Advice - complicated friendship/Situationship break up (LONG)

[Hoolah29]

I wonder if anyone could possibly offer me some advice as I am really struggling to make sense of a very recent break up I have had with a long-standing friend/Situationship.

This is someone I have known for around 15 years but I’ve never actually met. We drifted out of each other’s lives sometimes we would stay in touch for months or years and then other times we would be out of touch for months or years but we always somehow managed to get back in touch one way or another. It never really bothered me when we were not in touch because I just figured whatever happened, would happen.

Last year, before Xmas they got back in touch with me after a three year break (which was down to me) and I was genuinely Happy to hear from them

we kind of picked up where we left off as we always had before and had been chatting regularly since. Just to mention Through all the years we have tried continuously to arrange to meet up and for one reason or another, it just never happened. I think we were both at fault in this regard and either I would cancel or they would or we would just never actually do it.

I think both of us experienced disappointment and frustration /anger at this. There would be times where we would argue or block/unblock each other or just ghost each other for awhile, or the conversation would just naturally dwindle until we lost touch.

It’s been very frustrating for both of us at one time or another as there has always been something there more than friendship, but neither of us have ever really took the leap or spoken about it with any honesty.

But we still managed to get through it and stay friends. I have always really cared about this person despite never meeting them. Even the years apart, I would think of them often and genuinely valued their friendship.

I’m quite an anxious person and there have been times when I have struggled with feeling overwhelmed and I guess I always thought the back of my mind this person would disappear as they had before. So a couple of times during this last period of contact I have blocked and unblock the person. I think the reason for this was just to protect myself and it was usually after a disagreement and I thought by blocking them it would diffuse the situation and then I could unblock them & come back when I felt stronger.

This has however left them really annoyed.

Really. I haven’t been able to be honest with them and just explain how I feel because I feel like our relationship isn’t that deep and they wouldn’t understand.

Last week, they basically said that was the end of the line and they did not want to be friends with me anymore. They said friends don’t block friends & to leave it. They also said some other hurtful things said they were going to delete my number and I should block them.

I tried to remind them of all the other times over the last 15 years we have been in the same boat and we’ve always managed to somehow get through it, but they didn’t want to know.

My last message to them was to say that if they really did not consider me a friend after everything then perhaps they should block me. They then proceeded to block me but then two days later unblocked me. We have not spoken since.

I really do not know what to do. I want to respect their wishes if they really do not want to be friends with me and want me to leave them alone, but the same time I don’t know whether that was said as an emotional reaction out of anger or if they truly mean it.

I just find it hard to accept that 15 years of friendship could just be discarded over something so stupid. I really don’t know where to go from here. It is upsetting me greatly. Any advice would be much appreciated

(on reading this back I realise how ridiculous it sounds with the blocking and unblocking. I think that all comes from frustration, distance and not being honest about feelings/misunderstandings)

You don't really know this person
They aren't your friend
Try and work on making friends irl.
You will reap the benefits.
And so will your mental health
..

I think there's a lot of hassle for little gain (for both of you). I think when you start blocking each other it's the end of road and you can drag this on and on... or can you can nicely say thanks, its been good (overall) and wish them well.

I think cutting ties would be good for you.
this isn’t going anywhere and the friendship has deteriorated so don’t hang on to what it could have been, accept it for what it was. Friendships do run their course sometimes and this is that time for yours.
get out there and make the most of your life and move on

Thanks to those have responded. It really has helped me put things in perspective.

I have been so confused, wondering why I am so bothered & upset about it when I was never particularly bothered before when we lost touch or didn’t speak for years

even if we never speak again I am not sure why it would affect me. It is really weird that I am feeling this way and I’m wondering if this has just been a trigger for other past issues that perhaps I haven’t fully dealt with.

This relationship sounds really unhealthy.
The length of time you are a friend with someone should not matter when you are being treated badly. Sometimes old friends are not the best.

You don’t really know this person, you only know what they want you to know. Anyone can present themselves in a certain way over messages every now and then but it takes months or even years of being with someone intensely (in real life) to know how they really work inside and out.

The blocking and going years without talking sounds immature and not the sign of a good healthy friendship.

You’ve wasted a lot of time and head space on an online fictional relationship. I would put it in the past and get yourself out meeting real people.

If you really wanted to meet you would have done years ago.

You are correct. It was unhealthy. I have known that from the beginning, but I think as we were never really connected in a “real” way I kind of just let it become background noise until it became something more which of course it never did.

I guess this time, it has really affected me because I had no control over the way things ended.

Really appreciate everyone’s opinions and it has definitely helped me to figure things out.

Thank you I really appreciate your honesty.

When we were out of touch for years, I was still getting on with my life & he would barely even cross my mind. I don’t know why this time it has affected me.

Perhaps it is because I have other issues which have been triggered I-completely agree with what you are saying. I know it is time to draw a line and move on.

Why did you never meet? You live too far away?

I wouldn't ditch the friendship. Fifteen years is a long and precious time. BUT I would reframe it - why has he not come to get you??? Maybe he is not romantically interested in you - have either of you had other partners?

I used to have what I now feel were 'something and nothing' relationships when I was young. They never really came to anything. Now I do not entertain them at all. They met a half need of mine, and now that is not good enough.

If you want to meet this man and go for a proper full on relationship, do that. If not, stop spending the coin of your time on a person who is not that hot for you. Spend it on something proper - not 'something and nothing.'

I really don’t know why we never got to meet. We live about 1.5 hours drive away from each other. Not a huge amount.

We have always been more friends I guess, but I also know that we have both been holding back or not being honest with each other fear of rejection I guess. Just so many different things have been said or not said which have led me to believe that.

we have both had other relationships in that time. I met him when my son was a baby and now my son is almost 15 years old so yes, it is a long friendship and I am sad to let go.

