Am I married to a narcissist

[Woolly6789101112]

Advice welcome...

been married 10 years together 18, 3 children and I am now at the end of my tether..

Context, I do all the house work / cooking / cleaning / bill paying / all 3 children activities & hobbies, school runs, parents evenings etc while holding down a full time job.

His typical behaviour

Takes no interests in my hobbies / life/ work or friends, always not picking about them,

if i ask him to look after our kids so i could perhaps do something he says he can't or if he does agree is always late, so it makes me late for to the person I have organised it with.

Self employed works non stop .. then goes and does work for other people ( doesn't need to successful partnerships buisness ) because he says enjoys it, this was ll last bank holiday when his children had been off school for 3 weeks and he hasn't done a anything with them, . I think this is more of a look what I've got and I can do, but is off on a expensive day out with his mates at the end of the month ( again school holidays that's the only day I can take off sorry you will have to manage )

always late never communicates when he is home. Just comes and goes as he pleases

does nothing around the house but constantly tells me I'm lazy, has taken to washing his own clothes but wouldn't put a wash on for the kids.. and then txts me from his bed to ask me to put his washing in the dryer.

loses his temper easily, blind fit or rage, cursing me under his breath "lazy fucking fat bitch" sort of thing.

struggles getting up in the morning if he needs to get up early .. he says I have to wake him up ( he is 40)

always helps other .. but always to busy to help me .. 3rd child c section 2nd day at home I got mastitis rang him to see if he could nip me to the doctors for Antibiotics .. sorry I can't you'll have to drive yourself.

i don't get on with his mum as she has the same controlling behaviours and snide comments .. he says the reason for our issues is I just need to get on with her.. so dismisses the way she has treated me and wants me to just suck it up for her and his sake ...

takes no interest in his kids lives/ hobbies says they take over everything, he sees them maybe a few hours on a Sunday but claims dad of the year and says he does everything with them.

always causes drama everywhere we go .. went on holiday .. to hot ... went to a water park he spent the day in the shade as he didn't want to get sunburn and I was running around after all 3 kids ..

my mum died he dropped me off at her house.. then when I tried to ring him a few hours later didn't answer my calls .. had to ring his mum who said is it true your mums dead ...

Had a birthday party for my daughter literally did everything while he worked .. begrudgingly invited his parents after the party I said did you parents have a nice time.. he said yes but my mums thinks your wasteful for recycling those paper plates ..

he says I spend to much.. I literally never go shopping and spend any spare money I have on my kids.

if he wants to do something / is asked to do something by friends ( pleasure time ) he always agrees and has never consulted me .. doesn't check to see if I or the kids might have something on, and then if I dare to question it he says fine I won't go if that's what you want:

the other day after I had had a few drinks and he thought he would get lucky, he said are you coming to bed I said yes I'm just having a few mins to myself be up in a min he went upstairs then came down and launched a shoe at me because I was to long,
A few months back same senario he smashed the tv because I wouldn't go to bed when he wanted.. then says I'm sorry but if you had just done as I had asked .

he has no patience loses his temper with the kids and it's got to the point where I don't trust him so very rarely go anywhere and if I do I have my heart in my mouth.

I was in hospital for 10 days last year, he rang me and said it wouldn't matter if I died he can manage the kids.. despite him never actually looking after them the whole time I was in there I was having to sort them out through family.

this is just the tip of the iceberg I could go on ... help 😔

FfS! You need to go and see a solicitor ASAP.
Does your work provide counselling through private health or anything.
You seem very passive and accepting he can treat you and the kids like this. Why is that? Surely you know its not normal, just from being around other people?

Sorry to add my mum died 9 years ago and my dad doesn't live locally to me.. my friends I've maybe told snippets to.. the thing is to everyone else he is very charming and lovely, help anyone etc. similarly I don't want to go round bad mouthing him as it's a small village incase it gets back to the children. (Try to protect them as much as I can

Usually I have a bit of something about me but this is getting less and less I just don't know where to start. He says he won't move unless I take on the mortgage, not sure if I have to do this? As I'm not on the mortgage ? I do get advice through my work so I am going to ring them tomorrow.

You aren't protecting your kids. You're protecting him. They will tell their friends and teachers anyway.

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Suggest change thread title to ' help.me leave and not get fucked over mentally or financially'

Then the really helpful people will find you:)

He's a horrible nasty piece of work. So is his mum by the sounds of it.

Get out. That's how you protect your dcs and yourself.

He's disgusting.

He's not a narcissist, he's an asshole

If you're married, then you have a claim on the marital assets, which will include the house (unless it's ringfenced in some manner). It doesn't matter whose name is on it.

Speaking to your work's assistance programme is a good first step. You'll probably need to talk to a solicitor.

Don't agree to any big moves, whether leave or take over the mortgage without having had proper legal advice.

Nasty abusive selfish man. Why are you with him? Make your plans and get rid.

It sounds like emotional and physical abuse, because he is controlling, evil and violent. It sounds like you need to get away from this asap as it is emotionally damaging and he’s violent. That’s dangerous for you and the kids to be around. It will only get worse. You could call a women’s refuge- they support finding emergency accommodation, emotional support and practical help.
https://refuge.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=18085626189&gbraid=0AAAAADlq8PHVRc-TVs4bJ7-gsETJf3WIW

Vile, poor excuse of a human being.

You have to find a way to get out, OP.💐

Thankyou that's really helpful.. I do have a prenup but this does not include the house

Succinctly he doesn't like you, he doesn't respect you. Get a solicitor onto this and start to move on with your life.

It doesn't matter whether he's a narcissist or not - what matters is that he treats you like shit and you would be much better off if you split up. How and why you've put up with him for this long is baffling. I can only assume that he's ground you down until your self confidence and autonomy are non-existent.

