Dating the nicest men I ever met, but I’m not feeling it

[Maja23]

Hi everyone,
I met this amazing man 4 months ago. He’s been absolute gem. Dinners, flowers, when I stay over he sends taxi to pick me up and take me home, was patiently waiting a month for us to have se* as I didn’t feel ready. I was recently moving house and he offered to help me with it all - hired van for me and was there to help with stuff. He listens, he is attentive and I fancy him physically. However, he is spent most of his life depressed and I feel like a lot of our talks becomes trauma dumping (from both sides - I had tough childhood too I normally don’t talk about it much but the way we talk I notice I do that and I don’t like it !). I’m also very bubbly person and trying to have a great life - travel, do fun stuff, not dwell on past , laugh , friends. He on the other hand focuses on therapy and mindfulness and peace and is very quiet and barely gets excited about things . I noticed we don’t laugh much together and when I try to make sarcastic joke he apologises to me instead of laughing so our humour doesn’t match. I’m just not enjoying my time with him as much as I would like in relationship(especially early stages), but I’m also aware that he is absolutely amazing human who would probably forever had my back and I could trust him and how lovely he is Which is so hard to find. I don’t know if I should continue or not 😭 (we are both late 30s)

Sounds like it's no-one's fault, but you're not compatible. Kindest thing to do would to gently, but firmly dump him.

A classic dilemma. You have to choose.
All the flowers and taxis would put me off though.

I get it OP
Be very careful with men who shower you with love, attention and gifts, especially so early on in the relationship. This is Nice Guy syndrome and can be very manipulative. It makes you cross your own boundaries because you feel in debt and feel like you have to return all of his nice and over the top gestures.

I think it would be smart to walk away. And mark my words, you're going to see a very different side of him when you do.

He sounds thoroughly unappealing to me

he “waited patiently for a month” for sex? Oh how good of him 🤔

Is this also the man you started the thread about never paying you compliments?

I think it’s really important to ignore things like dinners and flowers. That’s nothing to do with a relationship, just him trying to impress you. It doesn’t say anything about how you get on and there’s nothing personal to them. Very different if he was to take you to your favourite restaurant or buy your favourite flowers for your birthday obviously.

the taxi thing I find a bit ick though personally. He’s treating you like a deliveroo!

if you don’t really get on together that is what matters- so you need to end this

I could never, ever be with someone I couldn't laugh with - surely that's what makes the tough times bearable?

I’ve been with my husband 28 years and it’s laughter and sarcastic humour that has got us through it….its needed x

That's got to be a 'no' from me.
You sure as hell don't want a life with someone you can't laugh and joke with, whose natural state is depression. The kindness will soon feel like a burden weighing you down. He sounds like he could be a friend - but that's it. You're still young, FFS don't settle for less than you want because he's 'nice'!

I just think you don’t fancy him? Quite simple really!

All those OTT gestures would completely put me off and all I would do is wonder when the real him would come out. It is definitely love bombing and it's manipulation. It also sounds like he is taking himself far too seriously which is off putting. He probably thinks he is emotionally mature and selfless but in reality he is just rather self-obsessed.

I was in a similar situation last year with a very kind man.

In the end, I realised it was a Faustian bargain. I'd have lost far more than I'd have gained by continuing the relationship. What good are flowers when you're unhappy?

It would be kinder to him to let him meet someone who won't feel there is an absence of something. And it's not your fault that he isn't able to give you what you need.