How did your ex transform during divorce? Pls spill the tea.

[FrannyMoreCurry]

I'm getting divorced and expect my ex will change a great deal, as he already has, refused to sign the divorce papers, tried to contest it, didn't get far, as the judge said you cannot force someone to stay in a marriage they don't want to. He is still wanting to reconcile and asks to come over to my house to stay, the answer is always no! But he also wants to be in separate rooms during mediation as apparently he feels 'scared' of me. Oddly he asked for a post nup after the nisi, which he was told is ludicrous! I find it very strange to think how different he has become to the person I thought I knew. And how strange it is — to think you know them, only to be met with a version you’ve never really seen before - like where was it? Which one is the real version of them? What's your experience been? I feel like I need to open my eyes a bit more, and brace myself for whatever is coming!

Emptied all the joint bank accounts, including savings.

planned the separation (affair) so remortgaged months before to reduce equity.

had the affair partner in court.

@Whatsgoingonherethenagain my goodness, how calculated and selfish, and did you ever have any hint that there was more to him than you knew? They are so deceptive.

Wow, my ex showed a lot of these behaviours too. They really are quite predictable aren't they? I think this is when their true colours show. When the chips are down, they mostly fail to be decent human beings.

Meant to say, I don't think it's a transformation. I think it's when they are no longer getting what they want, things aren't going their way and they lose control of you. They don't feel the need to hide who they really are because they are not getting anything in return anymore.

He was a dick before the divorce but he was an even bigger dick during it.

He did most of what’s been mentioned above, they all do the same shite.

Mine tried to turn everyone against me. Mum, dad, brother, sister, best friend. Went behind my back to my go and therapist not sure what he thought he'd gain there, but he was scrabbling around in a panic while losing control of me. Painted me as crazy, all because he couldn't believe i was leaving him. He succeeded with my sister and "best" friend btw.

Good luck OP and stay strong, you'll get through, and the crazier their behaviour the more it reinforces your decision to leave.

Mine decided to represent himself in court and kept dragging me back and dragging out proceedings so it all cost a fortune. He tried to get the papers back after the decree nisi (fortunately my barrister had the cut of his jib by then and told the court officials on no account were they to let him have the papers no matter what the pretext). He closed my bank account that was in my name only and allowed a house we owned jointly to be repossessed so I couldn’t get a mortgage (thankfully, I had family who were able to help out). He wrote letters to all sorts of people including my mother and local associations of which I was a member detailing my shortcomings - fortunately for me, they all just thought he was literally mad. He insisted on having the children in our marital home one day a week so I had to clear out and leave him to it, then he picked a fight so I had to go and rescue them - youngest came running out without even any shoes. (Funnily enough, once we were divorced, he was much less bothered.) There is so much more - police involvement, injunctions, you name it, it happened - but yes, when the chips are down, they really show their true colours.

Not just me then!!!

We got on reasonably well during the 3 month split. But as soon as the house was in my name that 3 months later she became nasty. Despite it being a 50/50 split, and agreed with solicitors she was telling all and sundry how I fleeced her.

What was worse was that she was saying things to my family and as she is classic narcissist they believe her. Basically she hates not controlling things even to the extent that she has not paid a penny for the car, insurance etc I have bought our son despite this being agreed some 18 months ago!

Can't speak for myself, but my late husband's ex persuaded him that they didn't need lawyers to sort out the division of assets. Mistake.

He agreed that a friend of hers could value the house for the buyout. (She was buying out him.)

He later realised that the valuation was only about 55% of the actual value. He was suckered. DH moved out. Her BF moved in (for half the week).

My exh was a bloody nightmare. He had an affair so I told him I wanted a divorce. I asked for 50/50 equity in the house. We were married for 21 years and I earned more than him throughout most of the time except when on maternity leave. My Dad also paid the deposit on our house for us. He tried to argue he should have 80 percent of equity because I earned more and he couldn't afford another house otherwise. We owned a business together and had 50 percent of shares each. I did admin tasks like invoicing, ordering materials, customer care, banking, VAT and payroll plus accounts. He did physical labour. He tried to argue he shouldn't have to buy me out, or sell company as a going concern. He also refused to let me buy him out. He refused to provide pension details even when judge ordered him to provide them. We had 3 dates in court the first 2 he didn't turn up to. Finally the judge told his solicitor if he didn't turn up to next set date he would make judgement in his absence. In the end I ended up with 60 percent of house, we were ordered to get business valued as going concern and we were told by judge we either had to sell the business and split proceeds evenly if we couldn't agree on him buying me out or I buy him out. If we couldn't agree then the business was to be sold within a 6 months time frame. We pension shared and it worked out about even. He had to take out a business loan and to buy me out of our business. I got a nice fat lump sum. I remarried a much nicer man and we set up a property portfolio together. Exh couldn't run business without my input and a few years after divorce he went bankrupt. He didn't file his VAT or accounts on time so very costly. Then he had the nerve to blame me to DC and told them I had somehow planned his downfall. I told DC he had done it all by himself.

She, my brothers ex.

also same as pp, spent a lot of time persuading our family that he was a terrible husband, both before and after the divorce. Set the scene quite nicely, he was spending all their money, asked him to take on more work so she could go PT, then said in the divorce he worked too much.

his kids don’t see him now, after she told them it was him that had the affair and left, didn’t pay CM etc. all was ok until she didn’t need him for childcare any more. All behind his back. Took him years to find out why they didn’t want to see him.

Mine became visibly angry and threatening. Pushing his way past me into the house when he came to collect his things, shouting and threatening to hit me and throw me out.
My solicitor had the measure of him as they had acted for us in house purchase a few years before. He stood no nonsense, charged me a fixed fee as it was a straightforward 50/50 split.
Other side, we found out, was paying per hour and had the audacity to ask us to pay half his bill! It was well into the thousands, because he was being awkward with them and querying everything.
They really do show their true colours once they don't have to keep you on side.