Don’t fancy husband but love him!

[Stressedmamma1002]

I am hoping someone can give me some advice who has been in similar situation!

Been with my husband for nearly 20 years, we have 2 teenage children together and a lovely home, he is the perfect husband and he is a good dad, he works hard and is really supportive however I just don’t feel attracted to him, I do have the desire to have sex just not with him 😩 I feel awful even saying as he a busy hardworking man but he has put weight on and has kind of let his appearance go, he is tired from working hard so often asleep early on the couch so again not very attractive. We used to have a good sex life even after the kids but it’s just vanished!

I used to have a few drinks which would help me relax but I have given up drinking, I have lost weight and he has put weight on and has no desire to shape up says he doesn’t care and I feel we are stuck! I know if I love him I shouldn’t care how he looks but I can’t help how I feel 😪I would never leave him as I know he is a wonderful man who would do anything to make me happy and I do love him I am not attracted to anyone else I just want to be attracted to him again and get our sex life back.

can anyone help ???

I don’t know if you can get it back once it’s gone. I know you said you won’t leave him, but if he knew, do you think he would leave you?

You’re being a tiny bit selfish keeping him because everyone deserves someone who desires them and finds them attractive, including you. You’re lying to him essentially.

This is a life half lived here OP. Let the man go, so you can both find someone better suited.

I would ask, have you been really clear on the issue with him? Have you said that his loss of physical attractiveness is the issue and you now do not want sex at all?

If you have then the ball is in his court. It may be that he needs to adjust his life to sort out is health but that is up to him to do.

I would say don’t periodically give in to have sex if you are not attracted as that stores up resentment down the line and will make things worse. But at least you know what the cause is, and so does he.

Perhaps once the kids leave he will be able to ease off and get in shape perhaps something else will get him to work on himself. But if he knows he can do something.

Im not just giving up on my marriage because I am struggling with attraction! I have always found him attractive and I love him dearly and the only thing we miss in our marriage is sex and I want to work on it and i know the main cause of it is because he is not looking after himself which he needs to do for his health aswell as for my benefit! His dad is diabetic and he needs to be mindful of that it’s how I go about it!

I haven’t been clear no I don’t want to upset him! If he said he didn’t find me attractive then i would be so offended and also really loose confidence so I have been trying to do it from a health perspective but he isn’t interested! I know when I have gained weight in the past he hasn’t cared but I have always made an effort , hair done, nails done new underware etc but men can’t do that ha ha

Can you imagine a man posting this about his wife? It would be a bloodbath!

Does he want sex and you refuse or does he not want sex either? If you are denying him that's a problem, if it's mutual then that's just life. Perhaps you could do some things together to help him get in shape, go for walks or fun runs. Make your meals more healthy and less fattening, just little things.

Try couples counseling?
can you both start doing activities together eg nice long walks to get the weight off?

Probably, but that also wouldn’t be right. She feels what she feels and is probably better to do something now than muddle through for years and things get worse.

Sorry but id be frank, 'honey, I love you but you need to get back in shape. I make all this effort to look good...hair, nails, makeup. Because I care about the marriage. What makes you think it's ok for me to make the effort and not you? I expect you to care about your health at least. If not for yourself, for the family. Please make the changes'.

I think that is an issue. I can see why you don’t want to crush him, but dancing around it too much will be destructive. If you have stopped all sex then perhaps there may be a chance to bring the issue up in that context. Perhaps if you start suggesting healthier eating and more couples/family active activities that would make the issue seem more achievable for him?

If he doesn’t know he can’t act on it, if you “go along” you will damage your view of him and build up problems for the future. Sex can be quite the motivator for men, at least you are saying “here is an issue we can fix” rather then when spouses just loose all interest in sex and the partner has nothing they can do.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it, and it does sometimes feel as if they just can’t be bothered to make an effort for you anymore. 😕

My DH’s doctor has told him that he needs to lose two stone, but he just doesn’t. He doesn’t have any medical conditions that could cause weight gain, he simply consumes too many calories! I do still find him attractive and want to have sex, but less so than when he was a healthy weight.

The most frustrating aspect is that I have an underactive thyroid, a condition that can cause weight gain, so I work hard to maintain a healthy weight. He doesn’t have that issue, he just loves scoffing chips, pretzels, etc.! He exercises regularly, but it’s not burning up those extra calories.

I do suggest that he cuts down but of course they have to decide to do it for themselves. I’m hoping that his doctor gives him a push next time he’s in for a physical.

I agree I would be upset if he felt this way and it would knock my confidence but what can I do I can’t help how I feel, it probably doesn’t help that we don’t really do anything just us as we are so busy with the kids, we have a horse and my daughter competes most weekends and my son plays rugby and he out with him lots it’s a crazy life we lead so I don’t judge him for putting weight on I’m not super slim either it’s just he says he past caring about it and enjoys his food🙈

I cook healthy meals as I am focused on health but he will want chips with it or eat what I leave and likes a beer etc, I bought nice food Friday evening for him and the kids why i was out and he still ordered a take away!

I know you’re right!! I just feel cruel and don’t want to hurt him I have droppped hints saying hey you got little love handles jokingly and he like I know and laughs back 🙈

Your right, I have just messaged him saying we need make more of an effort to go out, get dressed up etc, I think things have gotten worse since I have stopped drinking as we don’t go out the same and I was always more relaxed when I had a drink! I have also not been overly well been really anemic and my gran died so think he hasn’t even tried to have sex as he being respectful but a few years ago I would be upset he isn’t touching me where as now I want to be touched as I am in the mood but just a bit meh over it as I just feel no spark which is because of the attraction, lack of effort etc

@Stressedmamma1002 you need to talk to him and not just send a message. Have a think about how to communicate your feelings without upsetting your DH. Write a list just for yourself or a mind map. Be forthcoming and maybe book a baby sitter and go out for the night and stay at a hotel, change the vibe.

Thank you you are right!! I’m currently looking at hotels x

@Stressedmamma1002 maybe a spa hotel, spend day relaxing, nice meal and hopefully a nice shag later 😅

Ha ha I’m on it! Told him to go and buy himself some new clothes aswell so he feels better about himself

I do sympathise. I lost all sexual
attraction to my ex for the last few years and this was largely because of their very significant weight gain. Other stuff as well but they completely and utterly let themselves go with weight and clothes and hair and the whole lot, appearance-wise. I tried to focus on the health side but it didn't help at all.

I really struggled with this as in my head it was completely wrong to focus on weight and looks and I felt really guilty but I felt how I felt.

On the other hand there were other issues such as heavy drinking so it's hard to separate it all out, maybe I would not have lost attraction re the weight issue if everything else was still ok.

I think because he works hard he is tired all the time so I can’t be mad at that but then it’s just not attractive when he is not bothered about his appearance the same and then snoring at the side of me. It makes me mad and lonely! We did go for a walk the other night and I did say let’s focus on our holidays and loose some weight I said I want to get half a stone off so I feel confident and he is like you look fab you don’t need to loose weight 🙈 so felt worse for feeling how I feel! He is just greedy with food and too busy to exercise

Ha ha I am on it im going go try and book something !

@Stressedmamma1002 I don’t quite think a holiday is going to make you fancy your husband again.
There are deeper issues here and I am not sure how you will be able to discuss them. Your husband seems unbothered by his weight gain where as you on the other hand are very bothered.