DP always asking for my permission

[Notthecorner]

DP and I are in our 40’s living together and have 7 year relationship. We had our own homes (independent, not living with our parents) before living together.

DP has a controlling DM, his dad is under the thumb and people tiptoe around her as she is easily annoyed by minor things. DP also had a decade long marriage where he was nit picked and nagged at and seems to have baggage from both these things that can cause issues.

I am not a nit picker or a nag and we are a great team. He isn’t lazy, pulls his fair share, is considerate and I make sure I thank him when he has done me a favour or kindness, and I include him in decision making. I don’t tell him he has done something wrong or put something in the wrong place.

We share money well, communicate well and don’t tend to argue. I have a good memory and am well organised (which comes naturally, no resentment) so I do know where most of the things are situated in our house, so he does ask me where something would be but he doesn’t expect me to find it for him. He looks himself. I have no complaints about him as my partner otherwise he is great.

But he constantly asks me if he can use something, do something or go somewhere, if I mind this that or the other, or having to check little things with me can make me feel like I am somehow ‘The Governor’, ‘the ball and chain’ or ‘her indoors’. Or worse… his mum.

He thinks he is being considerate of my needs/feelings but he’s over thinking it - he doesn’t need to ask me if he can eat or drink something from the fridge!! Plus also it’s the way it’s worded - if he wants a shower, just could let me know he is going in the shower, instead he asks ‘is it ok if I go in the shower?’ ‘Do you mind if I have a shower?’

I’ve started just saying why are you asking me? The thing that has annoyed me to write this post was recently was that I saw he called me ‘the boss’ on a group chat saying he had to check something with me! I pointed out I am not your boss, do what you want.

Maybe he WANTS me to boss him about 😂

It makes me feel a bit rubbish like I am secretly controlling and unaware of it, like he is walking on eggshells around me and I’m deluded that I am laid back. I’ve asked him if I am really a scary monster or something and he say no, it’s just him being polite?

Just eating/drinking things out of the fridge without asking or just saying I'm going to eat whatever it is, can also be annoying my DH 'uses things up for me' out of the fridge (doing me a big favour apparently), sometimes bits that were intended to go with a meal!

Asking about the shower, is he just saying can I go first or do you want to use it. Calling you the boss is just a man joke.

Just say of course, why not? every time he asks until he gets the message. But I would say it's part of his charm.

That would drive me nuts.
A quick ‘do you want the loo/anything from the bathroom before I have a shower’ is fine or ‘do you mind if I have that last piece of brie’, but asking permission like a child is very unattractive.
He’s been with you long enough by now you aren’t like his DM or ex. I’d have to tell him to pack it in.

Language is important isn't it. He's likely out of courtesy telling you he's off for a shower but mindful he doesn't want to use all the hot water if you want one later, or plans to eat the ham but won't if you had plans for it. But the "can I" is irritating. Maybe you could give him the right language so he can be more assertive but still be communicative with you?

After 7 years together, I'd say he's got the run of you, so he should be more relaxed around you. Obviously, years of control will be ingrained and difficult to get over . I still hear my DM taking charge, scrutinising me, etc, and I'm nearly 60

My DP has a mother like that, and he went no contact. It was dreadful witnessing how he behaved in her company, just trying to keep the peace. He's glad he did it.

A couple I know who have been together for decades are like this. He talks about 'getting into trouble' and has to ask permission.

He actually likes it for some reason because she doesn't require him to ask permission. He runs everything by her.

He has a close relationship with his mum and I think he's emulating that.

It sounds like your partner is reliving his mother/child relationship. It would drive me mad.

He might be setting things up, so when/if you break up, he can claim you're controlling. He seems to have you convinced about his mother and his ex, so it clearly works

I think this is tricky to gauge. Because on the surface, these are normal polite things to do when you live with someone. Dh will ask me if it’s okay if he gets a shower. What he means is, do you need me for anything and is it okay if I use all the hot water?

He would also ask, are you going to eat the lasagna or is it okay if I have it for lunch? He wouldn’t ask if he could use some milk in his coffee. I bloody wish he’d do more asking if he could use the last of the cheddar that I need for dinner tonight! I think if he thinks I might say no, he probably wouldn’t ask. 😂

The having to ask the boss thing is a bit of a deflection tactic. It takes the pressure off him having to give an answer right away and he can look like it’s not him saying no if he intends to say no. My Dh is very much a people pleaser (because of his childhood). He often struggles to say no, so he’ll push the decision off on me, so I look like the bad guy who said no just because it makes him uncomfortable saying no. It’s not so much because I’m the boss (even though we all know that I am the boss 🤣). It’s because it’s easier when he doesn’t have to be the one to do it. I think this can be normal to a point, but unhealthy beyond that if he truly cannot make decisions for himself.

