Communication issues whilst abroad and google maps location. WWYD?

[Quaintlemon]

Me and DP are 40's / 50's so not young!.... Been together 15 months and things have been great between us. He's a great communicator generally, we text throughout the day and usually have a phone call during our lunch breaks, apart from when he goes abroad with his friends, 3 times per year. These trips are 4 to 5 days and involve sport of some kind but they are predominantly day and evening drinking. He drinks in moderation at home with the odd blow out (3 times in 15 months) where I have seen the state he can get in from alcohol and has needed support to get home.

On these trips he often ends up needing to be taken back to the hotel due to excess alcohol. During the first 2 trips he went on whilst we were together, we tried to speak daily but he either missed the call or was too distracted to engage. So we agreed that all I need when he's away is a quick text when he gets back to the hotel at the end of the night to let me know he's back safe. This stops me worrying. He also temporarily puts on his phone locator on google maps, his choice, so that I can see if he's back at the hotel.

He's away this week and I've just got apology texts each morning to say he was not able to text when back at the hotel due to falling asleep. I've been frustrated by this as he knows I worry but equally I am expecting a text at a time where he's least likely to be able to due to being drunk.

I'd not heard from him as I was going to bed last night so looked at his location. Picture attached. I am not 100% sure how accurate these locator things are but he was showing as in a massage place and this, from looking into, does offer sexual services. I decided to ring him rather than stress over it and he did not reply. He then text 20 minutes later with the goodnight text (although he was not back at the hotel), I rang him whilst he was still on line on whatsapp and he did not answer so asked him to ring. He did so 30 minutes later and told me they have been to restaurant X and were now in X bar and not back at the hotel (he said he'd done the text early thinking I would be asleep and not see it until morning, so not to worry me....) It was super quiet, not noisy at all in the background. I left it there and let him get on with his night.

He knows I would potentially be able to see where he was so it would not make sense to do something that risky, nor it is consistent with anything I know about him, but maybe I don't know him as well as thought? It's really thrown me, I feel paranoid and doubting my judgement this morning.

The bar where he said he was is crossed it out in red and the massage place is the blue roof, plus his location on google maps crossed out in green. He was showing as here for around 45 minutes.

What do you think? Some non-emotional perspective would be gratefully received.

It’s usually accurate to 5 meters plus/minus a bit, as it uses GPS. But in urban areas with tall buildings it can be hit and miss, as it’ll resort to mobile / WiFi connections to estimate location if it can’t get a good GPS signal. Likewise if you are in a built up area and then go inside a big building in a built up area it won’t necessarily be that accurate as it’ll know roughly where you entered the but will guesstimate your location after a while. But, you’re asking for a reason. Is there another a reason you wouldn’t trust him?

Is that accurate though? I remember when my son lost his air pods it was picking up a nearby location where he'd never been. Something to do with the signal. We went knocking on some random persons door and the air pods were at home. He'd been close to that road but about 50 metres away. If he cares enough to put it on and message regularly why would he go somewhere like that.

Goes away with the boys, gets so wrecked he has to be helped back to his hotel, drinks all day and night and is 50’s. Nope. I would bin. You agreed on boundaries with the text to let you know he’s back at the hotel and he can’t even manage that. So he has broken your very reasonable boundary.

He has these trips 3 times a year, that’s every 4 months and he has had 3 blow outs drinking at home in the 15 months you’ve met him. That’s every 5 months. So 9 months out of the last year or so, he has drinking blow outs on top of his moderate drinking the rest of the time. I think you’re in denial about his problem drinking.

You’ll never know if he was actually in either place or not because if he was in the massage parlour, he will never tell you. Get out now when you’re not too invested.

His drinking would be a huge concern and big, fat nope from me. You don't trust him. Listen to what your gut is telling you about him.

I wouldn't trust the map location. Dh and Ds have been travelling in the car together and they were wildly apart on the map. The map being inaccurate has happened lots where Dh was meant to be in the supermarket and it put him half a mile away in a house. He facetimed me from the supermarket to ask my opinion on something not knowing he was apparently elsewhere on the map. I wasn't checking up on him I was looking up a business and it said your Dh is in a house.

