Divorce discussions with 6mth old baby at home

[onyxtulip]

Hoping for some different perspectives and perhaps others' lived experience.

Im a FTM with a 6mth old DD at home. Currently on maternity leave but going back to work part-time when daughter is 10mths.

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We've had various issues throughout our relationship but these have come to a head since having our DD.

One major issue is that our arguments often become verbally abusive. DH in particular can be quite misogynistic and elitist with his insults, which really gets to me. We both witnessed verbal abuse in our parents relationships growing up and therefore it seems "normal" under stress. I obviously don't want this to be normal for our DD.

Another issue is total lack of physical intimacy; the last time we had sex was to conceive our DD. This makes me sad and lonely at the prospect of a sexless life and I'm sure contributes to the conflict between us. I've been tempted to have an affair, really more for my self-esteem than anything, but ultimately I realised this wouldn't resolve anything. When I met my partner, he'd been a bachelor for a long time and had had lots of casual sex but he admits himself he doesn't equate sex with love and so perhaps his DW isn't appealing for him in this way. He also still resents me for a brief fling I had at the very beginning of our relationship, which I thought we had worked through. We are in our mid 30s and early 40s for context.

We are talking about divorce. We own a house together. I am very sad as I do love my DH and I know he loves me too. Despite our issues we have a lot in common from our sense of humour, political beliefs, family values, work etc. I still think he's the most intelligent and impressive human I've met (he had a very difficult childhood) and gorgeous too. He's also a great dad. I know he thinks similarly highly of me in many regards.

What would others do in this situation? Does anyone have experience of divorce in similar circumstances?

Sorry that this was so long! Thank you for reading.

Therapy might be cheaper than divorce.

If he's self-aware and willing to put some work in, to stop repeating the pattern of his parents and try to address his Madonna/whore type complex, then it might be worth a shot.

I'm talking about individual counselling or therapy rather than joint, though.

You think the man who is verbally abusive is the most impressive man you have met. The man who is verbally abusive with a child a home, this is emotional abuse of your child, is a great Dad.

You need support from a domestic abuse organisation.

I really do have to agree.

so touched to already have replies - this is the first time I've posted on MN, thank you hive mind

Marriage therapy and fast. You are both bringing your issues from the past into your lives today. You are also tired which makes it all worse. Take your baby or do it online - just find a way.

If he is verbally abusive to you, then he doesn't love you. You can't treat the person you love with misogynist, elitist contempt.

I think divorce is the right thing. So many of us have grown up in a household where there was violence and abuse. It never gets any better and it traumatizes you for life. You still have a chance to protect your daughter from this and give her a chance of a happier childhood than you had yourself.

Your husband ought to be ashamed of himself. If he experienced this as a child, why is he willing to inflict it on his own kid? Surely, he must remember how miserable it was to see his parents act like that and how helpless he must have felt when he was younger.

Thank you all guys - food for thought. I do think we'll try marriage counsellig, at least in the first instance