Strange dynamic with family member

[Kuygdhvc]

I can’t work out what to do about an extended family member. We used to see each other a bit, but major life events in both of our lives and also the pandemic seemed to change that. Nothing was ever said, no disagreement, but things kind of naturally drifted.

I now send them birthday cards and Christmas cards and occasionally text them throughout the year. But they never send me cards and also just reply simply and generically to my texts with things like “I’m all good”, but they never ask how I am in return and never text me first or try to call. The obvious thing is they must not want contact, but when I’ve run into them in person they instead accuse me of not keeping in touch with them, blame me for not knowing their current news and show no interest in anything I say and say things like “well you should have told me before”. It feels a bit crazy making because I’m the one who makes some effort throughout the year, when they make zero attempts to contact me.

Anybody got any insights into what is going on in their mind? I don’t know whether to stay doing what I’m doing with the small amount of contact, or just to stop bothering myself. WWYD?

I never send cards to anyone to be honest - its not anything personal against anyone.

But they do seem to have a weird approach - not texting or even responding with any real engagement, but expecting you to know their news by divine inspriation ??

I wouldn't really bother with them TBH

Sounds like they re being a bit passive agressive /hostile to you, blanking (almost) you then acting like that. Could they be jealous or something? Have you inadvertently slighted them?

There is nothing at all they could be jealous of.
I can’t think of anything I could have done to slight them either. It does feel like they are almost holding something against me though. It feels like they are playing a game and haven’t told me the rules.

This is the thing though - they used to send me cards. I wouldn’t think so deeply about the cards if it wasn’t for the no texting me, generic replies and then accusations twisted onto me of not keeping in touch.

when I’ve run into them in person they instead accuse me of not keeping in touch with them, blame me for not knowing their current news and show no interest in anything I say and say things like “well you should have told me before”

That sounds like the narcissistic trait of their accusations being admissions. The "you should have told me before bit" = it's your fault not mine.

Also you not knowing the rules of their game is also an indication of their headfuckery. It's a game you'll never win so there's no point in trying to play.

They've probably taken a slight at you voicing an opinion on the price of a fruit they don't like or maybe they caught you looking at them funny when you actually had something in your eye. They can be very easily offended. This is your punishment.

I could be very wrong with all that but it's my experience with this type of behaviour.

Do you know how they are with other people?

@WorriedOnion They have form for falling out with people (a few set people close to them) and then telling every detail of their side of the story to anybody who will listen, and it’s always the other persons fault. They always seemed nice outside of this behaviour though.
But perhaps it’s just my turn now?
If they just want to cut me off though, I don’t understand why they then make the accusations in public on the odd occasions we run into them, because they always approach us in those situations, they’ve even stopped their car to do it.

Do you want or need to have anything more than a cursory relationship with them? If you're sure you haven't done anything and that you have been in touch, well, shrug and move on. Unless they are really important to you

I care about them and miss them. As I say there wasn’t a falling out, just what seemed a natural drift.

I sometimes wonder if I’m overstepping boundaries by still sending cards etc. They haven’t told me to stop, but at the same time there isn’t any indication it is welcome either. But then they turn around and say I’ve not been in touch, when I have. It’s just confusing really.

I'd just give a breezy 'oh Saturday mornings are good for me if you want to ring and have a chat... I'll look forward to your call'

Sounds like a power game if they have a history of falling out with people. I would stop contact, hard and sad as this may be for you. If they want a relationship, they will contact you.

If I don’t get cards for a bit from someone I stop sending them. Not out of resentment but yeah I wouldn’t like to send cards to someone who has decided to drop me off the their list. Meet people with the same level of interest they have in you. You’ll end up with a LOT of love and relationships .

They have form for falling out with people (a few set people close to them) and then telling every detail of their side of the story to anybody who will listen, and it’s always the other persons fault.

Yes, that sounds familiar. They can do no wrong, the wrong is always done to them (in their heads).

They always seemed nice outside of this behaviour though

That's the sad thing, the person they started off as, the charming/fun/loving/whatever one, is the one that reels us in and keeps us on their side ... until it becomes your turn, for which I send my sympathies. Their nice side usually seems so genuine, that's why when they turn on us it can be so shocking and very hurtful, especially when we are unaware of our 'crime'.

If they just want to cut me off though, I don’t understand why they then make the accusations in public on the odd occasions we run into them, because they always approach us in those situations, they’ve even stopped their car to do it.

They don't want to cut you off, they want to see you feeling confused as to why they've turned on you (which shows that it's intentional behaviour - a great many people would just drop someone who had annoyed them, not this sort, they'll punish you until they find someone else to play with). They can't let anything lie and like the drama and confrontation. As I said, they're probably punishing you for something you didn't even realise you'd done (which nobody else would have noticed but these people take offence at the most bizarre things - it's not you) and they want the world to know how hard done by they are.

I wouldn't try and get the relationship back to where it was, that'll only happen on their terms. Grey rock is your way forward when you do need to interact with them but do what you need to protect yourself

This is something I’m starting to realise. I was always a “treat others as you wish to be treated” kind of person, but I’m starting to realise that’s just a pathway to disappointment. I think “treat others as they treat you” is probably mentally healthier.

@WorriedOnion Thank you for that reply. Seeing it broken down like that has really opened my eyes. I hadn’t really thought of it like that, but that explanation makes it all seem less confusing. They are just playing with me, aren’t they?
How do you think they interpret receiving the cards when they no longer send them to me?

@Kuygdhvc Probably with a mixture of "Ha ha, look at Kuygdhvc still sending me cards, what a sucker but quite right too, I deserve them (and more)" and "What a bloody cheek Kuygdhvc's got, still sending me cards". Whatever you do, it won't be right. They don't want you to get it right, although they'll do their damdest to have you try. That's why you're better to take a step back and don't give them anything - the grey rock.

Before you probably found their behaviour puzzling and confusing but as soon as you 'see' it you can start to protect yourself emotionally.

@WorriedOnion Thank you. Sadly I think you are likely right.

Could it be they are having cognitive issues? You don't mention their age: are they elderly relatives?

Early 70s but you wouldn’t think it. They are very active. It’s not in their family to have cognitive issues, but I suppose it isn’t impossible.

I had a similar thing with my cousins family. On the day we moved he was coming to move some big stuff for us. He offered and we were grateful except on the day he “ forgot”. Caused us all sorts of grief as you can imagine. I wasn’t thrilled but to keep the peace I tried not to show it. Funny thing is they have been off with us ever since. No cards no invitations. Big Halloween gatherings -only family not invited. All v odd.
Soon after I was diagnosed with Cancer. Again not a word from them. When they had a close family member die recently I thought I would do the right thing and drop them a short text just saying thinking of you. Nothing. I’ve given up now.
None so queer as folk.

If you wanted you could suggest a cuppa at a cafe, to catch up on the news. If they refuse you can at least say "well, you haven't had time to tell me" when they next accuse you of not knowing something.