The binge drinking is the biggest concern I would have in all of this, especially considering his age and his inability to stop drinking to excess.

the fact you have to baby him, control him and check in on him all the time - because you don't trust him - is just such an enormous red flag.

I have young children and wouldn't require this level of checkin in if my husband was away - it's only justifiable if you think he is completely untrustworthy or has a drinking problem. In which case - nothing you can do at trhe end of a phone will change that.

Agree with @waterrat - grown ups shouldn't need to check in daily and you shouldn't need to be worrying about him while he's away for a few days with friends. If your worries are justified, then that's a bigger issue that won't be solved with texts, but people should be able to go away for a few days - and used to as a matter of course - without that level of contact being necessary.

For most men, what goes on tour stays on tour. So to speak. Almost all of them do it. Almost all of them would deny they did any such thing til the cows come home. Then they’d call you paranoid / unhinged for Even Asking. As if they’d do that to you.

The only question here is - are you prepared to put up with it.

He wasn’t in that bar when he rang because it was completely silent.

He said he was at the bar as it was the closest one to the massage parlour and he knew you could see his location.

That’s my conclusion.

He’s never going to admit it though. Unless you have some other proof like payments he made.

I don’t like the sound of these trips they sound just perfect for a few days of drinking and prostitutes.

If you decide to say nothing and stay, ensure regular STI tests.

Taxi!

Huge red flags re the drinking. For that alone I would end it.

DS and I check each other's location regularly on both SnapChat and WhatsApp and it often goes all over the place. My phone is 8 years old and location accuracy is up to 500 metres at times, so I really wouldnt see that as an issue.
The drinking however is. Regular 'moderate' drinking with regular binges indicates a serious problem with alcohol.

It isn’t rocket science, if you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has alcohol issues and does stupid shit when drunk, then don’t be in a relationship with someone who has alcohol issues who does stupid shit when drunk.

If Google Maps is your way of silencing your doubts about this man then this surely exposes the folly of that endeavour. You do not trust him, stop trying to find work arounds.

So you are probably my age, mid-40s, and no way would I be OK with a man who behaves like an immature 18 year old whenever he leaves the country. I can't think of anything more unattractive and I would have absolutely zero patience with a man like that. He won't ever grow up, he won't ever be respectful, he won't ever have hit shit together. I really think you need to aim higher.

I defintely don't trust him to get himself back to where ever he is staying when he's been drinking all day. Naively, it had not crossed my mind he, and perhaps others in the group, would be visiting sex workers. He left his 25 year marriage 2 and a bit years ago and the rest of the group on this trip all in their 50's, are all married. (It's a set group that do this trip each May).

My gut is telling me it's not right. It was the quietness and the way he specifically named the bar just sounded odd, as well as lying about being back at the hotel. I wonder if he just forgot he had the maps thing on until I rang as it's not something we usually do and obvs he was quite drunk.

I've also had multiple messages this morning telling he me loves me, sending me his fav pictures of us together, saying he's been looking through them etc, asking me about my bank holiday plans etc. I've asked him to turn off the locator and I'll leave him to it, we can talk when he gets back. I've wasted enough emotional energy not just on this situation but also the drinking and safety worries.

Thanks for the feedback and thoughts.

There is a big problem if you feel the need to keep tabs on him to this extent. It isn’t normal in a healthy, trusting relationship. I don’t think he’s the one for you/you for him. I would be furious if my partner was checking my location & googling it.

It might be accurate. Equally it could be like when mine said I was in the hairdressers when I was at Tesco 4 doors up.

I couldn’t be dealing with a man that has to drink like that whenever they are away. that would be an issue with me.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man where drink was so important to him and who thought at his age getting regularly legless was normal.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who went off on holidays with his pals to drink and party. I would assume women, either paid or unpaid, are also one of the attractions of these trips. The fact his friends are married is irrelevant for guys for whom this is a life style choice.

If this latest behaviour is a wake up.call for you OP then that is good.
And yes you should be getting your sexual health checked out.

I wouldn't be with a man who gets blind drunk so often either. Don't move in with him, I'm worried he'd be the type to vomit or wet the bed.

Sounds like he’s got a guilty conscience to me.

Why are you with him??