Where do I even begin?

[differentcoloursdifferentshades]

Hi everyone,

Childhood divorce, alcoholic mother, narcissistic father.
To be fair, both parents have exhibited significant narcissistic behaviour, emotional abuse and manipulation over the years.

Whilst I am reticent to blame my parents, I also now realise that how things turned out is not my fault either. It is what it is, and it's how we deal with it and move forward right? I had blamed them - and myself - for many years though.

The relationship with my mother is now fairly stable, and we have got past a lot of history in recent times. There is an element of peace and mutual support there.

The relationship with my father has deteriorated a lot, as I've woken up to the reality of his narcissistic behaviour for the first time. He previously had me spellbound with parental idealisation for him, and he was completely in control of the puppet strings of my world view so that I would seek to emulate him as I grew up, and to naturally side with him at all times. In short, I was manipulated with great skill and used as a weapon since my early years. Whilst I have no actual memories of being physically sexually abused, I have now come to realise that he perpetrated other forms of sexual abuse that I do remember (which leads me to wonder if past trauma has caused me to suppress certain other more sinister events)

Suffice to say, a distance has grown between he and I.

The upshot is that the events of my past have left me with a number of issues. However, there seem to be so many issues that I'm not sure how to come up with solutions to approach them. When I sit down to think about it, I just come to the conclusion that it's too much for one professional to deal with, and will probably become too draining to go through each thing individually with different people.

I previously had quite a lot of counselling sessions just to talk about my parents divorcing and a couple of related issues. Whilst it helped, we began to go around in circles a bit, and it barely scratched the surface to be honest.

I feel like I need some sort of action plan, because it all feels a bit overwhelming every time I come back to it, and it continues to impact my life in different ways. Because I don't have any friends, I regularly find it to be a very lonely journey. Forming and maintaining relationships has been one of the biggest hurdles over the course of my life.

So here goes:

Fibromyalgia (diagnosed with ongoing symptoms that I'm attempting to manage)
Autism (not diagnosed, but scoring 90% plus on many tests I've taken)
Anxiety (previously treated with medication, now managed without)
Social anxiety (no friends at all, struggle to maintain relationships)
Depression (previously treated with medication, now managed without)
Parental idealization (now improving)
Surviving twin (Vanishing Twin Syndrome survivor)
Codependency
PTSD
OCD
ADHD
Hypersexuality
Hysterical bonding on multiple occasions
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Trauma bonding
Paranoia
Avoidance behaviours
Addictive personality
Loneliness

I'm looking for any contributions from any direction really. I realise these are very complex and sometimes interconnected issues, and there isn't a silver bullet here. But I just wonder if there are other people who have had a myriad of issues like these that they have somehow managed to find a way to tackle.

I've been round the houses with this situation for a number of years now, and it's starting to feel like now is crunch time. I've previously tried medication, talking therapies such as counselling and CBT, hypnotherapy, also exploring self-help and alternative medicines such as reiki. I'm very grateful that I've had access to all of these treatments, as I realise that a lot of people are not so fortunate.

All have helped in their own ways - some temporarily and others more permanently. But I've always been left with the feeling that I'm just going through a series of doors, leading to more doors. Whilst opening the doors has been useful, it's also felt draining and quite deflating to know how much work there is still to do in order to conquer the mountain once and for all (or maybe that never happens, and we just have to find peace in that acceptance?)

My marriage is now at risk because of several of these factors, and the narc father is exhibiting damaging narc behaviour towards and around my daughter on the rare occasions he is present (which of course risks perpetuating the cycle)

I know a solution needs to be found to protect my daughter, but also to function as the best husband and father that I can be. Obviously I want it for me also, as I still have a strong desire to heal and grow through all of it. No mud, no lotus, right?

I feel like I've started to emerge from the mud, I'm just not sure of the most productive way forward from here. Thanks for reading, any comments appreciated (even criticisms or harsh truths!)

If your dad is a paedophile, you need to keep him away from your daughter.

My first step would be to see a psychiatrist and to start on medication. I would then find a therapist via BACP. You can put in the search function exactly what you're looking for. I would get trauma based therapy.

Read up on CPTSD, see if it resonates. If so you might find Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving helpful.

I wouldn't do too many therapeutic things at the same time but you can read up on codependency. Codependency No More is good.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is also good.

