Am I being a paranoid wierdo?

[SheWillBeLoved]

DP and I were together for over 2 years, and in October, we split for 6 months. We've been back together since the beginning of March.

In the 6 months apart, he was no doubt actively seeking someone joining dating websites etc, namely POF - says everything really lol. He acquired quite alot of phone numbers and revealing pictures from people off the site. Even met up with one girl for a coffee. No idea how many others but anyway.

I deleted her number, but I checked the number first to see the last few digits so i'd recognise it if it popped up again. There's been a few texts while i've been around which he then deleted straight away without replying, I have no idea about what happens when i'm not around.

Anyway, last night, just after 2am, we'd just finished doing the deed and his phone rings. By the time he gets to it, it's a missed called. I ask him to pass me the phone and start calling it back, only asking if I could when it was ringing.. a girl answers. I say hello, she says hello... long pause when i'm assuming she realizes she just heard a womans voice. I ask who it is, another long pause, she then says she must have got the wrong number and hangs up.

DP has always gone nuts when people call/text me after midnight because it's 'antisocial' and eiher one of us could be disturbed by it if up early. So with such a strong view about it, he maintains that he will text whoever it is today an tell them to.. fuck off basically.

So morning comes, I remind him to send the text. He says he will when he knows what to say. I say "Piss off, dont call me at 2am or again for that matter" would be a good idea, and he says he can't say that - he's not mean

He keeps putting it off, claiming he doesn't know what to say an that he won't do it while i'm forcing him into it. This has happened before - me telling him to text someone to tell her that they won't be in touch again after a series of events - an it never happened. He didn't know what to say then either, and spent a week showing me his progress of a half written text which nowhere near touched on the real reason they wouldn't be in touch again.

Am I being a paranoid wierdo in thinking that he shouldn't have such a problem with texting someone who he claims to never speak to anyway...? And if they never speak, why would she be calling him at 2am? I'm probably over reacting but this has really done my head in and things have been off all morning with us.

Sorry for the essay proceed in calling me odd.

You text her.

And talk to him to make sure he is only with you.

people pleaser? yeah right. he sends messages like 'f off' to anyone else who calls/texts after midnight... but not certain female people?
i wouldnt trust him as far as i could throw him.

Well, my guess is that this is a woman he was seeing during your time apart and he is still seeing her/talking to her/feeling something for her.

Sorry but that's what my hunches would say.

I've asked if I could text her, he said no, he would when he knows what to say. Although I do have her number I'd use it if I wasn't too worried about the backlash of it.

But my arguement is, what does it matter what he says? If the person is such a non event to you and you claim to not even know who it is, a simple "please delete my number and not call again" would do the job? Why does it need such thought?

He works from home, I know where he is most of the time, but it's just grating on me how much he wants to put it off or think about his wording, instead of thinking about the problems it causing us whilst he thinks

calmly inform him that while he is thinking about it, his hesitation is making YOU think that theres a lot more to this than hes letting on. that youre trying to trust him but does he think you were born yesterday? tell him he ought to think about that too.

NotDoingTheHousework - he is a people please, he always tries to go out of his way to be thought well of but in this case, I can't understand how that justifies causing us problems.

Nappies - that's the thing. I've never had a problem with close friends texting me late if they needed to, but he hated it so much and would argue to the point were one of us ended up on the couch if I did not let him text this person back. So why be so defensive when the roles are reversed?

You're right nappies - it's just that whenever the trust word is mentioned, he shuts off, ignores me, asks why we're even together if I can't trust him.

Yet doesn't seem to understand that the reason why is him. Because of shit like this that he pulls. I just feel so deflated right now. We're in the middle of starting our new life together, planning on moving abroad to set up business. There's always something that knocks it right back down.

his shutting down at the mention of trust is a bad sign if you ask me

I always end up feeling like the person in the wrong.. it somehow always turns around onto me and my issues. That's why i'm so reluctant to make a huge fuss of this and instead i'm offloading on here, hoping people on here wont make me feel like i'm a paranoid twat uncapable of trusting people who have folders of naked women on their phone and get texts off their coffee dates at 2am...

shewill - i dont think youre paranoid. or stupid. i just think youd really like it to work and be something its not. youre giving it (the relationship) everything youve got, and thats admirable. truly.
but you cant control the behaviour of others, only yourself.
so you decide what you can live with and what you cant.
and he has to either get with the program, or leave. he cant have his cake and eat it, and make YOU feel like the one in the wrong. thats really fucking low.

