Arrange marriage, husband been contacting ex gf :(

[saira19]

I'm in an arranged marriage and have recently discovered that my husband has been contacting his ex girlfriend (his "one and only love" behind my back).
The ex found me on social media and message me to explain this. She shared some of the messages he'd been sending her, declaring he's never stopped loving her and wishes he'd been man enough to say no to the arranged marriage.
This lady didn't reply to his messages, other than telling him that his behavior is disgusting and that he ought to have some respect for me as his wife and mother of his children. She didn't encourage him in any way, quite the opposite in fact. She showed me her reply to him where she made it clear that he'd blown all his chances with her years ago and that she'd moved on. Was urging him to look inside himself if really that unhappy in his arranged marriage.
My husband doesn't know that I'm aware of this, he has no idea that she's reached out and contacted me.
I'm from a community where it's frowned upon to "shame" the family or walk away from arranged marriages... Sounds from his messages to her that's the only reason he's still with me (except for the children).
Do I tell him I know what he's being doing/saying? This ex gf has offered to send me more of his messages and love poems he's sent her. All show his email address to be correct, and dates/times included. I'm tempted to ask her for them all, so that I can collate a stack of evidence. WWYD?

Forgot to add, the ex gf is from a different cultural background to husband and I (just for context).

Op how are you feeling in yourself? Are you shocked? Hurt? Okay? Cheating causes ptsd in many victims and I believe this is cheating. It is also abuse. He is putting you at risk of ptsd and if he had met up and had sex you would be at risk of STDs. This is abusive behaviour.

I would ask her to send it all. Then maybe print and get a trusted friend to keep.

The lady seems like a good person. Maybe she did love him once. But by telling you it is clear she respects marriage and is not interested in being an affair partner.

Your husband clearly is a liar and he is prepared to lie and sneak about.

Culturally is being a cheat and a liar shameful? Will you get support from family and friends if you show he is a liar and abuser (cheating is abuse - in my opinion)?

How are you feeling op? Look after yourself. You will find support may come from the most unusual places.

I’m sorry OP, you’re probably from a culture where women have less rights. If you really can’t leave, I’m not sure what the point is of confronting him. Why would he change his behaviors? As a male he’ll have much more power than you. Just make your life as full and as happy as possible regardless of him being in it. And please try and raise your children, male and female differently, so this patriarchal abuse does not continue to the next generation. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I don't think it's you who should be ashamed, but him for trying to cheat.
Do you want to be with him? Do you love him? Those are the things you should consider though I understand culturally you have pressure.
On one hand, you saw he tried to get back with her but she wasn't interested. So he hasn't actually done anything...yet. but do you trust he won't try and meet other women and cheat with them? Or could it be he realises now he must be faithful?
What do you think would happen if you told him what you knew?

If I'd been the ex girlfriend I'd never have sent you the messages and caused the heartbreak, what a spiteful thing to do.

No advice, but try to break the cycle and make sure your children get to make their own choices in life.

The ex doesn't sound very nice I'm afraid. Offering to share love poems. Ridiculous. Up to you if you want to stay or face the fall out if you leave. Maybe you should tell him what you've heard and get his side of the story. This might help you to make up your mind how to move forward.

I actually strongly disagree with the previous posters. The ex girlfriend has behaved really well here - initially rebuffing his messages and asking him to respect you. And then later contacting you when his behaviour continued.

This is a hard question for you, and a huge thing to decide. Irrespective of cultural norms, you can leave if you want to and make a good life for yourself and your children by yourselves. But that decision will come with the weight of financial responsibility, and of disapproval from your community.

Alternatively you can pretend that you know nothing about this, and continue to raise your children with your husband. Easier for family relationships and financially, but likely a less happy life for yourself.

Hard decisions.

What are your options OP? Can you leave him. If not, what would confronting him achieve.

Sounds awful for all involved, both yourself and your husband not marrying through choice but under obligation and the ex girlfriend sounds manipulative, what are the consequences of splitting, how old are the children, living a lie is going to have long term impact, would be safe if you left?

just so sorry for your pain. it’s a terrible position to be in, but no shame to you.

What do you want to happen?

What would you use the evidence to do?

Maybe confide in your parents who arranged your marriage? The shame is not yours - it is your husband’s unacceptable behaviour.

Let me guess. He's a Muslim man who used to have a white girlfriend he couldn't marry because of patriarchal religious nonsense, and now you're stuck with him because you were expected to do as you were told.

Break the cycle.

I have been the British girlfriend of a man who had to go home and have an arranged marriage.

And he also tried to send me sexual messages from time to time, along with other inappropriate ways of speaking to me, while he was living with his new wife.

It was hard to cut him off because breaking up with someone while you both still love each other is very very confusing, but I did. And when he didn't stop with the sexual messages after I'd told him what the consequences would be, I blocked him.

He emailed me later to apologise and tell me he loved me. I thanked him and told him never to contact me again.

At no time did it cross my mind to tell his wife.

OP, you're in such a bullshit dynamic. You deserve a husband who loves you and wants to be with you. This works for no one, least of all you.

The ex girlfriend was right to tell her. It's not spiteful. Now she knows, and can kick him to the curb.