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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is texting another woman

19 replies

UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 17:43

So when I first met my bf things were fine. I wasn’t as into him as he was into me but I did like him as a person and my love for him grew from that. I had always known he was awkward and that he didn’t have many friends so when he told me about some girl he chatted with about books it didn’t necessarily make me insecure. However as time has gone on I’ve come to realize that she was the one he wanted and I was his placeholder. From what I have read she’s into him but is not an assertive type like I am so they’ve never interacted in real life. He is also more of a chill laid back guy unlike me. Now I understand we should breakup but how do I explain that my feelings are valid and he can’t just act like nothing is wrong when he’s asking another woman if she prefers heels or tennis shoes?

OP posts:
something2say · 30/04/2025 17:57

I wouldn't bother. Just go. If he asks, tell him, but he clearly doesn't think there is anything g wrong with it so I wouldn't bother trying to explain myself and he won't understand anyway.

SlieveMiskish · 30/04/2025 18:07

Just tell him that!! You can’t be in a relationship with one whilst chatting up another!

ginasevern · 30/04/2025 18:14

Why do you even need to have a conversation about it. He's making a fool of you with the woman he prefers. I wouldn't want to be a placeholder even if his dick was dripping in diamonds.

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 18:35

Why do you feel you have to explain yourself to him OP?
Of course your feelings are valid.

Original poster
UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 18:37

I just feel he always dismisses me and how I feel to get his point across. Like I can’t be homesick because my family is a lot or how I should be wanting sex only when he does. Idk maybe I just want to make him listen before closing the door

OP posts:
Minieggsarecrack · 30/04/2025 18:41

Get rid! It sounds like an awful relationship if he’s trying to control when you ‘should’ want sex, when you are allowed feelings about your family, and openly forming a bond with another woman.

MoreChocPls · 30/04/2025 18:42

Just break up with him without the dramatics and move on.

OchreRaven · 30/04/2025 18:44

Do you live together? How much untangling do you need to do from each other’s lives?

Regardless of this other woman, it doesn’t sound like you feel like you are a good match. He doesn’t understand where you are coming from and doesn’t listen.

Your feelings are valid. I would sit him down and acknowledge that he doesn’t see it as wrong to have an emotional attachment to another woman but you do so you are incompatible and there is no point forcing your views on each other.

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 18:49

UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 18:37

I just feel he always dismisses me and how I feel to get his point across. Like I can’t be homesick because my family is a lot or how I should be wanting sex only when he does. Idk maybe I just want to make him listen before closing the door

Well yes I understand where you are coming from in that you want some acknowledgement from him that he is behaving badly.
I think you need to walk away though and find comfort in the fact that though he will never admit it to your face this socially awkward guy will in reality be left high and dry without you.

Original poster
UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 18:52

It is true I guess the shitty part is I still love that idiot loser. Thank you to everyone who reached out. I’ll probably break up with him after I am back in my own home away from him.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 30/04/2025 19:04

I just want to make him listen before closing the door

While I totally understand, you’re wasting your breath because he won’t listen and it won’t make the slightest bit of difference.

Just end it and find closure within yourself not from a cheating prick.

Dweetfidilove · 30/04/2025 19:13

UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 18:37

I just feel he always dismisses me and how I feel to get his point across. Like I can’t be homesick because my family is a lot or how I should be wanting sex only when he does. Idk maybe I just want to make him listen before closing the door

You insists he listens - he nods, makes the right noises then goes back to texting the woman he actually wants.
What does your assertiveness gain you then?

Do you think he's old enough to be in a relationship, but not smart enough to understand what he's doing?

Let him go, unless you plan on spending your life proving to him that 'you're worth more'.

GeorgianaM · 30/04/2025 19:17

'but is not an assertive type like I am so'

I see nothing in your post or subsequent replies that indicates you are even remotely assertive.

You tell him -

Ned, you're a complete waste of my time, I don't want to see you again.

....

That's it. Then you move on.

Original poster
UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 21:03

We do live together so it’s not as simple but you’re right. I have never let anyone treat me like a second choice and there is no reason to do so now. It’s time for me to cut the cord.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 30/04/2025 22:49

Be brave just tell him it’s over, he won’t ever admit he’s wrong, trust your own feelings about it not him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2025 22:57

UnluckyorParanioa · 30/04/2025 18:37

I just feel he always dismisses me and how I feel to get his point across. Like I can’t be homesick because my family is a lot or how I should be wanting sex only when he does. Idk maybe I just want to make him listen before closing the door

He's awful, dump him for these reasons please let alone the other woman. Sounds a bit narcissistic

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2025 22:58

GeorgianaM · 30/04/2025 19:17

'but is not an assertive type like I am so'

I see nothing in your post or subsequent replies that indicates you are even remotely assertive.

You tell him -

Ned, you're a complete waste of my time, I don't want to see you again.

....

That's it. Then you move on.

This phrase would impact him SO much more than any long paragraphs about how much he's hurt you etc, I agree with this post

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2025 22:59

smallsilvercloud · 30/04/2025 22:49

Be brave just tell him it’s over, he won’t ever admit he’s wrong, trust your own feelings about it not him.

Exactly. Just decide 'this isn't making me happy I don't want to be in this relationship anymore it's not right for me' that's all your opinion and your reality and he doesn't get to have a say on any of that

MsDogLady · 01/05/2025 02:43

I’m sorry, @UnluckyorParanioa, this must be so painful. Please know that your feelings are valid and very reasonable.

It sounds like he and his OW are in EA territory. He knows that his attention, interest and attraction are elsewhere, but he is not going to admit that to you. He is enjoying the validation triangle he has set up with two competing women.

He is clearly a controller who couldn’t care less about your wants, feelings or boundaries, but expects you to comply with his.

Tell him the relationship is no longer working, so it’s over. Don’t discuss it. Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you into staying, even if he pays lip service that he has suddenly seen the light.

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