oh, and to top off my week, Aunty turns up with guilt trips.......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh((plus a scary proposition[shock]))

[Psychomum5]

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

honestly, how much more heart shocks can one girl take ((please don;t answer that))

get home from the medals, upload the photos, and who should ring.......Aunty!!!

(anyone not in the know, aunty bought me up, she is rather toxic and causes me much much stress)

anyhoo......as much as would have liked to have lied, clearly me answering the home line gives the game away, and she ask's how we are, I am nice and say we have had medals and are now relaxing, so she springs on that she is around the corner and on her way to visit us.........

(that was me on a dead faint)

so in she trots, along with her dog which she knows I am allergic to but I can't say NO, as then the dog would be left in a hot car, and that isn;t overly fair.

and then came the point of her visit....

she went to see my mother (more issues, she is schizophrenic), and has pressies from her, and then also tells me that she is 'on one', hasn;t had visits from us, is 'on the attack' (meaning that injections have had to be given to calm her down), and I am to go visit ASAP, especially as my brother hasn;t been since october and it isn;t fair, she gave us life blah blah blah.

aunty doesn;t get it, I gve up explaining, I can;t go right now, especially if mum is indeed 'on the attack.

AND..............

wait for it.................

aunty wants to come on holiday with us this year, she wants us to go to holland and she will give us something for her part, she thinks the children would like to go to this park in holland...............

no acknowledgement of were we might like to go, no acknowledgement of our complete lack of money for such a trip that we would not choose to go on....nothin, nada.......

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

((sorry, for the rant))

thankyou ally

yes, I know....in my head I know.

heart is another matter tho, as is emotions and feelings and the guilt trip she always manages to send me on.

ho hum.......still in the search for a voodoo doll!

I know in my head too, my mother was in contact recently...talked about needing to see me and dd for her sanity...etc etc...she was old etc no social life etc...really messed with my head for a week...I'm okay now, but yes...it needs to be felt on an emotional level...it is okay that we are not responsible for how our parents feel.

what scares me tho, is that I had such a crap example of mothering.....how do I now if I am doing ok now with my own???

I have to say, it terrifies me the thought that I may screw up my own kiddies.

most of the time I know that it is precisely because of my upbringing that I won't be like that.....in some way it should protect them from having it all, and then, I get a visit and it all churns me up again and I wonder........

oh FGS....I need to snap out of this!!!!

Nah, we're all going to make mistakes - sometimes by repeating, some by trying to avoid and make new ones.

They seem fairly stable to me

not today tho!

Bronwyn has just screamed, stamped her feet and threw balls across the room yelling "I WANT TO WATCH BEN10 NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I think you're doin ok

Your self-aware which is the blessing your mother and aunt don't have! That means you will not abuse them as your mother and aunt abused you. As long as you can talk to your kids and they talk to you...and you can acknowledge where you are wrong and make a genuine heartfelt apology...you won't go far wrong (must remember my own advice ).

And I think for your children you need to give yourself a break over seeing/having contact with your aunt and mum. I remember on previous posts you have needed to drink before seeing them...It seems your aunt is the real issue at the moment...without her you have no contact with your mother. So why do you keep allowing yourself to be bullied by her? I sound harsh...and I do know how hard it is to stand up to people who have been abusive to you all your life...but your an adult now...(even if you don't feel it around her) you have different choices...what do you fear by confronting her/stopping seeing her? What is the worst that could happen? And what could you do to counter that? You can continue doing this for the rest of your aunts life but what do you stand to gain...? What is the benefit to your children, taking into account how you feel after contact with her?

I really do feel for you...your mother, aunt and uncle sound really scary to be around...and really frightening to stand up to.

Please ignore this post if you don't find it helpful or just too much...but I just feel concern for you when you post

ally.....your words do help you know!!

my uncle is dead now, , and TBH, he was actually lovely when alive, but he too could not stand up to my aunt.....I remember one time so very clearly when he tried to stop a visit to my mum (she had attacked me the previous week.....I was 12), and all the way aunty berated me and him and still made me go....I was being sick and he just could not help....and he was a big strong man too!!!!

thinking deep (ish), the worst is that she can disown me, and that in itself is no bad thing....the rest of my family already have, and I am better for it!!!!

and yes, she and my mother do drive me to drink.......not good for the children, as that is the harm I do IYGWIM.

they are better than me......their dad copes and helps them....he tries with me, but I am better when he does the kiddies.....they should be his concern, not me!

hey ho......school run now......will ponder

x

Glad they help! I can be bossy at times

I thought there was a man who had abused you that turned up last time you posted about seeing your mum...not your uncle then!

You really need to get out of this FOG...prob mentioned it before

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

You seem rather stuck in it...perhaps its time to look at each issue with the eyes of an adult? Not a small scared child...which is entirely understandable...I still pull the blinds if I think my mother is in the area...

It really is not healthy for you that you see your aunt or your mother...psychologically or physically...

ally....the man who abused me was my stepfather.

you speak a lot of sense....shame I seem not to keep the strong thoughts when it actually comes to speaking/seeing them.

I stay strong for a ot of things, but my aunt, my mother, and driving still beat me inside!!!

hey ho.....

am sorry that you have such issues with your mother.......tis horrid all this toxic stuff

But Psycho...the reason you lose the strong thoughts is because you are around them...you need to be separate/too separate emotionally/physically to be a strong person for yourself and your children. Being around people who don't just ignore any boundries...just trample all over you...and you know would kick up one hell of a fuss if you did put down a boundry...is just not healthy for you. I just want to, quite frankly, kick them for doing this too you! (not literally...)...but I also feel frustrated that you are not standing up for yourself...they can only do this too you if you let them. This will go on until your aunt passes away unless you stand up for yourself. God knows its a frightening thought...but surely it has to be better than living in fear of a visit from your aunt or to your mum? You are an adult now...your aunt bosses you because she can.

Please stand up for yourself...

And try not to take this as 'i'm so crap i should be able to stand up to them, i'm so weak' etc...this is not it...your frightened but its time to be frightened...but do something different anyway! What can happen if you say 'no' to your aunt? (by text/phone/letter... not neccessarily face to very scary face!!) Patterns will repeat unless we change things...and you owe your aunt nothing...did you ask to be taken in? Did you have a choice...? Do you expect your children to be grateful for you looking after them for the first 16 years of their lives...forever?!

Honestly...its okay to feel not strong/scared around abusive family...its totally normal...but it is abusive to yourself to let this continue...you do come first...you just have to make that happen...and believe you deserve better...and its okay to know it in your head but not emotionally...that's how I operate and others do. Emotional stuff will follow...you need to let your logical/adult side take over now and let that side of you protect yourself iyswim.

Have you seen your mum yet? Have you made arrangements? Spoken to your aunt?...you can change things...you can you can you can!!

allyxx