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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting over it

7 replies

justamamax3 · 28/04/2025 08:30

looking for advice on how to get over a recent issue with husband , he has approached someone via messages , none are actually inappropriate but he broke down and told me everything , he said he fancied this other lady . Nothing happened , she ignored the messages .
to be clear - he broke down and told me - I was so shocked , I didn’t even have a clue that he had done this.
im aware it sounds trivial in comparison to what many relationships go through and I did appreciate his honesty in the end , we have been together 18 years he swears he’s never looked to pursue anyone before and he claims he didn’t actually want anything to happen , more that he was convinced she fancied him.
we have talked and talked and he says he’s committed to us and I’m keen to move on and keep our relationship going . It shook me to the core as I didn’t see this coming at all , everything between us seemed great to me . My question is - have any of you been through similar ? I feel my self questioning his every move at the moment, questioning what he’s thinking ,
I’m anxious and I feel like I think about what COULD have happened all the time ? It’s driving me insane - how do I help myself to move on ?

OP posts:
Lostinmyself · 28/04/2025 08:34

I would be asking myself, if she did reply how would he have reacted? He made the first move, he wanted more. Hes only feeling shit as she ignored him and coming to u for an ego stroke and for u to make him feel better. What a horrible little man. Hope u are ok ❤️

Thatfirstcoffee · 28/04/2025 08:38

He sounds a bit creepy tbh

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 28/04/2025 09:01

I’m not sure I understand what he was hoping to get out of telling you. He’s made you anxious, mistrusting and completely questioning your reality over supposedly nothing, just a crush…. If he feels so guilty, why doesn’t he just eat that and let it make him a better husband? How did telling you benefit you exactly? Are you supposed to trust him more for some reason now you know that he’s actually capable of deception?
Very odd behaviour I must say and I would also be suspicious about his motivations. Was it really as innocent as he says? Was it really the first time? Is he saying this all now thinking it will make you jealous? Does he hope to trauma bond you to him or something? Or does he stupidly think this means you will trust him more in future and let your guard down for his planned future indiscretions?
It’s very selfish and bizarre behaviour. It was slimy, disgusting, treacherous behaviour that easily could have turned to adultery/an affair, but it wasn’t something he couldn’t have clawed his way back from without destroying you in the process.

NamechangeJunebaby · 28/04/2025 13:17

It’s almost like he wants you to feel jealous and unnerved: very selfish of him IMO. He sounds unpleasant and a bit creepy. What was he intending to happen? What a witless idiot he is.

OchreRaven · 28/04/2025 13:22

Agree with pp very strange behaviour. No wonder you are questioning what he is really thinking.

He claims he didn’t intend anything to happen, and nothing did happen but he feels guilty for having a crush and wants to put it all out there for you to absorb his guilt? Wonderful.

I would ask him to get therapy so he can get to the bottom of his feelings without dragging you down too. Then once he has had IC for you both to get couples counselling so you can truly put it behind you without lingering worries.

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2025 16:05

Forgive me for being a cynic... He contacted some woman online for (?) and because she didn't pay him mind, he now expects you to soothe his bruised ego?

Why didn't he tell you he was missing connection before he tried to solicit external stimulation?

Shoxfordian · 28/04/2025 16:26

Why do you want to stay with him? He cheated by sending that message.

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