It seems like it was half and half though - it kept you warm through lean years when you couldn't have anything more, but ultimately it is not what you want now.

DO you want a proper full time live in relationship? A ten out of ten?

I really don’t know. I guess I just wanted to actually see him and see how things went. It seems so ridiculous to say that after 15 years.

With other people, if I didn’t hear back from them after a week I’d probably write them off there & then.

I guess I just feel he has been with me through the ups and downs, even in the quiet times and when we werent In touch, he was still a constant.

It is difficult to imagine that there will never be any further contact between us, even years down the line, because we always manage to reconnect in the past.

also know that we have both been holding back or not being honest with each other fear of rejection

I don't think you can know this. If a man is interested he will make the effort.1.5 hours is nothing. Did you do facetime? Was this sexting?

Penpals have always existed but usually didn't meet because the distances were too large or technology didn't exist.

@Hoolah29 I think a little fantasy on the side of a lovely relationship one day in the future has been at the back of your mind, and it’s normal to be sad the fantasy will never become reality. However in this time you have both upset one another and sounds like the trust has gone so I am doubtful you could get to this stage of a relationship in real life, it would always be distant and it doesn’t sound like if makes either of you that happy

I lost track of the amount of times we arranged to meet up. I can honestly say it was mostly me that cancelled or bottled it, for whatever reason I don’t know. Lack of confidence or just fear I think.

I Used to wonder why he kept on coming back.

There was sexting at times then other times we’d be chatting about holidays, tv shows etc.

I can’t even begin to describe the type of relationship it was. I just know it meant something to me.

Honestly, you don't really know this man. You know a version of him, that he's shown you, but you don't know him as such. To know someone properly you have to have a proper friendship, and that means seeing each other in person and spending time together. Neither of you have done this. The reality is that if you'd both really wanted to have met up, then you would have done so. The old saying 'where there's a will, there's a way' springs to mind. How do you know he's not married and has a family?! Just because he's told you he isn't, doesn't make it true! You need to draw a line under this online friendship, because it's really not healthy. You need to get out into the real world and make friends, it's far more rewarding.

I think you are spot on there. I guess it was just a fantasy for a very very long time.

i think I’ve always known it would never turn into anything more there was a safety in having him come back time and time again.

I think I am just sad that I know that he won’t be coming back again.

Thank you for this.

I suppose I don’t really know him fully but I do know he’s not married etc.

I totally agree with you that’s it’s not healthy and I think ive placed a bit too much importance on it this time around for some reason.

Really do appreciate the honest advice.

Please let it go OP, if you reconnect you will just waste more time on a fantasy relationship where you don't know the real him at all. As you have mentioned that there are unresolved issues from the past which you say may have triggered your feelings of loss over this on off situationship l would suggest some counselling to help you understand what the real issue is. Then look for a healthy, real life relationship so you can put this behind you.

Thank you for this.

I am currently signed off work with anxiety and depression and just started taking antidepressants/going through counselling so yes I am going to end that part of my life to help me move forwards.

I had a friendship/weird relationship of sorts for 15 years too, except we did meet - right at the beginning and right at the end. We'd sometimes go months or even a couple of years without communicating. Maybe it's the same man

What were the disagreements about? That you haven't met suggests he's married, or perhaps not even who he says he is. Did you ever speak on the phone or video call?

It sounds like you're feeling the loss of an idea of him, rather than the reality of him. It's really easy to build somebody up in your mind when you haven't met them. Had I not met and slept with my friend right at the beginning then I might have felt the same way, but instead I always knew he was a little bit of a twat so I took our friendship with a pinch of salt.

I also suspect part of the reason you feel this way is because he ended it so it's triggered something abandonment related from your past. I agree with PP that some therapy could be helpful.

So sorry to hear you are struggling.
I think when you are anxious it’s easier to have a friend like this. Not meeting enables you to picture the person in your mind and project on to them who you would like them to be. It feels safer than meeting in real life and showing up as your true self, too.
If that led to a rejection, it’s upsetting.
These situations where a lot of messaging involved also give you a dopamine hit when your phone pings. It’s like someone saying - you are an okay person.
But a person like this blocks a doorway, if you consider an image for a second. When they don’t move, you are stuck and they stop others getting near you.
The blocking and unblocking I get. It’s not always a sign of a terrible person, often just someone who is really, really struggling.
It is time to let go now.
And when you’ve worked with a counsellor and feel better, it’s also time to meet some friends in real life. Ones you can spend time with in person.

Oh that would be weird if it were the same man!
We’ve spoken on the phone and followed each other on SM so I know he’s not married.
We’ve also spoken about relationships we’ve had/been in over the years.
Tbh I also took this person with a pinch of salt which is why I’m so confused as to why it’s hitting me so hard when it never has before.

My guess is that it's hitting hard because it's a rejection. When you didn't speak before it wasn't, it was just drifting as you put it. When I was younger I remember feeling terribly hurt when someone rejected me despite the fact I didn't even like them very much. I realised the distress wasn't about them, it was about the rejection. If someone asked you to list your five favourite things about this man, how long would it take you?

Realising it wasn't about them helped me to work out which parts of myself I needed to address therapeutically. Maybe this experience could similarly turn out to be helpful for you in the long term, as it's clearly touched a nerve which is worth exploring.

You are totally right. It is definitely the feeling of being rejected and not having a say in how things ended. I think my ego has bruised too as it was him that got back in touch with me only to now say he’s done.

To be honest, he really wasn’t all that & often times over the years I would find him quite irritating.

I think I will be okay in time. There are definitely other issues that I think I need to work through and I’m really glad that I have received such honest advice from everyone here today.