Future…to move or not?

[renovationchic]

My husband and I have lived in our home for 10 years, we still have a significant mortgage. +15 yrs to pay. The house is old needs ALOT of work. We don’t have children and unlikely to ( early menopause)

My husband wants to move 3 miles away to a new build which we can buy outright and be mortgage free with 1-2 years.

I am emotionally attached to my house all the hard work, renovation and time my father & husband did. I left from here when I got married with all the neighbours ( now my friends around)

I know the logical part of my brain thinkings we should sell & get the new build. But it makes me sad to leave my house after so little time, and all I think of is the time I spent in the house and investment my dad ( who died recently made) it feels like I’m loosing another part of him.

help I am so stuck I feel very sad and hopeless any advise?

Why does your husband want to move now? Could it not be a plan for say 2 years time? Bereavement and moving house are two of the most stressful things in life!

He wants to change career, take sometime off & live without the extra strsss & pressure because we can. In the new build we’d be very well off just with my salary.

but he feels the time is now as our house is looking great and will sell fast.

If you don’t want to move yet just tell him no. He can’t sell it without your consent and you’re bereaved. Tell him to have a little bit of compassion ffs and maybe in a years time you’ll be ready to sell but not right now. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. It gives you time to prepare and to grieve for your father before embarking on the pain in the arse of selling up, viewings, legalities, etc of selling and buying. Tell him the house will still look good in a year and to keep his pants on. I think he’s being insensitive.

Wait, ‘it needs a lot of work ’ or ‘house is looking great’? And ten years is hardly ‘so little time’. I have t lived in a house for that long since, well, never.
I renovated a house with my husband. Then he died suddenly just before we could use it. I moved in with my children for only a couple years, and then rented it out. It was only then that I felt emotionally ready to sell it - having tenants there made it not feel like our house anymore.
Your husband dues have justifiable reasons to move (though does it have to be a new build)? Give yourself time to get used to the idea. Discuss it more. Is his new career viable?

I think you both have valid points.
Personally I would hate to live in a new build .
But equally the opportunity to live virtually mortgage free young is not something to be dismissed easily.
Talk to each other , there are always ways to compromise.

I felt an emotional attachment to my house, until my mortgage went to 2800.

Then I got rid of that problem.

The house needs about another £150k worth of work to be fully renovated to his standard. Right now we’ve done about 70% and it looks good enough to sell. Future buyers might or may not do the work.

Weve talked a lot but he tells me he hates this house and feels trapped. It’s my turn to compromise etc.

The lure of no mortgage is nice, but I’d still need to work while he decides what to do e.g . To buy food, bills, car etc

ps a new build is my idea of hell on earth. I’ve never ever wanted to live in one. Maybe I am being too much of a princess

Sounds like you need to find a compromise.

I wouldn't be that keen for a partner to give up work with no particular plan or timescale. He'd need to have something specific in mind and a clear time line.

I wouldn't be that keen to spend a further £150k on a house you've been renovating for 10 years and continuing works for however long, either.

If you don't like new builds, maybe you could look for something you both like?

OP this is a tricky one. If you did move chances are you would be miserable. Don’t think you are being a princess. Hate new builds too.
Sounds like your current place a ‘home’ with all the emotional connections to go along with it. The new place, mortgage free or not could be just a house.
You’ve lost your Dad. Can completely understand why more upheaval and loss be really hard. Your DH likely not to let it go. He gets all he wants and you get to be breadwinner for a bit. Not sure what you get? Is there a way he could career change and you can get rest of work done where you are? Would he like it more if all the work finished?
Sorry you going through this on top of your loss.

Your husband sounds like a selfish bully who may be trying to get his own way (and an easy life) while you're dealing with a bereavement which has most likely turned up upside down and inside out emotionally. I too, would hate to move to a new build knowing I'd most likely be stuck there forever, in fact I don't think I could face it at all and it'd certainly cause major issues in my marriage if my husband pressured me to do so. The fact that he's pushing you to move and then support him financially is worrying. What do you mean by the house is sufficiently finished and looks well enough to sell but needs 150k to finish to his standard? What's wrong with the standard its at now? Please think long and hard about this, do not be pushed into moving because it'll will impossible to backtrack and you'll be stuck there and miserable.

I’ll add context, I changed job 6 years ago taking a smaller salary but since then my career has sky rocketed. So this is why he now wants the chance to do this too.

i think the compromise is probably what’s needed. He wants a new build to go to to start building community, but in ten years living here he’s hardly spoken to the neighbours.

He wants new build as it will need limited maintenance & work vs our house that will eventually need a new roof at around 50k, new garage, new kitchen etc.

The new build is 1000 sqft smaller than our existing house which to be clear is excessive for 2 people . he said he’d prefer new build as it’s in a safer area but looking at crime rate it’s no different than where we currently live- as least here I know my neighbours can rely on them etc. vs living on a new build while the rest of the site is developed for 2 years…. Meh!

Theres no right or wrong.

We live in a period property and it’s taken 10 years of blood sweat and l tears and a shed load of money to renovate it.

Had we lived in a new build, we could have had a life!

My friend has always lived in big individual property and types, and has recently moved into a new build (9 years old), and although she sees the compromises, the benefits easily match them.

They can just live without the high cost and sacrifice of building works. They can just come home and enjoy it, and a bonus that they can pop out to buy a pint of milk without having to drive.

It sounds like your husband is feeling a bit itchy & projecting it all at the house. Why this sudden need to build community? Has he just stopped work or something? I'm interested why he's feeling trapped.

Does he maybe feel like an interloper or like it's more your house than his?

Yes I think that’s a big part of it. He’s not connected to it. & wants to have a house without worry stress etc. I think we’re driven quite differently I am materialistic & possession driven ( I work a very stressful senior job) and he’s the opposite experience led ( but still in stressful job) it’s just a big change and I’m scared, sad and so many other things maybe mourning the life I thought we’d have when we bought the house.