Your relationship frustrations?

ThisTidyMintRobin · 2025-05-02T05:20:46+00:00

We have been married for 10 years with two beautiful daughters. For quite some time, me and hubby aren't just able to spend quality time together. It's all about the kids, work, in-laws, or something else getting in the way. I have mentioned this to him, but we end up rescheduling, watching Netflix, or just talking about work when we are together. Is this a problem for you? If not, what challenges are you facing? How are you resolving it?

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2025 06:42

I’m older than you and my frustrations have gone on for so long that they turned into resentment. You might ask why I’ve not left, as LTB is so easily thrown about. For the kids, for financial reasons, because it’s easier to stay. And now something has happened which has made me realise that, at my age, settling for security and companionship isn’t that bad.
But you’re young so I’d say to you, get into marriage counselling. Don’t let those little niggles become a huge problem, and if he won’t sort it, consider your options.
And always have an escape fund, the child benefit paid into your own personal account, the house as tenants in common, and a will leaving everything to your kids with him able to live in your half of the house until he cohabitates/remarries.

Arancia · 02/05/2025 07:23

I'm sorry to say, but "mentioning" is not a very proactive action. Why do you not actually plan an activity to do? I hate the terms "quality time" and "spending time together"... doing WHAT, exactly? What does it mean?

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years, and we don't have this issue. It's important to us both that we get to do things together regularly, so we have always allocated one day a week where we have a date. Sometimes the date is having a romantic dinner alone at home, sometimes it's something fun like going bowling or to the cinema. It can be anything, but you have to plan SOMETHING to do before it materialises.

Of course it's not just on you, but it can be you who starts the habit of planning a date. Most likely, it'll rub off on your husband...

Gymbunny2025 · 02/05/2025 07:25

The first thing I’d address is making sure you both have lives/hobbies/friends. No one should be talking about work it’s so dull!!

NeedSomeComfy · 02/05/2025 11:03

We started a hobby together (ballroom dancing). We're only a few months in but I've really noticed the positive benefits in our relationship. We go for dinner together before the class so we chat, and the class has given us a new shared interests and a bit of a social life outside kids. Committing to a class is good because you can't reschedule it on a whim so you make more effort to go.
(I realise we are very lucky to have family help to look after DC once a week and not everyone has that).

mindutopia · 02/05/2025 12:23

We don’t get much time alone together, but we do have lots of time together. I’m not sure it’s really a problem as doesn’t stop us talking to each other and we certainly don’t get stuck talking about work (unless there is something interesting to talk about). But our dc are 7 & 12, so potentially older than yours.

My primary relationship challenge is that Dh cannot bloody put something back where he got it from and then proceeds to “lose” absolutely everything that I need. The fire lighter, every f-ing pen of mine, the garden trowel, dc’s school shoes, car keys, house keys, dog lead. He just drops things, literally in the middle of the floor or the middle of the field while walking the dog or wherever when he gets bored of using it. And then has no idea where he put it and then neither of us can find it.

Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 05/05/2025 02:54

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2025 06:42

I’m older than you and my frustrations have gone on for so long that they turned into resentment. You might ask why I’ve not left, as LTB is so easily thrown about. For the kids, for financial reasons, because it’s easier to stay. And now something has happened which has made me realise that, at my age, settling for security and companionship isn’t that bad.
But you’re young so I’d say to you, get into marriage counselling. Don’t let those little niggles become a huge problem, and if he won’t sort it, consider your options.
And always have an escape fund, the child benefit paid into your own personal account, the house as tenants in common, and a will leaving everything to your kids with him able to live in your half of the house until he cohabitates/remarries.

I am so sorry to hear - I am hoping it gets better!
He is very much against counselling, it seems to have a negative effect when I brought it up. But as others have suggested, I'll take the initiative and report back here.

Are there any other frustrations/tensions for you apart from getting to spend quality time with him?

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Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 05/05/2025 02:59

Arancia · 02/05/2025 07:23

I'm sorry to say, but "mentioning" is not a very proactive action. Why do you not actually plan an activity to do? I hate the terms "quality time" and "spending time together"... doing WHAT, exactly? What does it mean?

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years, and we don't have this issue. It's important to us both that we get to do things together regularly, so we have always allocated one day a week where we have a date. Sometimes the date is having a romantic dinner alone at home, sometimes it's something fun like going bowling or to the cinema. It can be anything, but you have to plan SOMETHING to do before it materialises.

Of course it's not just on you, but it can be you who starts the habit of planning a date. Most likely, it'll rub off on your husband...

Thank you and that's a great idea!
When we met, he planned and did everything, but over time, it fizzled out and I am the defacto person for organising everything now. On top of works and managing the household, it gets overwhelming; Not that I am saying he doesn't contribute but I have to prompt him a lot.

I used to love going hiking with him so that will be a great start.

So if its not the time, what challenges are/did you face?

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Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 05/05/2025 03:02

Gymbunny2025 · 02/05/2025 07:25

The first thing I’d address is making sure you both have lives/hobbies/friends. No one should be talking about work it’s so dull!!

I know right - it's not engaging at all and I end up thinking about what to make for dinner, kids birthday parties, etc.

Do you mean getting our own hobbies or doing something together - I would love to go Salsa dancing but he isn't into it.