Thanks so much for the reply. Some very helpful information and I particularly acknowledge what you have said about my daughter. As you suggest, even some non-physical sexual abuse memories are troubling enough. I suppose being currently unaware of anything more sinister is irrelevant. Up until now his visits have been infrequent and he's never been left alone with her.

Child sexual abuse is not just about touching. It's sexually abusive to watch porn with a child or to be sexually explicit in front of a child. Exposing children to sexual behaviour is abusive.

Thank you for this. I feel like I very much needed to read that. It reads as obvious, and something that I understand myself in relation to my children. In fact, it's made me want to protect my daughter even more so than normal. But it's a strange warped relationship I had with my father for many years - particularly with the idealisation dynamic.

I'm wary of recommending too many things but if you need to talk about your experience, you might find The Survivor's Trust helpful. They have a good helpline.

Thank you. I didn't even know that helpline existed. I suppose my GP has always just reverted back to the same old Depression/Anxiety diagnosis, which is only helpful up to a point.

Keep away from your father! He's the root cause of so many of these issues and he's not good for you or your family.

It sounds as though you spend all of your time analysing yourself. What do you do for fun? Do you work? Are you busy? If you were born a 100 years ago, you wouldn't even have time for all this contemplation and endless reflection. Many of us have had hard upbringings, myself included. I choose to leave all that in the past and forge forward, making a good life for myself. Maybe concentrate on the future? What have you planned to look forward to? Decide to give your daughter a better start than you had. There's a reason that the rear view mirror is smaller than the windscreen. Let it go.

NB. What did your Dad specifically do to abuse you? It's strange to me that you allow him access to your daughter. What actually happened?

You're right about over-analysing. I realise this is an issue, and it's connected to some of the conditions I've had to deal with. Because my mental health has suffered so much in the past, I think my mind and body feels defined by it all, and doesn't know how to move past it. It seems to be a loop that's very hard to break.

Just FYI, my maternal grandmother was born around 100 years ago and also had to deal with family trauma. Severe mental health issues overshadowed her life and she used to put her head in the oven, only to be saved at the last minute.

I would very much like to draw a line under events of the past, and not allow them to influence the present or the future. Several of the conditions I've faced have been very limiting and I'm not sure whether it's possible to just wake up one day and never have to think about them again.

Whilst I'd rather not go into specifics of the abuse directed at me, I will say that until recently I was obviously in immense denial. Because of his controlling and manipulative that individual has been, on reflection they actually ruled by fear and I dare not question it. Rather, I buried it and denied it to myself.

The visits by him up until recently, I had still been in the grips of that illusion. I foolishly thought that if I kept a close eye on my daughter and also tried to ignore all of the narcissistic behaviour, it would be okay. I was still in the grips of fear I suppose, and I wasn't yet brave enough to set boundaries and protect myself.

Now there is very much disillusionment with that relationship, and I take on board what you have said.

These issues have derailed relationships and my career, as well as impacting my self-esteem and body image etc. I'm still hopeful for the future though, and I know things can be better. That is a joyful prospect, and I know it can begin right now if I choose.

But I'm not sure how safe it would be to try to move past things without doing the work to heal.

Thank you for your input. I do believe I would be advising someone else the same thing. I think that's it isn't it, sometimes we allow things ourselves that we would be shocked other people tolerate. It's just a case of somehow finding the courage.

@investmentquandry I liked your rear view mirror/ windscreen analogy and I think there's a lot to be said for that.

Brings to mind the well known phrase (and song) "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are"

Really think you need to press hard on your reset button.
You’ve listed all your issues but - don’t be defined by them!
You’re off your meds, which is great- don’t go back if you can help it, it’s always harder to get off and the danger is they’ll mask issues.
Try not to feel the need to address everything: enjoy the good things, do what makes you happy.

Thank you, I certainly feel better since coming off medication. It just seemed to numb everything, and made me feel like a zombie really. It was very odd, almost like it removed all feelings and emotions. Obviously it works for some people, which is great for them.

It's interesting to hear people say do what makes you happy, and focus on the positives etc. Don't be defined by it, and look to the future. It sounds so simple, and perhaps it is just as simple as a change of mindset required.

But I do feel a certain pull to finish the healing work, as I feel it is a cycle of generational trauma on both sides of the family that goes back a long way. Someone has to put the effort in to stop the cycle and heal past trauma.

Maybe like you say, it can be gradual without it having to dominate who I am or how my life is.