The first thing you need to do is get legal advice. It doesn't matter that your name isn't on the deeds, the home is a marital asset. You don't have to walk away with nothing, you and your children need financial stability.

I would also contact Women's Aid for support and advice - your husband is verbally and physically abusive and you need to keep yourself and your children safe. Get support from friends and family if you can. You need to end this relationship so you and your children can live in peace.

This isn't narcissism. We have to be careful of labelling people, because that minimises the effects of true narcissists or psychopaths or whomever. However, you have a selfish excuse for a husband. He clearly doesn't prioritise you in any way. He's mean also and and abusive.
What you also have is the ability to make your own choices. From your post it's clear you can see who he is. And what it is doing to you. You also have children to whom you can show your self worth to.
Make yourself and your dc your priority now. You won't change your husband. But you can absolutely change your circumstances.

As PPs have said, consider the freedom programme. Consider speaking to solicitors. Reach out to friends for support and to quote a well used phrase in here, get your ducks in a row.
Life beyond him can and will be amazing. It's scary, but so worth it.

@Woolly6789101112 go to a solicitor get an official separation date . Start the ball rolling with a divorce he will have no choice to sort out the house and assets.
You are sleeping separately so apply for UC . Does he make sure you are ok financially? If not apply to cma .

And don’t do a single thing for him. Nothing no food shop no cooking . It’s over . He can dry his own clothes and op no sex. Respect yourself more !

Curious, what does your prenup say??

Sorry OP he sounds the worst. You need away from him as soon as possible.

This is my Specialist Subject!

Ref is he a narcissist? A narcissist is a recognised personality disorder. Many, many people have narcissistic traits. Your husband sounds as if he has some of them to me. But even if not, he is also just a nasty person and you can leave.

Sometimes a label helps. If he is of narcissistic tendencies he will also have eroded your self esteem and confidence. They tend to end up making you feel confused and that it’s you at fault instead of them. Often just asking ‘is he a narcissist’ is an indication that you are seeking validation that the crazy making way they make you feel is them not you. Therapy helped me sort this one out.

Either way, you don’t need a label to decide if he’s ‘bad’ enough to leave. You deserve a happy life. But I recognise the need to list out all of his behaviours and ask others to judge who’s right.

You need to leave. Speak to a few solicitors and you may feel one that you click with. They often offer a free consultation but this is usually so they can set out their terms and conditions and they won’t offer specific advice usually. But you may get some information that’s useful to you. I also believe you are entitled to 50% of the house even though it’s only in your husbands name. You would also be entitled to 50% of any future private pension he has (but the same applies to any private pension you have.

I think the fact that you think you have to ask your husband for a deposit so you can leave, shows how powerless he has made you feel.

I second a local solicitor, I looked up my local companies and decided I wanted a woman who was a partner in the company and specialised in Family Law. They are expensive.

Read up and familiarise yourself about all aspects of divorce (Form E, Consent Order, Final Order etc - Wikivorce is very good).

Before you pull the plug, find out as much as you can about ALL the assets in the marriage. If he is a narcissist he will likely have his own bank accounts that you don’t even know about or he doesn’t share with you, and they will be hidden from you as soon as he realises he might have to share them.

My ex had his own company. I was also a director. Post divorce I found out lots of shenanigans that had taken place that had deprived me of many, many thousands of pounds. So please look carefully at this.

Please learn to grey rock and Respond not React. He may make the divorce very difficult and be vindictive and petty. Try to never argue or defend yourself- it’s such a waste of time and energy. I finally realised my ex was deliberately trying to wind me up for the sheer drama. They like to have control of you, and a divorce initiated by you takes away their control. By Saying something blatantly untrue or ridiculous they get you to engage with them and they see that as a way of getting control of you again - even if it is only to cause you anguish and upset. They seem to get a perverted kick out of this.

Please remember you cannot use logic or facts with a narcissist, they will twist EVERYTHING to suit their own narrative. Just ignore, ignore, ignore the wind ups.

And if he’s not a narcissist, I think my advice will still be helpful.

It was a 10 year one protecting his buisness,we are over that mark now but he has told me I can't take any of it as advised by a solicitor.. can't remember the term he used though.

Thankyou so much for taking the time to write this, it has lots of info I didn't know about, especially the private pension, I'll look into it

He's bound to say that, though, in hopes you won't challenge it, so if you split up he can stiff you.

I wouldn't take his word for anything.

Get some good legal advice. Show them a copy of the pre-nup and all that. I don't think the courts treat them as necessarily binding anyway, and may overturn unfair terms.

It was a 10 year one protecting his buisness,we are over that mark now but he has told me I can't take any of it as advised by a solicitor.. can't remember the term he used though.

I meant to quote this post, in my reply above. 🙂

You need independent legal advice, start there.

I don’t know, but he sounds absolutely awful and you would be so much happier without him.

This man adds no value. I really think everyone would be happier if you split up.

Under no circumstances think he is on your side and will want to do his best for his children, ie give you a deposit, discuss things rationally.

Don't tell him what you have learnt. Don't tell him what you might get, and don't sign anything.

He will try and pretend he wants to do it fairly for the children without the cost of a solicitor. This will be a lie, from a man like him. You'll come under pressure. Just ignore him, act thick, and write down his suggestions to look at later. Just say you don't know and will pass it on to your solicitor to look at.

His mum will try and interfere . You're going to have to be very strong and ignore it all. Just tell yourself this time next year it will all be over.

Def use work support with legal and any free counselling. And stay on here:) you'll get some bonkers advice and some very good advice. And support. Lots of support.