Experiences as a teen affect future relationships.

[MaybelleS]

Sorry long post bare with me!

I wanted to get people's thoughts on older men getting involved with teen girls. Has anyone experienced this and how did it affect you?
It's not a post to get pity or anything, I'm genuinely interested in whether anyone else has had the same reaction to this situation?

My parents were divorcing when I was 16, I worked part-time at the same place my dad worked and his friend who was 36 and in a relationship (unbeknown to me to start with) showed an interest in me, it was slow and eventually became pretty full on (a sexual relationship) I had never had any interactions with 'boys' before then, they terrified me, never even kissed anyone. I don't even remember how it all came about. Obviously I was a teen with issues going on at home and I was vulnerable.
A few months after that situation ended I started a new job (still 16) and I somehow got into a relationship with my manager who was 29. Again very full on sexual relationship, he turned out to be a raging alcoholic so it didn't last too long.
At 17 I moved into a shared house as neither of my parents really had time for me (both in new relationships) and I met me ex husband. I was 17, he was 30, I moved into the shared house where he lived at the end of July and by the September I was pregnant.
How I didn't get pregnant prior to that I don't know, I had no clue about contraception or anything (I was very clueless about boys and sex tbh) We stayed together for 15 years. He wasn't a bad husband but I grew up in that marriage, we grew apart and I divorced him. He was always quite insecure and expected me to behave 'just so' no drinking, no smoking, no swearing, no nights out with friends, I had wear very conservative clothing, stay slim etc.

My most recent ex was 7 years older than me and quite controlling and became abusive.

In between my husband and recent ex I had a FWB relationship with a work colleague who is a few years younger than me, we have a child together, it was an oops moment (on the pill at the time) and we stayed friends and co parent, he is honestly one of the sweetest, kindest men I've met. Probably the only nice one I know other than my step dad, my brother and uncles who are all wonderful men.

I feel like my early experience with men really has impacted on the relationships I've had, being with older men who called the shots early on has kind of made me feel comfortable in that dynamic somehow I feel?
The one time in my life where I felt unseen, unsupported, lost and had no one to turn to there were these men who made me feel better because I could escape the situation I was facing at home with not feeling like I belonged or wanted by either of my parents. They 'wanted' me so I felt like I was worth something to someone.

I feel like if I had met a 'boy' my age back then my life would have taken a very different path?

I think your early experiences with men as a teenager sound like you were very vulnerable and your parents were doing an appalling job. How we'll do you feel like they looked after younor prepared you for life? What was their relationship like prior to their divorce and what then caused the divorce. Were either of them aware of this situation with the 36 year old....I can't call it a relationship because it sounds like grooming to me. It's more likely that your parents dysfunctional relationship and lack of parenting shaped your experiences and decisions from a much earlier age. That's not to say that these men didn't further embed unhealthy decision making and lack of self worth in yourself. I doubt meeting a boy your age would've made any difference but different parents would have.

My mother is/was lovely and caring but worked long hours as did my dad. I have a good relationship with my mum. My dad was a narcissistic, controlling man who always had us walking on eggshells. He was the man of the house, he was one of those it's my way or no way types and had a hell of a temper. My mum did everything she could to cover for him. I thought it was normal and was a daddies girl even though at times he scared me but he also loved me at least that's what I felt.

Neither of my parents knew about the 36 year old man, my dad knew about the 29 year old manager because I was living with him at the time and he was just happy that he didn't have to parent me I think because this man was looking after me.

The divorce came about because my dad was having an affair with a lady he and I worked with, it was going on for months and I had no idea, he left my mum for her, put the house on the market so my mum and I were housed by the council, my dad and his new woman moved into the family home whilst it was being sold and I then moved in with them, my mum had met her new partner, moved in with him and transferred the council house to my dad so I had somewhere to live after the house sold, then my dad told me to leave as my stepmum didn't like me.....it was a mess!!

Aw sorry you had to go through this as a young teen and those older men were using your vulnerability to their own advantage 🤢🤢
Your Dad's selfish role modelling meant you recreated it which most kids do.
He was a prick basically.
Your Mum soing lovely and tried to do the best for you by the sounds of it. She sounds vulnerable too TBH.
Cant you get together with the father of your kid and have a happy ever after? X

You poor thing. Only the scum borderline paedophiles find 16 year olds attractive as an adult. It’s disgusting what they did to you

@MaybelleS

The one time in my life where I felt unseen, unsupported, lost and had no one to turn to there were these men who made me feel better because I could escape the situation I was facing at home with not feeling like I belonged or wanted by either of my parents. They 'wanted' me so I felt like I was worth something to someone.

So sorry you felt unwanted. I know the strong impact that an inadequate (to say the least) father can have on a woman. We all want to feel worth something and it can be quietly devastating when we're rejected by a parent/ neglected. Not a fashionable view to say - but it sounds like the worst relationship was your recent ex who was only 7 years older. At least you had the wherewithal to end it - you've matured and learnt through your life experience.

I feel like if I had met a 'boy' my age back then my life would have taken a very different path?

I feel like my early experience with men really has impacted on the relationships I've had, being with older men who called the shots early on has kind of made me feel comfortable in that dynamic somehow I feel?

Try not to play 'sliding doors' as tempting as it is. Not all older men 'call the shots' in that way (I speak from experience). You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and are self aware. Lots of women cede control to a man in a relationship when they're the same age, there's no reason to think a pattern is set in stone. Whilst it's important to examine the patterns we fall into, I think they can be over-stated as well. Perhaps you had a 'fun' relationship with the younger guy as you're new to a fully equal relationship, but it sounds like you're both handling things well, co parenting well etc, don't feel you're bound by your past, you're still young, and as said, sound sensible and self aware.

Counselling. Get into counselling. And don’t have any more relationships until you know more about yourself, why you’ve picked the men you did, how to not need a relationship, how to set and maintain boundaries and how to assert yourself. Also learn about domestic abuse and maybe consider the freedom programme so you can spot red flags in future and not get involved with any more abusive and controlling men.

And condoms. As well as the pill etc. If you’re having sex without them, you’re risking your health.

I don't intend on getting into any other relationship until I've had counselling, I've been referred for it due to the DA but I think the stuff from my teen years is all part of it. I was shocked by my ex tbh as it was a very slow process, it took pretty much 4 years for him to show his true self or for me to see it perhaps!
I'll definitely use protection in the future, I've been sterilised so no risks if pregnancy but the next person I'm with I'll protect myself in everyway possible and take it very slow!
For now I'm putting all my energy into my children and myself.

I just wish these older men who think it's ok to get involved with teen girls realise that they are just kids, they aren't mature even if they look it.