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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What now?

9 replies

Saskia22 · 01/05/2025 08:03

Been with my partner 9 years, have previously been in a dv relationship. When I first met my current partner he was so kind, soft and gentle. Treated me well. I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd and more recently Bpd. We are both nearly 50. My partner rings me all day everyday. I thought it was nice but a little annoying at times.. Everything's changed as of yesterday tea time. He was a bit ratty, idiot on the road, big que at the shop and obviously a bit hot and bothered. He came in went straight in the garden as I'd told him I'd seen a rat. Anyway he moved my planter and rat jumped out. I screamed and with that he forcefully shoved me to go indoors. I shouted don't push me and went indoors. He continued out in the garden. I came in sat down in shock. He then comes in and says to me I didn't push you OK? I could barely look at him all evening and hardly said two words. Anyway he's gone to work this morning and no phonecall, I'm obviously in the dog house. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 01/05/2025 09:47

Someone calling you all day everyday is controlling. He wants to know exactly what you're doing and where you are.

Are you often in 'the doghouse'?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2025 09:57

You have gone from one abuser to yet another one. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Be on your own now and end this relationship for good. His apparent nice behaviour in the beginning was you being love bombed by him; a red flag in itself. Phoning you also all day every day is controlling behaviour and also abusive in nature; he wants to keep tabs on you. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making,

Womens Aid are worth contacting here. Are you currently receiving trauma therapy?. You need this.

Saskia22 · 01/05/2025 15:32

He gets snappy at me and can take the p. I think this is because I have a good education and suspect he feels inferior due to him dropping out of school at 15 and suffers dyslexia. It's only recently he has started ringing me on average 6 times a day. Thought it was concern for me as I lost my dad 6 mths ago

OP posts:
Sashya · 01/05/2025 15:40

OP - having not been in your garden - it's hard to really say much. But - to me it sounds more like a few things combined to a stressful situation with a rat, and you two misunderstood each other. I think he reacted subconsciously - and was in shock (sudden rat) + your screams --- and he acted to protect you by moving you out of harms way, and it came out wrong (to you, or in general).

I doubt that it was an attack on you, and that he for 9 years pretended to be a nice guy.

I don't know about frequent calls or feeling inadequate. if you are unhappy - you can breakup without any justification...

Maitri108 · 01/05/2025 15:50

Saskia22 · 01/05/2025 15:32

He gets snappy at me and can take the p. I think this is because I have a good education and suspect he feels inferior due to him dropping out of school at 15 and suffers dyslexia. It's only recently he has started ringing me on average 6 times a day. Thought it was concern for me as I lost my dad 6 mths ago

I would contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about your relationship. You can contact Refuge until 10pm on webchat.

Belittling comments, constant calls, snappy behaviour, shoving and sulking don't look good. There's probably more so it would be an idea to get some advice.

Saskia22 · 01/05/2025 16:45

Thank you I will contact Refuge and have a chat.

OP posts:
Saskia22 · 02/05/2025 09:05

Thank you for your post. Having spoken to him it seems you are right, he said he panicked and quickly moved me out of harms way. My reaction wasn't good due to all my past trauma which I will be getting help for

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/05/2025 12:01

Saskia22 · 02/05/2025 09:05

Thank you for your post. Having spoken to him it seems you are right, he said he panicked and quickly moved me out of harms way. My reaction wasn't good due to all my past trauma which I will be getting help for

It's good you had a chat. Did he say why he denied pushing you and why he is phoning so many times?

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