That said, speaking from experience 😂, hyper independence is also a trauma response. I would not ask Dh is I could take a shower or he needs me for anything or he minds if I have the last of the lasagna or if he minds if I sign up to some evening class. I just push forward and get on with things and don’t ask other people for their input. That approach kept me safe as a child. I don’t know that it’s particularly healthy though or less dysfunctional than Dh. I think it explains a lot about why we are together though.

@mindutopia i think we are the same people living the same lives 😂

Language is important - it IS considerate he checks with me for some things, and I appreciate that but some of it is just so silly and worded in a way that makes me feel like I have all the power in my hands. Sometimes I will resort to light sarcasm and say no way of course you can’t pop to the loo, whatever will you expect next how very dare you 😂

We had 5 cans of drink in the fridge, he asks if he can drink one. It’s not like it was the last one.

@crouchendtigerr I have met both of these people in person many many times so it’s ok, I can make up my own mind. I don’t need DP to convince me. Even I tiptoe around his mum she is completely unbearable at times with zero tolerance and very unreasonable expectations of everyone else. I very much see how this has affected my DP’s life and I have empathy with this. His poor dad is imprisoned with her constantly getting nit picked

His ex wife still nit picks at him now and nothing he ever did/does is good enough. His confidence is not the best in this respect so I think he’s trying his best all the time to people please and not piss me off. His intentions are not from a bad place. It just makes me feel weird as I am not those women, I am me.

If a man has a controlling mother they often go for controlling partners.

When they eventually break that cycle and get into a relationship with someone normal and relaxed they still can't help doing the asking for permission thing. It's all they know. They're so used to being worried about consequences of the smallest actions and setting off a rant or a mood. Usually they relax eventually but old habits die hard.

This feels very true in this case, as if he is always waiting for the shoe to drop and it makes me sad for him! I want him to be relaxed and live his best life and have his own freedom - not tiptoe around everyone waiting for them to snap at him 😞

My wife does this, too. Every time she asks my permission to do something she absolutely doesn't need my permission for, I just point out to her that it's not something I get a say in.

I totally get it, my partner is the same and he's such a lovely, caring man.

I try my best to help him feel empowered to live life without worrying about what anyone else thinks and he says he genuinely didn't realise life and a relationship could be like this until he met me. It's so upsetting think how things must have been for him previously.

You've got a few more years of responding 'thank you for informing me' and 'I'll leave the washing machine until you're done so you don't get a cold shock halfway through your shower' before you actually get informed instead of asked.

Should be getting there around the ten year mark.

My partner 'asks permission' too! His previous partner was controlling - I see a pattern here..

@Specso I am sad for them both now!

I have tried to make it so that DP has input into things I’m not very bothered about and pre empt it so I will say to him, I trust you to decorate this room, you have a great eye, you don’t need to check with me trust your instincts I am sure I will love it. So that he is doing more stuff independently without checking with me all the time!

@IButtleSir do you mind it? I do mind being made out to be ‘the boss’ when I am not. That’s my main issue. He’s aware I am looking for equality

thanks for suggestions they are helpful as I think my annoyed reactions are unhelpful

I want him to be relaxed and live his best life and have his own freedom - not tiptoe around everyone waiting for them to snap at him

He is who he is.

Does it really matter if he asks? If he's great in all the ways you say, you could choose to let this go.

He's probably a bit anxious, and given his history that's understandable.

I have tried to make it so that DP has input into things I’m not very bothered about and pre empt it so I will say to him, I trust you to decorate this room, you have a great eye, you don’t need to check with me trust your instincts I am sure I will love it. I'd hate the burden of choosing a room theme alone!!

I would let it go.You know where it came from and he has previous history of being controlled, first by his mother and then his previous partner. Old habits die hard and he probably still has anxiety around doing the right thing so is over polite and careful to check. Personally l'd much rather have that than the alternative!

I don't really, to be honest- I suppose I find it mildly irritating, but I kind of view breaking her of the habit as a little project!

She has always struggled with decision-making and will do things like ask me what she should order at a restaurant, and I've just always refused to give in. I use stock phrases like, "I'm not making decisions about anything that doesn't affect me," and then she remembers that it's pointless asking me 😂

He likes that kind of thing! He is very handy so he has free rein. I will answer if he asks my opinion but I am the storage person and he is the decorative person 😀