How often your DH goes out with guys

[Soulsolely]

Hello, there, how often is enough? DH plays volleyball twice a week - comes home at about 8/8:30 pm. The rest of the week he comes home from work at about 7/:30 pm (works from Mon to Fri). Sometimes he has work dinners/events he has to attend. Some months of the year he has volleyball events twice a month (4/5 hours on Sat). He would like to go out with friend(s) about twice a month - "for a beer" till 2 am. From my point of view its a lot since he does not spend enough time with us and I barely see him. Most weekends he spends with us and tries to do something around the house or play with our son or just plays games on his cell. I dont know whether its important, all the housework is on my shoulders. I would prefer if he went out less often.
What do you all think? Thank you for your time.

First. Take your name off your post. Second, do you work?

Housework needs to be split 50-50, there’s no excuse for it not to be. I don’t think it’s too much, it’s good he has hobbies/activities and friends, but you must also have the same opportunity. I think the time you have together should be more quality time though, not him playing games on his cell.

I would not mind if he was bringing home a six figure salary. But only then.

I think you need to split the work committment from the leisure ones.

In terms of leisure it sounds like
-he plays volleyball for an hour 2 evenings a week
-he plays volleyball on some Saturdays (a third of Saturdays maybe?) for 4-5 hours
-he goes out in on a Saturday night twice a month

Written like that it doesn't seem like a huge amount. Do you get leisure time as well? he should also be doing his share of the housework. And when he is there, it should prioritise family time/time with you.

How often do you meet up with your friends, play sport etc?

@TipsyJoker sorry, i dont know how to edit post. I just logged in now. Yes, I also work, but finish at 4:30 since i gotta pick our sun from school.
@User2025meow thanx for your reply
@DancingHippos he earns nice money but its faar from 6 digits :)
@RedSkyDelights since he comes home late there's no much tome left for my leisure time - gym etc. The thing is when he plays sport he can finish that day early at work :)
@S0j0urn4r I go out for a coffee/for a lunch with friends but its once a month. Go out for a drink in the evening is not for me :)

We used to aim to do each week
1 night of sport each (ideally after dinner/kids bed or back in time to watch something)
1 weekend morning of sport each
1 night out each or a night together if we could afford a babysitter or do a swap with someone (after dinner/kids in bed)
Still left 3 nights together
And a day together.

Now the kids are old I go out twice a week and do sport three times a week as does be! And we go out once a week together or more.

It’s should be equal so he gets a couple nights to himself a week, you should get similar. He sees friends couple times a month, you get similar time to your self.

My dh loves the gym he goes 2/3 mornings b4 work which doesn’t affect me as he leaves at 7am anyway . He also sometimes goes on a Saturday afternoon if we don’t have plans. He goes out with mates every couple months.

i work part time so I go to the gym in the day I also meet friends for coffee. I go out with friends every couple months.

You don't have to go drinking. Gym/cinema/swim/ friends or family for dinner.
Just don't be the little woman stuck at home.

Your husband has checked out. You cook, clean, launder and take care of his children and when he's with his family he plays on his phone.

I would feel taken advantage of because he chose to have children but sees them as your responsibility. He lives in a house and does nothing. Now he wants to go on the piss, spending a fortune on booze with his friends.

You need to take back control and have a conversation about his attitude to his family. You should have equal time to yourself and he needs to pull his finger out and start engaging with his children.

I know I should find some quality time for my own, but there's not much time left I have alone (I mean that I dont have to take son with me). The other thing is tha I am introvert. And most of the time I am not in the mood to go out in the evening and come home at late night and be in the place with bunch of people. All of my friends would like to go clubbing. I prefer to go for a walk, go for a run and spend time quietly in the wood :)
I just wanted to ask you whether I am the one who asks for irrational stuff. For me its sad that he doesnt want to spend more time with his family. He rather goes out with friends... His POV is that since he earns more money, and I get from work earlier than him, I am the one who should take care about household, kid and so on. Its my responsibility, bc he pays most of the bills...

He’s taking the piss. You work. He should be doing half the household chores, half the childcare. It doesn’t matter if he earns more. It’s his house and his children. So he has to clean and take care of the place he lives and raise and parent his children. He’s a misogynistic prick who thinks this is women’s work. Not in this day it isn’t. Women are also working and bringing home money. I would tell him that he pulls his weight or fucks off. You’re not his bang maid and free childcare provider. If you split up, he’ll have to to clean his own house, cook, do the shopping, washing, half the childcare, school runs and pick ups etc. Make this abundantly clear to him. And he will most definitely have less time for himself then. He thinks he can have you at home, doing all the work and raising the children whilst he swans about like a single guy out with his mates. Fuck that.

You don’t want him to go out but you don’t want to go out yourself

The childcare and household duties are absolutely not for the one who earns less. What a disgusting attitude. That works out so favorably for him!!! So if you won the lottery then he would have to do all the housework and childcare? You wouldn’t have to share it with him?

Him earning more has nothing to do with who does household chores, or childcare. He is basically telling you that he pays for you to be his maid. That is a disgusting attitude. The amount of time he spends on hobbies isn't the issue - it doesn't seem a lot without context - but on top of the fact that he does nothing other than work and spend time for himself, then he is massively taking the piss.

Dh might go out once a month or every other month. And by “go out” I mean, go meet the other dads from his dad cycling group at the pub for 2 drinks and be home by 7:30pm. That might be once a quarter. Otherwise, his going out consists of meeting his friend for a walk and a camp and they’ll have a few beers at the pub or at the tents before bed. We all live rurally so camping means they get a night out, but no one has to drive home after. Maybe twice a year he might go see BIL. They just did a 200km bike ride with 3 nights of camping. It’s more a holiday than a night out, but he’s not home.

It works well because it means he gets a nice bit of time to catch up with friends/his brother, but there is no coming home at 2am and waking me up and none of us has to host, which doesn’t really work now that we all have children and not everyone has a guest room.

But yes, I think that sounds like a lot. Dh really isn’t out more than once a month at the absolute most. Whatever you agree works, he needs to be ready to support you in doing stuff too, so being out 2-3 evenings a week as well. I personally don’t “go out” (would rather poke my eye out than go sit at the pub). But I do do things, like go to a show or go take an evening class or I’ll take myself off on a 4 day solo walking holiday.

I do an equitable amount of stuff away from the family that I enjoy. Dh also does at least 50% of everything around the house and with the dc (more because I’m off on long term sickness so I literally can’t do a lot with them). He does about half the cooking, most of the driving to activities, bathtime, all the kitchen tidying and the dishes. He also takes them out for good chunks of the day on the weekend if I need to rest. He’s taking them away camping this weekend without me. He earns about 3x what I do.

So he does no household chores eg cleaning/shopping or even parenting?

You're an introvert and all your friends go clubbing? Surely you need friends you have something in common with.

You could go to the cinema, yoga, swimming, a cafe, hiking, the beach, a night class..there are lots of things an introvert can do while your husband parents his children.

He doesn't get to dump everything on you because he earns more.