Help, I can’t stand my Mother. And it makes me sad.

[postmanshere]

Since the birth of my daughter, I cannot stand my mother. She’s wonderful, couldn’t do enough for me and makes my life a lot easier. But she irritates me to the point where I can’t wait for her to leave and I cannot stand how she incessantly asks me questions. It’s so emotionally draining. She’s just trying to take an interest but I hate how as soon as she arrives or I got to her it’s like the world’s friendliest interrogation. I’ve gotten to the point where I find it difficult to make eye contact and only ever answer using one world answers to her questions.

Had anyone experienced this? Just a sudden inability to stand a parent? Obviously she’s not been a perfect parent (neither have I), no parent is but I feel so guilty that I cannot stand her presence.

I am your mother. My dd has to tell me, gently, with all the love in the world she has for me, please stop asking so many questions.

My DD wasn't a new mother but she was in a similarly stressful situation so I completely understood.

You only have so much emotional energy in a day, and a newborn takes it all and more. I can't speak for your DM but I would understand that.

You're going to need to talk to her. Or avoid her until you can cope better with her. It depends on your relationship.

@postmanshere how old is your dd?

I'm sorry you feel like this but you do need to put some boundaries in place so you spend a lot less time together. I suspect she is just interested and excited but regardless make plans to spend a lot time with her. She is probably trying to help so let her, but in a way that suits you. Eg look after baby while you pop out or have a bath, take the washing for you. You will feel this way with your DD in 30 years time too. Give each other some space for now x

Thank you @Notknotsfor your thoughtful answer.

I know I do, but I do think she will be offended. She’s not an overly emotional person but she values family above all else and would be hurt that her genuine interest in my life is something I cannot stand. But you’re right on the money: I was explaining to DH the other day how conflicted I felt and the only way I could explain it was that I had been at work all day answering questions and putting out fires, outside of work I’m enjoying but also managing a very inquisitive and energetic toddler and managing a household where there is always something that needs my attention and then my mother comes (she comes most days to visit) and she’s asking me 100000 questions I don’t have the energy for. My energy is all
consumed by work and home and toddler and it really does feel like an interrogation. And I know it’s from a place of love, which makes it even harder. She’s just trying to connect but she’s just pushing me further and further away.

I’m due my second baby this week and just feel like if she continues I will snap in my sleep-deprived state and make a mess of things. Maybe it’s time to talk before it gets to that point.

@BeNiceWhenItsFinishedDD is 3. Second baby due this week. Can’t pretend that pregnancy hormones may not be helping…

What sort of questions? (Sorry to ask yet another question here...)

@mathanxietyliterally just about my day. How was work? What did you do? Did it take long? Do you like work? Did you get all your work done? What are you doing at the weekend? Oh, where’s that? How long will you be there? Have you been there before? Where did you hear about that? How long will it take to drive there? Who are you going with? Oh, how’s her mum? What’s she doing these days? Has she got a boyfriend? Do you see her often?

But imagine getting one word answers and still continuing relentlessly. It’s never personal or invasive. Just relentless and unnecessary.

I think I'd be trying to manage your time together so that you have more space but so that she is also part of your life. ( everyday would be awful for me).

A new baby and a toddler, so much opportunity for her to help you by taking the toddler out/home, to playgroup. Gives you both some space and builds new patterns now that you have two.

Do you also see your MiL? Surely this is a reason to not see your DM everyday.

I always think being out, in the park or for a walk makes me feel more relaxed. Do that with her. I hate visitors who just sit and sit. So intense.

Does she see people apart from you OP? Sounds like she has limited social interaction and you’re her only outlet.

Good luck for the birth.

@SockFluffInTheBathshe sees lots of people! Such a social buttery. But both me and DH are comparatively very introverted (he feels the same about the intense questioning). There’s also that personality clash aspect to this, that’s she’s so very extroverted and we are not.

Certainly not her only outlet and I do sometimes see her getting agitated at me not responding enough. She’s always asking if I’m tired or sad (so she does notice that I’m not behaving normally) but that just irritates me more. No, generally
im not tired or sad but interacting with her makes me both tired and sad and I find that in itself very depressing.

@Joinedinhistoryno, sadly MIL loves an hour away and ain’t well enough to travel so we only see her when we’re able to make it down there with the toddler.

DM lives only 10 mins away so is always popping by (not without warning, so it’s not an intrusion necessarily).

I feel your pain. My mum does this too. And the more monosyllabic I get the more she asks. Like she is trying to draw me out. Drives me bonkers.
Would something along the lines of, ‘Sorry mum, it has been a super busy day, my brain is on fire. Could we have silence and some peaceful music playing for a while for me to decompress. And then how about in half an hour I make a cup of tea and we have a 10 minute sit down and natter before dinner? ‘
it puts the ‘blame’ on you not her, gives some clear boundaries, and does let her have a clear (short) window to go crazy with questions.
Good luck.