First love

[ByLimeAnt]

When I was 19 I met my boyfriend and we loved each other very much. It was clear he didn't want to settle down and I very much wanted a family when I was young. I knew another man through work and he showed an interest in me. I made the decision to leave my boyfriend and I got together with him instead. We married and had our sons who are the light of my life and for a long time my husband and I were happy and we have been together for 24 years.

But I still miss him. I still dream about him. If I hear our song I put my hand on my shoulder and squeeze it the way he used to. For a long time I kept his number in my phone and would put my finger on the call button knowing that I only had to press it.

I suppose I'm not asking for advice. But has anyone else experienced this situation? Will I never get over him?

The 19 old you is not the same and neither will he be the same. I would let him go because it might cloud what you have now with your husband.

You made your choice that having a family was more important than being with a guy who didn't want to settle down.

Now you want to have your cake and eat it too. It sounds like nostalgia and dreaming about the path not taken and the grass is greener. But it's a dream, not reality.

You have no idea what BF 1 is like now or if you would be compatible. You're fantasizing about what was decades ago, not what is now. Fantasizing about another man won't make you happy.

Um, er, thank you. And thank you for your kind and wise words BCBird

Have you cyber stalked him? Has he even turned out the way you imagine? He could be completely different now.

I think it’s normal to have feelings of “what if”, it’s when they hold you back from living the life you have that it becomes problematic.

are you happy in your relationship? Are you trying to fill a void that currently exists?

We are actually getting divorced. But the dreams and missing him never stopped.

I have an ex like that. I genuinely fell in love with him at first sight. I've never ever been able to get him out of my head.

But I do have a warning - I did get back in touch and it turned out what I thought was mutual was just my imagination. That hurt a lot more than my dreams did.

So you're wanting people to tell you that you should get back in touch with your ex now?

I'm unclear as to why you would say that?

As per my original post I said "has anyone else experienced this situation?".

It's been a lifetime since then. You're both different people now, you don't know who this person is any more, what they like, or even how they speak. It's easy to remember a care free 19 year old filled with energy and optimism, his whole life ahead of him. I see a lot of men (and women as well) lose that and become miserable, self absorbed, complainers. He will have baggage now, emotional and maybe physical, could be in debt, unsuccessful, drinks too much. He might have a family of his own, and even if he's single he could have kids etc.

He might be married to a beautiful woman who loves with all his heart, and it could be that you are just a vague memory and nothing more.

I wouldn't do it. I think it's a symptom of divorcing and trying to find somebody safe to replace ex husband.

You are romanticising the past OP. It’s easy to wistfully look back with rose tinted specs, but remember that the person that you knew no longer exists. They say that people change every 7 years. That’s a lot of change cycles since you last saw him. You were barely more than a child when you knew him and he will have a totally different life now. Nothing wrong with a happy memory, but leave him where he belongs - in your past.

I love my DH and our life together to death, and I don’t regret anything.

but I do still think about this one boy I had a crush on for three years in school occasionally, and have dreams about him. (He’s also married now.) He was always so funny and cool and just… nice to me, when most of the other boys I interacted with were so mean. ‘Course, once he found out about my crush he gently rejected me, saying I felt “more like a little sister” to him. (family zoned!!)

My DH’s psychologist says that everyone and everything in dreams are parts of you, disguised in symbolism. I tend to think of that boy as the kind and gentle part of me, the one that has good things to say about myself… So whenever I start thinking or dreaming about him, I introspect to see if I’ve been good to myself lately, or mean/too hard on myself, and try to give myself what I need.

What does this man mean for you, OP? Maybe just the concept of “young/first love?” It can be normal to miss that, without it really being about the guy. Maybe you wonder what your life would have been like if you stayed with him?

@MossLover's post is really interesting here. There are two past loves that I still think about, still think "what if." One was my first love and, actually, we were entirely unsuited and would have outgrown each other quite quickly, but it was beautiful, infatuating love for the years it lasted. And the second was my university love. I cheated on him and broke his heart, something I will never forgive myself for. I still dream about him, often dreams where I am trying to make right all I did wrong. For many years, I could not forgive myself for the hurt I caused him. Actually, we were well suited and may have made it work long-term. Thinking of my dreams of him as actually really about a part of me is interesting. I am not sure what part. He was a better person than I can ever hope to be.
I am sorry about your divorce @ByLimeAnt. This must be a time full of emotion and full of looking back and thinking of roads not taken.

Have you ever heard of the concept of the animus? It's from Carl Jung. It may open up your perspective about the role this first love plays in your life.