DF wants kids, I'm not sure I do

[TheOpenQuail]

I'm 28 and so is DF. DF wants kids, I'm not sure I do. I was only about 21 when I met DF so kids weren't on my radar at all, but the closer I get to making the decision, the more I'm leaning towards being childfree. I've never liked kids, I love my sleep/alone time/peace and quiet, there are things I want to do in life which don't feel compatible with kids. That said, there are some things that appeal so I'm not 100% set on the decision.

I'm in absolute bits because it feels like our relationship is doomed. I've tried numerous times to have a Serious Conversation with DF about it but he's just very blasé - he's basically said, 'Hey, we're still so young and we don't need to make this decision now, either of us might change our mind in 5 years or so, let's just cross this bridge when we come to it'.

On the one hand DF has a point - I know people who were adamant they didn't want kids in their 20s but changed their mind in their 30s, and now conclude that having kids was the best decision they ever made. On the other hand, I feel like we need to resolve this NOW before we're married.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind, I'm feeling really tearful about it all.

No it really is a conversation for now. Save heartbreak on any side

I feel like it will be heartbreaking whether we make the decision now or in the future!

Then don’t just kick the can down the road and waste each others lives. Rip the plaster off and have an adult honesty chat

Yes you do need to have a proper conversation about it now before you marry. If you both want different things then you aren’t really compatible unfortunately.

It's not fair to give them any hope about it if you've already made your decision and could ruin their chances of ever having children because they are with you.

I could have written your post - I'm in a very similar situation with my DF although we're older than you at 33 (so that 5 years time your partner mentioned has already rolled around for us!).

I feel terribly guilty about it sometimes, as I would have said that I wanted children when we got together 8 years ago. But the older I've got, the more we've travelled and built careers, the more we've built future plans together - the less I see myself having children.

We talk about it regularly and some days I feel more positive than others. It feels almost impossible to walk away, but as previous posters have said, it also feels like the only option to save heartbreak for either of us.

My main issue is that - like you - I'm not 100% sure either way. The only thing worse than the heartbreak of leaving now would be the heartbreak of leaving now and then changing my mind in a couple of years time when DF has already met someone else.

Practical things I'm doing: A fertility screening, because whatever happens we don't want children right away. I appreciate I'm older than you, but I feel strongly that IVF wouldn't be for me, so should there be any issue on my side that would answer the question for me. Also looking for a couple's counsellor, because - again, like you - my DF isn't threatening to walk out or anything, and I feel like we could use someone to help us navigate whatever comes next.

I'm sorry to read you're in this situation too. I find myself thinking about the future multiple times a day, and it can be all consuming at times. Happy to DM if you'd like to chat more, and will watch for other replies with interest! If anyone has a magic tool to look into the future that I could borrow, that would be great...

DF??? I’m really hoping you don’t mean your Darling Father?!

Oh yes of course she does - Public Admission of Incest is very 2025 isn’t it! DUH. 🙄

Could Fiancé just possibly be the answer to this baffling acronym? And could you not have spent approximately 0.25 seconds figuring that out?

I spent my late 20s and all of my 30s dithering. It would have helped if DH had been more definite and I do feel I wasted a lot of time thinking about this and moping a bit.

We've ended up no DC and it's literally fine, as tied up looking after elderly parents and menopause. I do see now why my mum was the way she was when I was a kid.

Have the conversation, say what you think, write it down somewhere, so he can't say you didn't tell him, then leave him to make his decisions.

Don't marry him, he wants a kid, so you want diametrically opposed lifestyles.
I'm in my forties and childfree, it's bliss. With age I no longer justify myself to anyone.

There's plenty of childfree people, enjoy being free of a man and when you want a boyfriend to enhance your life, date childfree (not childless) men.

How rude. Do you feel better now?

It was an idiotic statement and deserved to be called out.

You have to be honest. My friend similar age at the time broke up with her long term partner for the same reason - it was heartbreaking for them both. He went onto marry another lady and had two children. 20 years later my friend (through IVF) is now about to have her first with her partner. Neither of them wanted children for most of their relationship but about 5 years ago changed their minds.

Another friend he stayed with his wife regardless of her wish not to have children. They divorced in their late 40’s she is living life to the full with no children. He is broken and still struggling that if he had been honest he would have liked children.

Dont hold onto him if you feel differently now, you may or may not change your mind and you shouldn’t feel pressured to.

Rude .....