How to be more amenable to DH doing favours for me.

[BreathingIn]

Sorry, weird title. Not sure how best to describe it.

Basically I'm weird and I want to be less weird. I have a real aversion to people doing favours for me. But this even extends to DH which I feel terrible about and makes DH feel bad.

If DP does me a favour, I have to repay him, but with interest.
For example, if DH did the dog walk for me tonight, I'd feel like I have to take two of his dog walks to make up for it. If DH did all the whole-house-clean on Saturday because I'm out, I'd feel like I have to do all the next two or three whole-house-cleans. So one as direct repayment but then another one or two as interest.

DH hates it. He says we're a team, we should just be able to do things for each other without 'paying back' and especially without 'interest'. 'Just let me do something nice for you' he says. But I struggle so much with the idea I'm reliant or I owe him.

Weirdly, I'm absolutely fine taking work-related favours (we work in the same sector) like DP will look over documents for me or give advice on work situations. I do the same for him when needed.

We've been together 20 years. I don't think I've always been like this but I've noticed it the last few.

How do I relax and get away from a quid pro quo mindset with DH?

But why are specific things your jobs? Maybe relax rules about which things are your responsibility?

I mean, he’s not doing you a ‘favour’ in walking the dog or cleaning the house — those are both joint responsibilities (unless it’s solely your house and your dog?)

Yes this

That must be really dispiriting for him. Perhaps focus on the fact it’s troubling him and just break the habit consciously. If he walks the dog, let him. And if you must reciprocate, just do one for one very consciously, allowing it to feel uncomfortable - and repeat until it’s more natural.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. We split everything 50:50. Nothing is anyone's job as such.

Its when DP takes a bit of my half as a 'favour' that I get all weird.

Yeah but on one of those dog walks he could slip over and break his leg, and not be able to do any for 6w. And then you'd just do them, you wouldn't keep count and expect him to pay you back.

So if he's happy to take the dog for a walk, let him and do something else productive in that time. Then you can frame it as you both did a chore in that hour and everyone wins 😊

It’s still not a ‘favour’, though, just everyday flexibility among two people dealing with the chores associated with running a household and having a pet. Are you a very rigid thinker or routine-bound person, who gets agitated if your DH does ‘your’ night-time dog walk or something?

How good are you at introspection?
Or journaling, or other ways of looking into your own thought patterns, alone or with a therapist?

Where do the "I must reciprocate/pay back" thoughts come from?

Whose voice are they in? (i.e. does it come from a parent or other past influential figure?) What's underneath them, if you start digging?

What do you believe about male/female or husband/wife roles, when you dig into it?

What do you believe about favours, balance in relationships?

What do you believe about what you have to do to be a "good" person?

What do you believe about giving and receiving, and what kind of person it makes you if you over-give, or if you only receive?

And where (or who) do all the above beliefs come from, and are they perhaps too rigid, and might be something that you have over-generalised or slightly misinterpreted when you were much younger and forming these beliefs?

As a pp said, you will likely have to sit in your discomfort for a while to break the habit - when he does you a favour, just say "Thank you so much, it's very kind of you" and don't reciprocate. And sit with how uncomfortable that makes you.
Journal about it, explore it. And then maybe you'll find where it comes from and it'll be easier to help it dissipate faster and be replaced with some more adaptive beliefs.

Exactly this. I know that's the case but I can't switch my mindset at all.

I like a good routine, yes, but not a problem at all if we switch things up. I don't think I'm too rigid in my thinking.

Thinking out loud (so to speak): I wonder if you unconsciously have an idea that if you ”owe” people they’ll kick that in your face later, so you have to stay on the plus side? A sort of trust issue.

Then - "gently", as they say on here - you're being ridiculous. Just stop doing this.

Have you been disappointed a lot in life by people you should've been able to rely on, or made to feel unworthy of kindness and support?

50:50 on absolutely everything sounds quite exacting and must be exhausting to keep track of.

@Dweetfidilove Splitting 50:50 is just a turn of phrase. I don't mean that we meticulously calculate half of every task. I just meant 50:50 as in when we do cleaning, one of us takes upstairs, one takes downstairs. When we clear up after tea, one of us washes while the other one dries.

Thanks @WrylyAmused These are all great things to be thinking about. I'm not sure how good I am at introspection but I do need to think some of these things through.

How did you family of origin treat you regarding this matter?