My boyfriend's friends think I am controlling, but he tells them that he likes to be around me.

[saramarshall1999]

I know this is a bit of an odd one but I need some advice and also must put my mind at rest.

Until recently, I had a very close group of friends who lived nearby - a group of girls I have been close with since high school. I used to meet up with at least one of them twice a week to discuss and gossip (the regular things some 20 something year old women would do).

However, I recently moved in with my boyfriend, (who I met at university) to East Sussex from Wales, leaving my friends behind. The move has gone well and I am beginning to settle in. All except for making new close friendships. I've been trying to make friends in the new community but I'm finding it difficult considering I haven't really had to do this since university, and it is almost harder to do now in a more 'adult setting' so to say.
This means that I have been spending more time with my boyfriend, especially as we now do live together. I thought that this was going well until some of his friends started to express that he was spending too much time with me, except from when he is in work.

His friends from home and uni tie into the same circle, especially as even though we both went to uni up North, him and the majority of his friends live within an hour away from London (a lot further away than Wales for me). They regularly always arrange to meet up to go to the pub after work on a Friday, something my boyfriend sometimes declines because we have both already made plans with each other (going away for the weekend, dinner, or working on the house together). Today, he has agreed to meet up with them (which I have no issue with at all) and two of his friends have said 'Thank God that Sara let you have the evening off' and 'You are with Sara way too often, it is like she has you on strings'.

I don't know whether I am valid in feeling upset about this or not, especially at the comments his friends have made about me. I never tell my boyfriend that he can't do whatever he wants, if anything, I try my best to encourage it as much as
I can. Though, whenever I suggest him going out with the boys he says that he would rather spend time with me or spend the money he would spend going out with them on a weekend away for the two of us. This is something I choose to not respond to because I wouldn't wish to come across as controlling.

I love my boyfriend but am I valid in feeling upset about the way his friends are perceiving me, even though I don't really believe that I have done anything wrong.

Please let me know.
Thanks,
Sara

Well the question lies es in how he responded to them ? It's quite normal for people to see friends less when they are now living together.

I'll bet he uses you as an excuse when he doesn't to go out with them.

When I expressed that I was hurt by what they had said, he said that the two friends just don't understand because they don't have girlfriends.

How can it be controlling behaviour on your part if it's his preference to prioritise time with you?
However, he didn't have to share what they said.

I'd guess because he's not saying "not this Friday lads, I'd rather spend it doing DIY with Sara" but "Can't tonight, promised Sara I'd get the DIY done".

That's probably true. Things will work out I wouldn't take their comments personally.

Does he share messages like this with you? That’s a bit weird in itself.

How do you know they said those things? If he's telling you - why? Is he shit shirring? Sounds like an offhand comment/ribbing friends often make when they want to see someone more - that he's told you about knowing it will upset you. A bit odd on his part if he's the messenger

He called me after work about a different matter and mentioned that his friend had said that he couldn't believe i had 'let him have the night off'. He told me not to pay any attention to it but it still hurts a bit

I did wonder why he had told me that in the first place, especially when I hadn't asked about what he was up to at all.

So your boyfriend is the one who has planted the suggestion.
Why did he do that?

His friends need to grow up, it does not matter what they say or think what matters is you and your boyfriend. Hes happy to spend the time with you. Hes maturing when his friends are not. All through life we ‘grow out’ of freinds

Does he have local friends with girlfriends?
I did a similar move the other direction and had to get to know the girlfriends and that’s how I settled in. We would have bbqs and invite them all round or organise dinners with the other couples. I am still friends with some of them forty years later.

Only one of his local friends has a girlfriend, who I've met and she's so lovely. The only problem is that she works abroad for some weeks at a time, so it makes it difficult to see her on a regular basis.
I will try my best to continue to reach out to more women in the community, it is just frustrating being in this situation at the minute.

I think it's very sad that your b/f has somehow made you feel as though you are the problem.when you obviously aren't.

You've moved in together so naturally spend more time together. That's what couples do.

From what you've said you haven't in any way tried to restrict to the time he spends with his friends.

It sounds very much as though he has been blaming you to his friends when he's told them he won't be joining them for a meet up.
And by unnecessarily relaying what his friends have supposedly said about you it sounds as though he is laying the ground work for possibly scaling down the leisure time he spends with you , possibly suggesting a holiday with his friends etc and backing you into a position of having to agree to things because he's guilt tripped you.

You haven't done any thing wrong so just ignore what his friends have supposedly said about you.

Yes continue to try and make your own social circle.
But I would be a little wary of your b/f's motives in trying to make you feel bad over this.

Thank you for your words and advice, they really do mean an awful lot to me.
I very much appreciate it - thank you

Could his male friends become your friends? Could you invite them over see what happens?

Agree with everyone else about it not being your fault in any way. I think people are quite stereotypical and like to play roles and assign roles to others. You boyfriend's friend are assigning a role to you BF. I say shake things up a bit. Invite them over, get to know them. You never know they might become friends.

It's change. His friends are probably not
ready for change, they want the Friday night lads night. So they throw it the thing/person that brought about the change.
Don't take it personally.

It's hard moving to someone else's home area. You are probably feeling pretty reliant on them and that might be a new feeling for you. And it is not easy to make good friends. Maybe do things you are interested in and gradually you'll find people you like. I moved over 20 yrs ago and still making friends!