Jealous over boyfriends ex

[Anon93249]

I know I'm being silly

Over the weekend somehow my boyfriends past relationships came up. He's had two before me (we're late 20s) and I've become insanely jealous to the point I feel sick.

I've never experienced this before and I know I'm being ridiculous especially because I have an ex fiance and I know there's no way I would go back and I had so much love for him at the time.

I'm not even jealous of the most recent ex who he was with for five years. It was the girl that he described as his highschool sweetheart who he was joined at the hip with for two years and lost his virginity too.

He says he's not had contact with her for 11 years and she's married now so why do I feel so jealous?

He doesn't know how I feel, I said to him everyone has a past etc which is true, so do I and I mean it I just don't know why I can't get her out of my head.

It will pass. Don't be tempted to look her up on social media, if you haven't done so already.

Thank you, I won't do that. I don't know her full name and he doesn't have social media but that is something that I would definitely try not to do anyway.

What is it about her that’s made you ‘insanely jealous’?

That she was his childhood sweetheart, they spend all day every day together.

That's literally it which is why I know I'm being silly. I wasn't in his life then, we can't spend every day together because we work etc but that wouldn't be healthy either.

OP, I really feel for you - I’ve 100% been where you are and it’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? I felt this way about DH’s ex (his sixth form/uni girlfriend) and constantly compared myself to her for at least the first few years of our relationship. Was I as pretty as her? Did we have as much fun together as he had with her? Etc etc. I’d also had a previous long-term relationship, so I was really aware, like you, that everyone has a past.

The thing is, I was comparing myself to an idea of a person or a relationship - I had no way of knowing what she was really like or how things were between them, nor was it any of my business. This insecurity was rooted in my own very low self esteem and a lot of baggage that I carried around with me from way way back about not being good enough.

It’s easy for me to say but please don’t let this feeling eat you up. Is it possible to have a think about whether there’s a root cause of this for you that maybe originated outside this relationship? Whether it maybe triggers some core beliefs for you that you could work on? (Mine were things I’d ‘learned’ in childhood, like ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m unloveable’). Then could you have an open, honest conversation about this with your DP?

Unless he’s openly mentioning her all the time and doing things like comparing you, which would be cruel and unhelpful of him, it might be more of a ‘you’ thing to work through - and I mean that in the kindest way possible, because I’ve been where you are x

@anxiousattachment1 Fantastic response.

OP, you're on the right track when you consider that you wouldn't want to go back to your ex. Why should it be any different for your boyfriend? If his relationship with that girl was so amazing then they would still be together, but they are not. People move on, feelings fade and there is no reason whatsoever why you should be "less" than anyone else. Nobody is perfect, everyone has their good and bad points. The girl probably never gives your boyfriend a second thought, so try as much as you can to focus on what you have now. You can't change the past, but you have control over your present.

@anxiousattachment1 @jubs15 Thank you both for your responses! You're both quite right and I know you are which is why I know it's a me problem.

I had a bad childhood where I felt I wasn't loved by one of my parents and that caused so many issues that I've had to get over so yes I do suffer from low self esteem sometimes, I'm better than I was but it looks like I've still got a way to go.

He's never mentioned her before and we've been together two years. He wasn't sure whether to even mention her but it came up when we were talking about secondary schools. He really is the kindest sweetest guy who I do trust and has never so much said a bad word about me and hasn't compared us so it's definitely something I need to work on. Thank you.

That’s really tough, I’m sorry to hear that. Have you looked into attachment at all? Coincidentally I’m working on this at the moment (hence the username), and it sounds like it could help you too. The Attachment Project has a quiz to help identify your attachment style which might be a useful starting point. It’s interesting to see how it’s shaped by your upbringing and still influences your thoughts, behaviour, relationships etc in adulthood.

I haven't looked into it at all however from what you said I think I definitely should do. I really do appreciate your help thank you so much!