Dating over 40

[jamdoughnuts1985]

I’m living in a community that’s very traditional divorce rates non existent people tend to stick with it. Nearly all married by 25 even by 30 it was hard / v hard to date.

Most my 20s I was travelling / work focused and started dating intentionally at 31.

At 33 I managed to meet someone made a huge mistake & I tried to make it work with someone who was emotionally unavailable / zero interest in commitment. He told me at the v start he wanted family/kids then 4 years in said he’d no interest in marriage/children so I left. Anyway roll on a few years and I am now 40.

I poured myself into my “inward work” and done therapy for 2 years and have even tried a relationship life style coach.

Dating they say is “hard” but I would say it’s “impossible”.

Im actively dating for 2 years now.
Year 1 I tried nights out every Sat night sometimes even Fridays and nothing, usual stuff, usually the issue was too young mostly under 30. Within this 12 months I did lots of hobbies even volunteered, which was exhausting/time consuming/expensive.

Therefore within the last 6 months I’ve made a big effort with online dating , I typically go on 2 dates a week and that’s after a massive filtering process and still it never materialises to anything.

Like most women I’ve worked hard to set up a job / get a house etc etc. I guess my question is should I accept the fact that I’ve tried and dating here doesn’t work and move abroad - honestly it sounds mental but I’m even considering dating in America or closer would be London BUT there would be huge expense with traveling / re locating.

I’ve dipped my toe into it by changing my filter location on hinge to “London” but the guys I’ve contacted aren’t v interested in meeting half way & want me to meet in London itself, which obviously makes sense as that’s where they are based and it’s my issue not theirs that I can’t find anyone locally.

What have I done I should of met someone when I was younger this is such a disaster :-(

I know this is easy to say but after my divorce I just completely made peace with being single. Focused on my work, friends, family and hobbies etc.

I eventually went onto online dating but with very low expectations and I was almost not wanting to actually meet someone for anything serious. I met and am now in a relationship with the most wonderful man I met on there but I think it’s because I didn’t have any pressure to meet someone. It sounds like you’re ’on a mission’ to meet someone and that rarely works out well.

I’d try to just take the pressure off actively trying to get into a relationship.

Easier said than done, but I'd step away from dating, concentrate on being busy and happy and see what happens. Do loads of things alone, you meet people then, in a way you don't when you go with others.

Not the same situation, but after I was widowed in early middle age, I expected to be single forever. After the initial awful period, I was quite proud of the new single life I'd made for myself, full of hobbies and friends and, most importantly, the peace I'd found from learning to do things alone, everything from dinner to travelling.

Then I met a man through a hobby....

In my experience the men on OLD are mostly awful or with massive issues.

They’re generally NOT doing the work, making changes and ensuring they’re fit to be in a relationship, they’re just horny and too lazy to leave the house to meet people.

Or at the other extreme so tied up with their cycling and ultra running that they don’t have time to nurture relationships, they’re just looking for someone to slot into their already busy life.

I met someone online, but it hasn’t been easy, he has some big MH and previous addiction issues, was emotionally unavailable for a long time and has a history a lot of women would have run from! Friends have met narcissists, liars, cheats, and the absolute dregs on their searches and most are now resolutely single in their 50s.

I think in your shoes I’d be asking myself what I want from a partner. If you’re wanting children then looking into donor conception would be a safer bet than banking on a man to commit to having a baby within a couple of years and then sticking around to raise it with you.

I feel for you OP. I’m just going through a painful separation after being dumped because I didn’t fall pregnant in time. I’ll be 40 this year and feel so downbeat about the whole thing, although have promised myself to heal, focus on my life (which is already full of all the dreams I had, and why I worked so hard in my thirties), I’m going to enjoy this year and celebrate turning 40 and then just see what happnes. Easier said than done I know, but I’m here to chat to if needed and absolutely feel you pain. Sending love 💖

How far from London are you? Are there any other population centres nearby? People who drive can be more willing to meet midway rather than those relying on public transport.