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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's he up to

12 replies

McHot · 29/04/2025 21:26

Backstory in a nutshell:

Husband had some enforced time off last summer and been down in the dumps since then. Currently about to start counselling around a memory of potential SA as a child.

Our relationship has been waining for a few months. Sex life awful and intimacy a struggle (understandable if he's dealing with those childhood things) I don't think he's having an affair, I do think he's legitimately depressed. Lost A LOT of weight but was already slim so not in a glow up way as such but to the point he looks poorly. Not really eating or looking after himself very well for some months now. Of course I am trying to support.

Anyway, the other evening I was in the bath. I got out and came into the lounge and no sign of him. Food was in the oven and front door on the latch. I thought he may have taken the recycling down but no sign of him. After 5 minutes I went downstairs (we live in a 3rd floor apartment) and he was outside on the phone. When I opened the door he looked perturbed and said he was on the phone to his credit card Co as he'd lost his card. He said the call had disconnected in the apartment so he'd gone outside. It was 10.30pm. Never had any issues with reception in the apartment before. I Said given his current mental state it was not unreasonable for me to be concerned at him disappearing out of the apartment without a word...

Today I found said lost card in his spare wallet, with other cards. Maybe he did misplace it but gut feeling is off.

He doesn't socialise with anyone but me and works one day a week outside the home, the rest wfh (as I do too). I do try and encourage a life outside of us but he's always been very self sufficient in his own company.

I do think he's genuinely depressed and doesn't fit the mold of an affair as he looks quite unhealthy at present and by no means sprucing up his appearance and yet...

The phone call was a bit weird wasn't it?

OP posts:
Rattai · 29/04/2025 21:30

Could he have been talking to the Samaritans?

McHot · 29/04/2025 21:31

Rattai · 29/04/2025 21:30

Could he have been talking to the Samaritans?

It's possible I guess.

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/04/2025 21:38

He's obviously not well and not himself so frankly, it could be anything. I'd advice you to take the necessary steps to secure your finances, ensure bills are paid and so on, just in case it's something that's going to threaten your financial security, debts, gambling, drugs for example. After that I think you need to give him space, because its possible he was talking to a helpline and wants to keep that private. Keep an eye on his health, try to gently encourage him to eat.

TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 21:44

I think mental health phone line is a good shout. Do you think he could suicidal? I don’t mean to frighten you but since he’s dealing with a lot in terms of dealing with SA and his mental health suffering, it might be worth being overly cautious for the time being. Be very gentle with him. Maybe contact suicide prevention for advice to be able to spot any signs and how best to support your husband.

spuk.org.uk

McHot · 29/04/2025 21:55

TipsyJoker · 29/04/2025 21:44

I think mental health phone line is a good shout. Do you think he could suicidal? I don’t mean to frighten you but since he’s dealing with a lot in terms of dealing with SA and his mental health suffering, it might be worth being overly cautious for the time being. Be very gentle with him. Maybe contact suicide prevention for advice to be able to spot any signs and how best to support your husband.

spuk.org.uk

Thank you for this. We've spoken about it and he's said he's not feeling suicidal but he does have a very bleak outlook at present ie he's not enjoying anything or looking forward to anything at present.

OP posts:
Beastiesandthebeauty · 29/04/2025 22:32

Mental health team ?
Speaking to family/ friends re the abuse ?
Possible money issues ?

SnackDealer25 · 29/04/2025 22:34

Drugs was my first thought? Could he be using anything to cope?

sorry your both going through a hard time

McHot · 29/04/2025 22:47

SnackDealer25 · 29/04/2025 22:34

Drugs was my first thought? Could he be using anything to cope?

sorry your both going through a hard time

Thank you, you can never say never can you but I'd be absolutely shocked to death if that was the case.

He is 47 and definitely dabbled back in the day on the rave scene etc but not for about 25 years I bet now (that I know of).

Financially he has a good job and no obvious money problems - in fact he is MUCH better with money than I am.

He's become a little bit of a hoarder of late also or should I say collector. My dad was a true hoarder so I have a real understanding of it and what can trigger it. My DH isn't hoarding as much as over collecting items. Watches, aftershaves, trainers. Not in a materialistic way but in what feels increasingly like a compulsive way.

OP posts:
McHot · 29/04/2025 22:51

Beastiesandthebeauty · 29/04/2025 22:32

Mental health team ?
Speaking to family/ friends re the abuse ?
Possible money issues ?

I don't think money issues and as far as I know he's not having much contact with family either over this but if he was I dont think he'd hide that i.e. say he was on the phone to someone else like the credit card company.

It was just so strange to come out of the bath and he be gone without a word at that time of night. And for him to be arsy with me when I came down looking for him.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 30/04/2025 00:48

Honestly, I would think he was having an affair. You seem convinced he's not taking drugs and I really don't think he would be calling the Samaritans like that. I'm not saying he never would call them but I don't think he would call them from outside your flats at 10:30 pm. It sounds more like he took advantage of you being in the bath to make a phone call to another woman.

24Dogcuddler · 30/04/2025 06:18

I’d try to keep an eye on the “collecting things”
If he is depressed and not looking forward to or enjoying anything, searching for and buying items online might be a way to boost how he feels, however briefly.
The call may have been financial if his purchases are getting out of hand. These things can escalate.
Hope you both get the support you need.

ChersHandbag · 30/04/2025 06:40

I’d say affair. Not everyone has an affair in a cheerful way. It might be someone weird he met online, a situation he feels out of control of, something compulsive and sexual.

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