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Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 05/05/2025 03:04

NeedSomeComfy · 02/05/2025 11:03

We started a hobby together (ballroom dancing). We're only a few months in but I've really noticed the positive benefits in our relationship. We go for dinner together before the class so we chat, and the class has given us a new shared interests and a bit of a social life outside kids. Committing to a class is good because you can't reschedule it on a whim so you make more effort to go.
(I realise we are very lucky to have family help to look after DC once a week and not everyone has that).

Love the suggestion - This would also avoid having to plan something on a weekly basis.

It sounds like you are able to connect and spend some quality time together. Are you facing any frustrations/stresses outside of that?

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Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 05/05/2025 03:09

mindutopia · 02/05/2025 12:23

We don’t get much time alone together, but we do have lots of time together. I’m not sure it’s really a problem as doesn’t stop us talking to each other and we certainly don’t get stuck talking about work (unless there is something interesting to talk about). But our dc are 7 & 12, so potentially older than yours.

My primary relationship challenge is that Dh cannot bloody put something back where he got it from and then proceeds to “lose” absolutely everything that I need. The fire lighter, every f-ing pen of mine, the garden trowel, dc’s school shoes, car keys, house keys, dog lead. He just drops things, literally in the middle of the floor or the middle of the field while walking the dog or wherever when he gets bored of using it. And then has no idea where he put it and then neither of us can find it.

Aww I am so glad to hear that and sounds like you have great bond with him.

Gosh, that sounds so frustrating! How have you tried to resolve it?
Dh also loses car keys atleast 1-2x a week, and it's a mad rush in the morning before we do the drop-offs.

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PoppyBaxter · 05/05/2025 06:02

We've been together for 20 years and are in our early 40s, no kids.

I'm struggling to think of any current frustrations.

That tells me what a corner we've turned, because we've been through a couple of really bad patches, always as a result of me feeling like I do everything, initiate everything, plan everything, pay for everything (I've always been the higher earner) and just generally have had to drag DH kicking and screaming through life.

I laid my cards on the table many times, but really meant it a few years ago (I was actively looking at flats to rent on my own).

One thing led to another and he ended up retraining from his sedentary, dead end desk job into a trade (funded by me). He's worked so hard, made a huge success of it, and has gained so much self confidence, pride and ambition. He's borderline arrogant, which I'm enjoying! He takes on so much more of the mental load (we've just been on a complicated holiday and he sorted all of the tricky logistics, and even sat down on the last day and ordered a food shop to be delivered for when we were home!). And he's set to out-earn me this year, and has encouraged me to drop a day at work (which I've done) to thank me for all of the financial support over the years. All of these changes (and peri!) have made me find him so attractive again, our sex life and connection has never been better.

I could have bailed, especially as we don't have kids so don't have that added tie, but I'm so pleased I didn't.

Gymbunny2025 · 05/05/2025 08:00

That’s wonderful @PoppyBaxter

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/05/2025 08:04

Rewind to what you enjoyed in your early days. Also, go see some comedy, watch comedy on tv. Have some laughs & look for things to be grateful for and express your gratitude for the smallest of things. Ignore the annoying bits if you can. When the point scoring ends between couples the love can move into that space. Book some comedy tickets for next wend!

Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 08/05/2025 01:53

PoppyBaxter · 05/05/2025 06:02

We've been together for 20 years and are in our early 40s, no kids.

I'm struggling to think of any current frustrations.

That tells me what a corner we've turned, because we've been through a couple of really bad patches, always as a result of me feeling like I do everything, initiate everything, plan everything, pay for everything (I've always been the higher earner) and just generally have had to drag DH kicking and screaming through life.

I laid my cards on the table many times, but really meant it a few years ago (I was actively looking at flats to rent on my own).

One thing led to another and he ended up retraining from his sedentary, dead end desk job into a trade (funded by me). He's worked so hard, made a huge success of it, and has gained so much self confidence, pride and ambition. He's borderline arrogant, which I'm enjoying! He takes on so much more of the mental load (we've just been on a complicated holiday and he sorted all of the tricky logistics, and even sat down on the last day and ordered a food shop to be delivered for when we were home!). And he's set to out-earn me this year, and has encouraged me to drop a day at work (which I've done) to thank me for all of the financial support over the years. All of these changes (and peri!) have made me find him so attractive again, our sex life and connection has never been better.

I could have bailed, especially as we don't have kids so don't have that added tie, but I'm so pleased I didn't.

@PoppyBaxter Wow that is soo inspiring! It sounds like you he has turned from a dependent child to an independent adult.
It's a complete 180, and I am really glad that both of you are in a great headspace now. Travel is such a great test; you really have to understand each other's preferences while taking care of all the logistics. I hope you had an amazing holiday, it sounds like you deserved it.

What was the most difficult part for you in resolving this? Apart from conversations, was there anything else you tried?
Where did you look for support?

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Original poster

ThisTidyMintRobin · 08/05/2025 01:55

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/05/2025 08:04

Rewind to what you enjoyed in your early days. Also, go see some comedy, watch comedy on tv. Have some laughs & look for things to be grateful for and express your gratitude for the smallest of things. Ignore the annoying bits if you can. When the point scoring ends between couples the love can move into that space. Book some comedy tickets for next wend!

Edited

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary Did you not feel that the annoying bits added up over time?
When we started, I found all of this cute but having to rewash all the dishes is not so much fun.

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