting, the gas lighting is astounding. I have literally been driven mental, panic attacks, headaches, TMJ from the stress, unable to function some days.
He's gone now and I feel like a weight has lifted. He keeps messaging begging for me to understand why he lied, kept it secret and minimised and begging for another chance. I know longer care. For the first time in a month I slept like a baby and woke up feeling at peace. I have a party later so will go and het a nice change of hairstyle and work on feeling better about myself as I have neglected myself within this time.
Thanks for reading and thank you all so much for your original support. I read them all through with a fine tooth comb and really took on board the advice. Unfortunately I am the stubborn type that needs to find proof and get to the truth myself.