I might just show him this thread. I forsee a day of us not speaking if I do so but at least then he will see that i'm not being unreasonable in asking, infact insisting that he texts her.

I'm not doing it to control him, i'm doing it to save us and at how desperate that sounds but.. ugh.

He's a control freak, so to an extent I know that if he's forced into doing something by others, he'll rebel and not do it. But when your stubborness affects your home life and relationship - it's time to give it up and do what it takes to fix that surely?

Hoochie, we've just had another arguement over it.

I've got an attitude, i'm pressuring him into doing, I know what happens when he is pressured into doing something, I should stop taking it out on him - the fact that someone he doesn't talk to called him that late.

I'm not taking it out on him because of that, it's because he'd rather sit there and be stubborn and refuse to do what i'm asking him to do as his partner, than just go upstairs, get his phone, and text her. Why is that so hard to do? If it is to do with stubborness, does he honestly think that i'm going to think "I won" because he texts her?

It's only pressure if he doesn't want to do it and he doesn't. I would give an ultimatum and mean it, I think he's either seeing her or leaving his options open, either way it's no good for you. Realtionships are hard enough without the suspicion of another person involved.

Oh I relly feel for you. had a similar sort of situation not so long ago. I kept going against my instict and told myself I was being paranoid. Turns out my instinct was right and dh (not so much of the D!!) left me and the dc's on Mothers day. he is now living with the woman I felt paranoid about. So trust your gut instinct and give him an ultimatum. You cannot base your relationship on lies and no trust. you certainly cannot risk moving abroad with somone who is lying to you. You don't want to end up abroad, on your own with no support network if/when your relationship breaks down. I ahve relied heavily on my family and friends and I'm afraid to say it sounds like you will need that support. You take care and TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

I just don't know what to believe.

Is it a power struggle between us? Or deep down is there a reason why he doesn't want to text her?

Even when I asked what he planned on saying, he said "to not call me at 2am", and I asked does that mean she can call at any other time and then things went iffy and he walked out of the room.

I'm just trying to get it all into perspective. I don't want to overeact, but I also don't want to be a fool and undereact.

I just know that if the tables were turned, and a bloke I met when we had split up text me at 2.15am while we were snuggled up in bed, and I either didn't do what i'm asking him to do, or let him text him - all hell would break loose.

I'm taking solace in the fact that he let me call her back even though he didn't have much choice but I just keep replaying how shocked she sounded at a girl answering his phone in my head. And tha coupled with him refusing to text her until he feels ready... it's not good is it.

I think he's probably having an affair with her.

Sometimes the truth is the most obvious explanation and anything else is bull. You've only been back together for a few weeks and he still doesn't want to do anything to please you, just get rid.

It sounds like he is trying to keep his options open until he knows that being back with you is going to work iyswim.
Personally (and i know this is wrong but...) I'd make sure his phone has an accident. No girls numbers, no naked pictures etc. I'd also change the password on his email account to make it unusable, ditto the dating site accounts. Underhand i know.

He's text her.

His text said "This number isn't in my phonebook so I don't know who you are, but I don't appreciate calls at 2am and neither does my girlfrien. Drunk or not, don't do it again"

Then the girl text back saying "i said it was wrong numba dint i so y txt bk?".. complete with the terrific grammar.

Ugh. We have some issues to sort out, that I know.

Thank you for your input ladies, very much appreciated

Me thinks she said it was a wrong number because a WOMAN answered.

What is it with some men? There seems to be threads almost daily about straying/potentially straying partners atm.

I suppose it's just possible that it really was a wrong number and that he was refusing to do anything about it because he is a stubborn cuss. He may or may not be cheating, but whether you want to live with someone who's that awkward when you make a reasonable request is another question - someone who blames you for his own bad behaviour. I mean, what's it going to be in a few years' time: "Darling, could you drive me to hospital, I think the baby is coming." "WTF why did you ask me to drive you? Now I can't, you KNOW how I get when someone orders me about."

If you can be arsed, you should learn some reverse psychology so you always get your own way,shewillbeloved

lol littlewoman - i'd have some work to do, I think he went to a school that taught buggar all but reverse psychology.

Annie - it wasn't the wrong number. Before I deleted it from his phone, I got the number an stored it in my phone, very maturely under 'slag' , and it was the same number. I have no idea why she seems to think she genuinley had the wrong number from her reply to his text. It's obviously saved on her phone under his name.. But anyway. He text her, stated he has a partner, all traces of her number are gone from messages/logs.. so we'll see how things go.