I suppose there is a difference between recognising and understanding issues, and allowing yourself to be defined by them. I don't think I've ever really felt there was another option than to carry the weight and all it represents.

Look, you can either spend the next 40 years going over and over everything, or you can draw a line under it and move forward. Plan things to look forward to. Take a trip. Anything that takes your fancy. Overwrite old negative memories with positive new ones. Going over and over the past won't change any of it. Also, if your father is a narcissist, you will NEVER understand why he did the things he did, because they don't make sense to normal people. It would be like asking Jack the Ripper to give a good explanation of why he killed people, and then tying yourself up in knots trying to make it make sense, when it will never make any sense.

I hope you’ve got some fun trips / activities planned with your wife and daughter this weekend. If not, plan something now! Just enjoy those good things…..
I worry that you’ve made a list of 87 issues you have that need addressing, resolving- but I bet that (1) having ice cream on a beach together would make them seem insignificant, and (2) realistically trying to analyse and resolve all of them properly will take half a lifetime and get in the way of the good stuff you’ve actually got going for you.

Wow. Food for thought! Your last points hit hard, and whilst again obvious observations, for some reason they have not been foremost in my mind. The other 'big stuff' dominated. You are right that it's time to get back to all the positive healthy little stuff that will incrementally write new positive healthy big stuff chapters!

All fair comments and makes a lot of sense, thank you. I'm encouraged by the possibility of peace I think could be found in being more pragmatic and moving further and further away from feeling like a victim, and all of its associations.

I would focus on getting proper psychological support and assessment. It strikes me that a few of the things you have mentioned could be symptoms of other things you have mentioned so arriving at a diagnosis will be useful for treatment.

I think important also to say that the kinds of things you are describing will require longer term analysis and treatment. So with that in mind it absolutely makes sense to make a space for that in your life, while making the best of the good things in your life and positive experiences, connections and positive, healthy relationships.

And yes stay away from your dad!

Thank you, appreciate the balanced post. I think there can and should be space for dealing with things, as you say. But I think the key is going to be moving away from letting it sit dominantly, as it has done up until now. Certainly not letting it drag me back to square one all the time. It needs me to take my power back and to show it who is running the show here.

Consistently positive, joyful fulfilment in life needs to be moved to the top of the priorities list - permanently. I absolutely resolve to put those wheels in motion for the benefit of myself and everyone around me. In choosing to do that, everything else will naturally follow and take care of itself.

Op, do you have any hobbies?

And Could you perhaps think about letting a professional go through the list of conditions you’ve mentioned above in order to weed out which of them do and don’t apply to you? Just let someone do their job without you thinking it would be too much for them.

@Bittenonce absolutely right about the reset button. We’re only here once so get rid of toxic people @differentcoloursdifferentshades .
I haven’t had a relationship with my parents for 7 years and feel liberated by it. I miss having parents but don’t miss them. Some of us don’t have the luxury of parents in our life but don’t let it define you.

You're probably right in that professionals see people all the time who have a combination of things to tackle.

I do have some hobbies, though none of them involve mixing with other people. I do struggle to prioritise and to organise my time well, so I am often aimlessly scrolling on the internet a lot, rather than putting that time into enjoyable and rewarding things.

It's definitely something I will be mindful of. If I can get more/better sleep and use my phone much less for inconsequential random stuff, I think I would feel a huge benefit!

Thank you for the empowering and encouraging words, and for sharing your experience. I commend you for being so brave and putting your wellbeing first. It's great to hear things have improved for you.

@differentcoloursdifferentshades I also made a pact with my hubby that we say yes to all the great stuff like invites to friends, gigs, anything that is in the now and gives me joy. I have some amazing friends too. They are more like family than anything. I hope you find some peace and find ways of putting you first.

I say this with kindness - the amount of inward looking that you’ve done to label yourself with all those ‘issues’ is significant. You mention doing several online tests for autism and I get the impression you’ve kind of embraced all these labels. The amount of energy this must have taken is vast, and it would be so much more productive to put it into developing healthy coping strategies, positive relationships, and a sense of responsibility for how you show up in the world. I say this as a neurodiverse child of an abusive home: what happened to us is not our fault but how we go forward in our lives and undo those maladaptive behaviours is absolutely our responsibility. I hope you’re able to take some of the great advice on this thread and focus more on where you go from here