To be sad we can improve relationship with SIL

[goingforthat]

My DH’s sister a little older than him, we live about 10/15 mins apart and have children of similar ages. You would think this would be a recipe to spend time together but it’s not unfortunately. Can you help me work out if this is a lost cause or not?

SIL is married total CF. He’s abrupt, likes drinking, never gives out a compliment, brags and for this reason DH can’t really stand him. I dislike him too but I guess it’s a bit easier for me because he’s not married to my big sister.

Anyway SIL is a very sweet and nice person, polite, gentle, does give out a compliment, but the problem is she has always seemed a little jealous of DH. I don’t know if there’s some deep rooted sibling rivalry but she has never let DH in as a friend, she’s always kept him at a length and so I’ve had no hope of getting close to her.
I think she may have at time also shown to be a bit envious of me, knowing I’m married to a kind and decent man which her DH is not! She has come across quite competitive with our daughters as well.

Anyway, because we have found past meet ups with them very difficult and unpleasant (mostly because of BIL), so we are now at a point where we rarely see them except birthday and Xmas. SIL brought this up at Xmas saying it was a shame for the cousins, but DH and I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s because we can’t stand her DH or that she’s never very warm to DH. It’s like we’re the bad guys yet they’re the hostile ones. Yet they want to see us!?

WWYD?

You can’t fix it. Stop worrying about “being the bad ones.”

She doesn’t sound particularly “sweet, kind, gentle and polite” from what you’ve said. 🤨 I’d probably stop bothering.

Should We tell SIL we’d be willing to meet up without BIL?

I think that would cause more problems than it is worth. They will get understandably defensive

Do you have to actually spell your reasons out to her? Can't you just issue invitations for events that you know he can't attend? That way you get to meet up with sil and her children without having to suffer her husband. It maybe that the relationship between dh and sil improves with more regular contact but even if it doesn't, you'll be nurturing the relationships between the cousins.

How would you feel if someone said they were happy to meet up with you but not your DH?

Just let it go. You don't need to be friends with someone just because they are your DH's sibling, it takes more than that to create a friendship.

I'm fond of my DH's siblings and happily chat to them at family occasions but we have never really built a friendship, we all have our own separate lives.

Why can’t each family host play dates for just the children if the cousins like each other but the adults don’t?

Your SIL doesn’t like you and thou think it’s envy. That’s quite telling. Not sure I’d want to spend time with someone who thought like that.

She has an issue with her brother, probably a long standing one, it won’t have anything to do with envy.

My SIL could probably write the same kind of post about me. I avoid spending time with them because my brother as he got older was a complete dick to me. She’ll have no idea about that and probably thinks I’m entirely unreasonable.

Why don’t you start by inviting her children to go somewhere with you and your kids? So the cousins can get to know eachother better?

It’s fine to not get along with family. I don’t get along with a lot of family (and don’t make any effort to see them or keep in touch). Just invite the kids to join you for things and avoid SIL and this jerk.

I think DH can meet up with her without her DH, but not both of you. They are siblings after all, maybe on their own they'd develop a relationship.i don't think you observing and analysing them is helping either.