Why do they change so much at the end

[fairydustforme]

Currently going through quite a painful breakup, and the man he’s become is unrecognisable. I’ve read on here in the past that often people watch their partners become someone they no longer know when things get tough. Is there a similar ‘script’ for how people change at the end of the relationship? Do all men turn cold, dismissive and like they don’t give a toss. It’s so upsetting for me & my child right now.

No matter what happens, I always remain a good person with morals. I’d never cause anyone pain or intentional suffering just because things had got tough.

Im already feeling sad, scared and pretty pants, and don’t need the added stress of being treated so poorly on top 😞

I think it might also be that the rose tint comes off and we SEE them

Sometimes it's because they're desperate to move on (if there's someone else) and see you as an irritating nuisance, a barrier to their happy future. Sometimes it's guilt. They know they've done wrong and should dislike themselves, but that's too much for them to handle so they externalise the dislike onto you. Sometimes it's because they want to protect what they see as theirs and see you as the enemy. Whatever the reason, its the sign of a deeply flawed character and all the proof you ever need that the break up is for the best.

I think its natural to turn cold when your family is breaking up and you dont want that.

Weird thing is that across a number of couples I have known (incl. me) it is often the person instigating the split who is the horrible one. Two friends cheated on their wives in a big way and split, and acted like complete idiots after. My ex wife instigated our split and is the most nasty person I can think of now.

Am guessing it's down to guilt and being horrible to convince them that the other person caused it.

He is instigating to split and not myself. Within the space of just a couple of weeks he’s gone from being a wonderfully rounded and caring person, to cold, cruel, dismissive etc. States it’s down to the fact that I now make him feel bad about himself by trying to discuss the issues rather than just keep my mouth shut and not create tension. He’s replaced all of our good times (which we were amazing or so I thought) with how things currently are. Says he now has PTSD from walking as we had a couple of difficult conversations recently whilst out on a walk, when walking was how it all started for us and was our happy place. How can he forget that just because the last couple of walks have been emotional due to what he’s putting us through.

He was always such an amazing & commited step father to my son, now he’s quite happy to not be there for him. He’s knows how much my child is hurting, but he just says ‘he’ll be fine’ as if he just had to accept the changes and can’t be upset by them.

I’m so sorry OP this is so cruel of him. I’m sorry to be the first to say this but I would bet money on there being someone else and it’s better to prepare yourself for that possibility. His behaviour is straight from ‘the script’ in terms of that kind of scenario. Whatever the reason he is rewriting history because he knows he is in the wrong and do he has to completely reframe things to make himself justified in what he is about to do. This is awful when you’re on the receiving end and start questioning your own sanity.

Are you getting support in real life? Are your finances protected?

As above, he's rewriting history and making you 'bad'. It does sound like there could be someone else.
And if he instigating the split too....I'm sure I've read that men (generally) don't leave a relationship unless there is someone else, whereas women are more likely to end one because it isn't working anymore.
I'd get yourself mentally prepared for more heartbreak but know that it isn't your fault and you couldn't have saved it, and do all you can to protect yours and your son's interests right now.

Some very wise replies here op, nothing to add but when my ex did this, l stayed very neutral around him and didn't show any emotion. Felt like l kept a bit of dignity if nothing else, l knew it was over so no need to try and get him to stay - not that l wanted to!

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like he's leaving for someone else and hadn't got the courage to tell you and face discussion with you. He is reinventing your relationship to portray himself as the victim to justify what he's doing. You can do one of two things in response. You can keep your distance, avoid engaging with him and maybe minimise your own pain, which also gives him what he wants. Or if you have the stomach for it, you can refuse to disappear quietly at his convenience and continue to say and ask whatever you please. You won't get answers but you may have some satisfaction from knowing he couldn't just switch you off when it suited.

I totally sympathise op.

this has happened to me with both my long term partners. Both it turned out had other women.

i did realise that them making it all my fault was actually fitting with their personalities… neither men were good at reflection/ admitting fault .

I especially have this confirmed by the children from exh … they tell me regularly how he treats his second wife… and it’s not very nice … helps me to see clearly and be glad he left.

like you say in your op we would never treat people badly so it’s so hard to understand.

in weaker moments I cry when I remember the good times . I feel sad that they blew it all up. But I remind myself that this is who they are. They stopped being nice to me. So the good times are in the past and were never going to come back.

good luck op. It will get easier x

Sounds, as others have said, that his head has been turned by someone else and it could be guilt but more likely that you're still in his way at present and he resents you.

Whatever you do, don't buy into his bs that you're this and that ... Know that you did nothing wrong and he's a shit. Unless you've cheated or done something dreadful yourself whereby he would be justified, just know that if not and little things have annoyed him, he's had plenty of opportunity to air any grievances and make your relationship work but he's chosen not to and none of it is your fault. He'll be sorry one day and you'll be happy with someone who appreciates you ❤️

It isn't that they change, it that you get to know them better. You get to know who they are in a situation where they no longer love a person. If he is being cruel, then he always was a person with the capacity to be cruel.

One thing I would say is that when I was divorcing, I didn't allow myself to be at all loving to the ex, because it always seemed to give him hope that the relationship could be saved if I did. So although I was not cruel, I was distant and guarded. If this is what he is doing, he is doing you a favour by not giving you false hope. But saying he got PTSD on a walk? Nah, that's a dick move.

He's showing you who he really is. He has no need to put on any pretence anymore because you're no longer of any benefit or use to him. This is who he really is behind the facade.

Says he now has PTSD from walking as we had a couple of difficult conversations recently whilst out on a walk, when walking was how it all started for us and was our happy place

What an absolute bell end. Has he ever watched the news?

That comment would make breaking up with him a whole lot easier. I’d be excited to get away from him.

He's met someone else. Is the child his?

OP my most recent ex did this too, completely cold break up after I was trying to discuss with him some challenges in our relationship. Instead of wanting to do the work, he decided to end it.

He didn't have anyone else (as far as I know) so please don't waste valuable energy on this rabbit hole.

I think it comes down to he has decided on this and being cold helps him to stay firm in his decision. Placing you in the 'villian' role too. Some men (including my ex) just can't end a relationship unless they are the victim/the 'good' guy (he thought this about his ex wife and previous relationships too, not just ours).

This is a painful time for you, but I promise, with time, you will heal. x

PTSD my arse!

I am very sorry this is happening to you and your dc. While I agree that it doesn’t matter whether there is, or is not, another woman —with respect to how you handle things— I think it does affect their behavior. If they have started up with someone else they sometimes feel disloyal to the new woman when they engage with you at all. So walking with you, in his eyes, may feel uncomfortable because it was ince such an important part of your relationship. He may feel unfaithful to her.

At any rate time will tell, and time will heal all wounds. Just be calm, focus strictly on what you need to let him leave the relationship without actively harming you, and let him go. He will do whatever he wants. But you can control how much dignity you lose and therefore how much creeping shame you feel in the future. Of course you have nothing to be ashamed of! But we will feel shame when we reach out or cling to a relationship and are rejected. So limit the number of times you do that. In the long run you will feel better.